It's time for Hal to pull out his fancy checkbook - I imagine it decorated with Disney barnyard animals - and start scribbling zeros in a meaningful way.
Today, we should send a message to Boston.
And it should come in the form of Patrick Corbin.
Of course, we all want a Manny or a Bryce. But neither can achieve a perfect fit. If we sign Manny, we've over-stacked with RH infielders. If Bryce, we're cluttered in the OF and maybe at 1B. Each deal would likely inspire a succession of follow-ups, and if we're going to remake the roster, we need to move slowly.
But there is no excuse in this world - other than cheapness - for not signing Patrick Corbin. He wants be a Yankee. He wants New York. Our rotation has two open slots, and Corbin fills one. The fifth could be salved by a Sonny Gray trade, or maybe the comedy team of Cessa & German.
Corbin should be a done deal. We'll worry about JA Happ or Dallas Keuchel later. Same with Didi's replacement.
There is no reason to drag our heels on the best free agent pitcher available this winter.
It's Black Friday, Mr. Steinbrenner. Unstrap your fanny pack. You're a billionaire. Start acting like one.
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I've repeatedly said that I'm cringing throughout this off-season because I'm sure Cashman will fuck it up. Which he will. But I forgot that Hal's Scrooge McDuck impression will fuck it up, too.
I stand corrected.
We already know who Hal is. He probably knows he has to spend some money - pennies from the ashtray for him - so that the real evil-doers, the marketing team, can crow for months about the new acquisition. Unfortunately, he won't spend quite enough and Cashman has no clue of how to build a good team. No imagination, no creativity, no baseball smarts. Cashman may as well have been shat out of Boras's ass in a stat-driven orgasm one night.
The are six letters in C-O-R-B-I-N.
Just saying.
Hal is waiting for the Groupon.
Doug K.
Put yourself in Hal's shoes.
I am no zillionaire. But the other day I went to the bank, to cash in a year's worth of change that I put in various piggy banks. I do this every year, it helps fund whatever we give to charity. This year: $192 in pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters.
I noticed that the bank is promoting Certificates of Deposit, in which you lock your money up for a long time ....in exchange for crap. You can do better with 3-month T-bills.
So I think: Let's say the 100,000 pennies I have were $50 bills. I'd be Hal Steinbrenner. What kind of "investment" decisions face Prince Hal?
Here's what Hal thinks he knows, maybe:
a. Every time he picks up a newspaper, or looks on the Internet, the guy he's got running his team -- Cashmonkey -- is praised to high Heaven. He's a freaking genius of some sort. Even here, on IIH, he's reference as "Cooperstown"....
b. He had OK'd various investments in ballplayers. Some are ridiculous, like what they did last year to get GStanton. Lots of them turn out rotten. That Ellsbury deal? A nightmare.
Results: Not just mediocre, but rotten to the core, some of them. His team gets Eovaldi, Eo doesn't do well, gets injured, is allowed to walk away -- and then delivers on whatever potential the "baseball people" said was there.....but for the Red Menace.
Etc.
c. Hal has no clue about baseball. He knows even less than I do. AND: He knows what he doesn't know. Every time he tries to figure out Sabermetrics, he gets a horrible case of Agita.
d. His reflex is to fire Cashmonkey -- after all, there have been a lot of lean years since 2009. But he's afraid if he gets rid of him, he'll end being The Bad Guy. At least in the media. And he doesn't need that kind of grief.
e. So what's the solution? He listens to Cashmonkey, but with a firm grip on his wallet. When C advocates a huge investment, Hal tells him NO. Forces him to be creative. Urges him to do more Didi and Aaron Hicks kind of deals. Look what he did with Chapman: Traded him away (for some good stuff), then bought him back. Do that!!!
I am not saying this IS what's happening. I certainly do not think it is "good" for those of us who remain Yankees fans.
Yet: Assuming you had 100,000 pennies, as I do, would you listen to Cashmonkey when he told you where to put 65,000 of them into a 52-month CD @ 2%?
Nope.
some boring stuff on the derivation of the name "Paxton," but as a first and last name, on the boundless Internet that keeps on giving. Essentially a "Place of Peace." Take this any way you want to, but one man's peace is another man's hell. Unless it's cosmic, astro-numerological code for "piece of ass," in which case it still doesn't make sense. One man's piece of ass? Nah.
Now, if we go to the Internet Anagram Server, it gets more interesting. "Paxton" returns three things:
Pant Ox
Tan Pox
Ant Pox
None of them is good.
If we enter "jamespaxton," it gets MUCH worse. 745 results. I'll leave you all to examine them more closely at the first 500 results if you copy and paste the link into your browser. I do not have the privileges to make it a live link:
https://new.wordsmith.org/anagram/anagram.cgi?anagram=jamespaxton&t=500&a=n
LET ME LEAVE YOU WITH THIS, THOUGH, and it's only the second in the list of 746. This anagram of the letters from "James Paxton" results in....
"Japan Met Sox"
THINK ABOUT IT AND SHUDDER...
Joe FOB, I think you are seriously on to something.
