I would secretly invite Manny Machado to Boston, get him drunk, give him a golden shower, remind him how the Yankees scorned him, and offer him the second-base position as heir to Dustin Pedroia. I would put up $30 million for seven years, with opt-out clauses and no dental plan, and I wouldn't let him leave until he signed in blood.
The following day, I would do the same with Bryce Harper - once again, reminding him of how the sniveling, cheapskate Yankees wouldn't bother to piss on him to put out a fire.
Next spring, this would be my batting order.
Betts
Benintendi
Harper
Machado
Martinez
Bogaerts
Devers
Vasquez
Bradley
We would win the next three World Championships, the Boston Redsocks would become the world's premier sports franchise, I would down in history as the greatest man ever, and Hal Steinbrenner would be even richer than he is now. In other words, everyone would be happy.
All it would cost me is money. And you know what? I'd never even miss it. In fact, I'd consider it well spent, because I could treasure Boston's victories for the rest of my life, and have my way with all sorts of actresses and supermodels until I was well into my nineties, my libido fueled by constant victory.
Now and then, I'd visit Hal at his super-secure island fortress in the South Pacific, where he lived safely despite occasional armed drones sent by radical Yankee-fan militants. He would show me all the crossword puzzles he has completed, reveal to me his highest scores on all the video games he plays, and show me his recreation of "Monument Park," with statues of his father gazing sternly at the horizon like the moai of Easter Island. Hal would be very happy, living with his 70 cats and faithful, lobotomized manservant, "Cash."
Can you put a price on that?
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9 comments:
HERE ME OUT ON THIS.....
DIDN'T THE "FATHER" OF SABERMETRICS (BILL JAMES), LATE LAST SEASON COME OUT WITH A REPORT THAT CLAIMED, "NO PLAYER IS ACTUALLY WORTH ANYTHING."....AND "EACH AND EVERY PLAYER CAN BE REPLACED NO MATTER HOW GREAT THEIR NUMBERS ARE, IT DOESN'T MATTER."...
SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT?
IS IT POSSIBLE, THAT COOP IS SO ABSORBED WITH THIS REASONING THAT HE NOW BELIEVES THIS, AND HAS CONVINCED HAL THE SAME?
IT MAY BE THE ONLY HYPOTHESIS THAT MAKES ANY SENSE THIS OFF-SEASON.
....AND IF THIS IS THE CASE, WE MAY NEVER SEE ANOTHER MAJOR FREE AGENT AGAIN.
They personally hate Machado but I could see them adding Harper. Don't give them any ideas.
Doug K.
Hey ALL CAPS......it certainly applies to Giancarlo Stanton.
These are the times that try men's souls.
Actually, that would make a good ad slogan for some kind of strange metaphysical product: "Try Men's Souls! You'll love 'em!"
Yes, my brain has gone around the bend and is currently drinking lunch with John Barrymore.
The Future of Fandom
As fans we cling to an antiquated notion that how well a team does on the field, how many championships we’ve won, is its true measure. This leads to hand wringing over the acquisition of this player or that player, the haranguing and bad mouthing of front office personnel and owners and a general sense of outrage when OUR “team” fails to achieve OUR goals.
Maybe we’ve been going about this all wrong.
We’re clearly focused on the wrong game. I propose that we stop rooting for the players and start rooting for the front office. Stop looking at who is coming up in the minors and focus on who in the upcoming graduating class at Stanford is a Sabermetrics whiz. Do we go for one of those or for a marketing guru out of Wharton? We can’t afford both.
Let’s celebrate that 3,000,000th customer. It is a great achievement!
We shouldn’t be discussing and arguing over who plays Left Field. Who cares? We should be discussing and arguing the relative ROI of a Sabathia bobble head promotion over one for Aaron Judge. That’s the real action.
And speaking of ROI what does it cost to bribe the food inspector to give us an A rating? Gotta be cheaper than fixing the violations. If we truly loved the NY Yankees this should be out focus.
I heard a rumor that Cleveland’s assistant to the assistant of the Assistant GM is looking for a new home. He’s the guy who came up with Vampire Bat Night (Originally Vampire Bat Day but for some reason no vampires showed up.) We should totally get him.
Instead of writing Hal with ideas on the bullpen let’s focus on coming up with new Yankee caps. Pink and Camouflage were big winners last year. I say, sell the Babe Ruth Retro Cap. Hell, dig up the Babe and smear what remains of his DNA on it (for an extra $79.95) Be the Babe!
Last year we were crowned 2018 Luxury Tax Champions! This year the obvious goal is the reacquisition of YES. Any suggestions?
Doug K.
Duque, this is brilliant! And the rest of you are en fuego. Hotter than the Patriots today!
ALPHONSO....
OH HOW IT CERTAINLY DOES APPLY WITH THE CLUTCH GIANCARLO.
Yo, John M!!Ballad of the MTA (yay!)
Oh, he never returned,
No, he never returned,
Coopsie rides forever
'Neath the streets of Boston,
He's da' Man
Who never returned.
Thanx 4 taking me back (that you, Coopsie??)
Hoss,
Didja hafta' rub it in??
that game made me pee-yuke...
Least we got ridda' (NOT!!!) "America's Team"
Da' Cow-Punks have clunked (Yay)
Next week, it's Beli-cheat & his Brady Bunch
Who're going where the sun don't shine...
Trust Me. LB (No J)
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