I would add this about Hal:
You and your siblings have spent your whole lives under the thumb of this overbearing, raging maniac, who you can never please—and who also continually cheats on and humiliates your mother. It's the reason you can never even bring yourself to smile in public.
You especially hate the old man's obsession: the New York Yankees. Why wouldn't you?
But...by the time the old man kicks off, the family business is worth a fortune. It's the only thing that anybody knows you for, the only reason why you're invited to live out your boot fetish in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
So what do you want to do? Well, probably make your own mark on the world. And the way you see to do it, is to widen the business you inherited into an international enterprise.
You think you're going to get major kudos by building this soccer team (and surrounding luxury housing development), and connecting it with Man City. You're also looking to rebuild the YES Network by buying back all these stations, and maybe utilizing them for who-knows-what media empire down the road.
The nuts and bolts of rejuvenating the Yankees? You're not so interested.
As for Cashman, yeah, exactly Joe FOB: Coops has proven that when you DON'T let him spend a fortune, he is much more likely to turn in a bigger profit for you.
Let's also remember that "Cashman" is an anagram for "Ham Cans"
"Hal Steinbrenner" becomes "Nine Rental Herbs" and about 1500 other strong combinations, such as "Lab Rennet Her Sin," which might be a message about eating Junket (remember junket?) that was made in a laboratory and it leading to hell. I KNOW there is an important message in that. "Hal Steinbrenner" also become the rather elegant term "thinner enablers." Again, it's code, people. it's code.
Something I have never run into before, but "Lonn Trost" has ZERO ANAGRAMS. That is a sure sign that he is the Devil. Much more emphatic than any number of "6's" combined.
And, because no day is complete without a mention of the ultimate sack of shit, Randy Levine, I ran his name through Ye Trusty Old Anagram Generator and hit solid gold:
GARDEN VINYL
LARDING ENVY
DARLING ENVY
NAVEL DRYING
DANG VERY NIL
LARD ENVY GIN
Yes, people, the list goes on and on. Such is my day that I cannot stop wasting time - or cracking the code that will help us win next year - searching for answers. Thanks, Alphonso, for putting me on the right track. Why look at stats or analysis or even baseball history when I can delve into the dark arts. We all know that the Red Sox (did somebody say "rod sex?") have sold their souls. All we need to find out is what entity to make the sacrifice to and all will be straightened out.
What??? Are you kidding me, 13bit?
"Lonn Trost" becomes "Tronn Lost," which I am sure will have GREAT significance. We should under NO circumstances sign anyone named "Tronn" or who has even seen the movie, "Tron."
"Lab Rennet Her Sin" must have something to do with Pittsburgh trading us Willie Randolph because they were sure that Rennie Stennett was their second baseman of the future.
I know this makes no sense
But I have this irrational feeling that Boston are going to get Harper just to rub our noses in it to show they are the new Yankees and money or need is no object to them
SYF, if and when that happens, we really do just tip our caps and call them our collective daddies.
I suspect that both Harper and Manny will sign with the Phillies, making them an instant power.
Actually, a move for Boston that would be every bit as much a killer would be to sign Corbin. It would both keep us from getting him, AND improve their already superior rotation even more.
IF THE RUMORS ARE RIGHT, CORBIN IS IN LINE TO GET IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD OF $100 MILLION DOLLARS. (MAYBE MORE)!
NUTS.
I COULD SEE IF THE GUY HAS TOP NOTCH STUFF, BUT FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND, HE HAS A REAL GOOD SLIDER, BUT HIS FASTBALL SPEED HAS BEEN DECLINING...(AROUND 92.5 MPH).
I JUST READ AN ARTICLE THAT WOULD MAKE ALL OF US YANKEE FANS SKIN CRAWL ABOUT HIS DECLINING FASTBALL VELOCITY, AND HOW HE HAS BEEN THROWING AN INORDINATE AMOUNT OF
SLIDERS THIS PAST YEAR WHICH MAY LEAD TO ARM TROUBLE. (ON TOP OF A BIT OF HISTORY WITH THE DISABLED LIST TO BEGIN WITH).
VERY, VERY, RISKY.
I BELIEVE EITHER HAPP OR KEUCHEL WOULD BE MUCH CHEAPER THAN CORBIN. (BOTH ARE BATTLE TESTED IN THE A.L.).
....AND I FEEL WE WOULD GET THE SAME BANG FOR THE BUCK WITH THE CHEAPER ALTERNATIVES.
PERSONALLY I FEEL KEUCHEL WOULD BE THE KIND OF PITCHER THAT WOULD WIN GAMES FOR US.
HAPP ALREADY HAS.
SO, I AM ACTUALLY ADVISING HAL TO SAVE MONEY, AND GET NEARLY THE SAME PRODUCTION.
(THEN PUT ALL THE SAVINGS INTO BRYCE)!
WE MUST GET A GOOD LEFTY HITTER INTO THE HEART OF OUR LINEUP!
I agree with you, ALL CAPS, but it doesn't matter what we think. This is the time of year when Crackhead Cashman puts on his beret and pretends he's an artist - or a mad scientist - don't disturb the genius, he's hard at work doing stuff that we don't understand and that may not make sense to us, but just wait. Hal understands. Hal humors him. As long as the franchise nets him a profit, Hal doesn't care and, besides, he and Brian have been friends for a long time. It's hard to find friends in that rarified stratosphere. It's lonely at the top of the shit heap.
Interesting information, ALL-CAPS.
In the light of it, I guess we should try to bring back Happ, and maybe take a risk on Eovaldi. Probably both will be cheaper than that $100 mill, which should please Hal.
Of course, if we had some really brilliant, daring individual in charge, he would take this moment to pull off a trade for Severino.
Trust me, Sevvy's value will never be higher. Which is as it should be, since his career has already peaked. He has established himself as a guy who can't make adjustments or pitch in the big games, and there might be something much more seriously wrong with him to boot.
Right here, right now, for just this moment, probably enough teams are looking past the warning signs and seeing that gaudy record. This is the time to strike.
I hate to say it, but the same is true for Judge. Not that the big guy has any of Sevvy's maturity problems! But his massive body is not built for this game, and you are only going to see his performance diminish.
But I digress. Of course Cashman doesn't have the guts—or the ability—to pull off an effective trade for either guy. Sign Happ, sign Eovaldi, and let's start counting the days to spring training.
Brilliant move that would be, Hoss.
Trade Judge to the Seattle Seahawks for Russel Wilson. They need a tight end and Wilson will solve our SS/2B problems.
I know, I know. I'd hate to see him go, too. But I just don't see him holding up.
And Severino, especially...
Everyone keeps talking about how amazing a rotation we will have with the likes of Corbin or Paxton as our No. 3 starter. But we could easily end up with most of this staff on the DL. And I don't see any of these guys as aces, as is.
We have no aces now, nor do I see any on the horizon that are realistic pick-ups. Until we have at least two aces and then two strong lug nuts, along with two more "innings eaters," I won't get too excited. Let's just say I'll stay in my emotional LA-Z-BOY for a while until something rouses me.
For someone who liked to always say "pitching is the key to the kingdom," probably something Joe Torre used to mumble at him during one of their mutual-loathing sessions, I have yet to see Cashman walk the walk. You don't even need advanced statistics to analyze Cashman's pitching pickups, as we have done here ad nauseum. They are always guys with mediocre numbers and he always has some crazy-ass hunch that, somehow, they'll do better once they end up with us and Larry Applesauce works his magic on them.
We trade our best prospects or pay for middling losers, then act surprised when they suck in pinstripes.
WHOA!..WHOA!..WAIT A MINUTE!
ARE WE GETTING THAT RESTLESS, FRUSTRATED, AND NUTS THAT WE WANT TO TRADE OUR LATEST GIFT FROM GOD?
JUDGEY???
NO!!....EXTERMINATE ANY IDEA OF TRADING AARON JUDGE!
HE IS ATHLETIC AS HELL (WHICH HELPS ME BELIEVE HE WON'T BE HURT ALL THE TIME).
HE IS GREAT IN RF!..HE WILL WIN A GOLD GLOVE SOON.
HE CAN RUN...HE ISN'T GREG BIRD ON WHEELS..HE CAN MOVE...EVEN STEALING A BASE ISN'T OUT OF HIS REALM.
OUT OF ALL THE HITTERS WE HAVE...HE IS THE ONLY ONE IN THE LINEUP THAT I WANT TO SEE UP AT THE PLATE IN A CLUTCH SITUATION IN THE PLAYOFFS! HE HAS BEEN GREAT AT THE PLATE IN THE PLAYOFFS BOTH YEARS!
EVERYBODY LOVES THIS GUY....IF WE TRADE HIM, WHAT WOULD BE AN EQUIVALENT RETURN?
WE COULD NEVER GET EQUAL VALUE!
JUDGEY STAYS WITH US FOR LIFE LIKE DJ DID....
LOOK AT THAT SMILE! (AND TALENT)!!!
I regret bringing the subject up, ALL-CAPS, mostly because of the point you made about what could we get as an equivalent return.
If we had a clever GM, he could get that return. But that "if" is like saying that if I had wings, I could fly to the top of Yankee Stadium and drop a big, juicy looey on Cashman's head. We don't, so we won't.
And I agree completely about Judge's character and lovability. He has a great attitude and a great smile, plays an excellent all-around game, and always seems to give 100 percent.
BUT...he is highly injury prone, and with his big power swings he falls easily into the Yankees' vortex of getting everybody to play the game wrong.
As the years go by, he will run up record strikeout numbers (unless Stanton surpasses him for those records) with diminishing home-run returns. Pitchers will learn to treat him just as they did Soriano, never feeding him pitches he can hit—at the same time that his idiot manager and GM will keep giving him the musical advice, swing, swing, swing, swing.
Combined with the injuries on that oversized body...I doubt if he'll be an effective player by 30.
But hey, he will be our guy, and I hope to hell I'm wrong about all that.
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