Mr. Steinbrenner, we need Dallas Keuchel

Dear Hal, 

First, chin up, old bean! I understand how you feel. You've been mistreated, misjudged, and disrespected. It's wrong. It's just sooo wrong! 

You've spent millions of dollars on the 2019 Yankees. I'm talking about real money... bread, jack, chyzga, glorf, kabazoolah! It could have gone towards a brand new suit, or a laptop, or winter tires for the jalopy. You could have bought the wife one of those Roomba 960 vacuum cleaners, or an Insta-Pot. Instead, you knuckled down, thought of needy Yankee fans, and signed J.A. Happ. 

And what did it get you? Trolls. You'd think Yankee fans would be grateful, but no... They just whined about Manny and Bryce, Manny and Bryce, Manny and Bryce, boo-hoo-hoo. You're shuffling credit cards to pay the rent, while they're easing back on their comfortable couches, drinking overpriced micro-brewery lagers, farting into the cushions, and decrying your family name on Facebook. It's not fair!

No sir, it's just not fair! And no matter what you do, they'll never cease their feckless whinnying. They've got one hand on the TV clicker and the other in a bag of Cheetos, with orange dust crusting their lips... And. They. Will. Never. Be. Happy. Buy them a Manny, they'll say, "Where is our Bryce?" They'll always complain. Even now, some claim you're lying low, planning to buy both Manny and Bryce, even though you'd be stealing the fishcakes right off your children's dinner plates. They won't be satisfied. And then there is that Ocasio lady, who wants to steal 70 percent of your weekly pay! Dear God, can't they see what's happening in Venezuela? It's not fair. It's just not fair! 

But... I have a suggestion. Forget Manny and Bryce. Think... Dallas Keuchel. If you were to buy Dallas Keuchel, I believe it would shut their goddamm fucking ingrate pie-holes. In fact, I know it would. I deal with these people on a regular basis. You should consider me your eyes and ears. Every day, I stare wide-eyed into the gaping jaws of their hateful schemes and hellish delusions. If you sign Dallas Keuchel, we will bring rest to the unrest, unify the disunity and restore happiness to Yankeeness. 

I have taken the pains to list five reasons to sign Dallas Keuchel.

1. Our five-man rotation would be comparable to Boston's: Severino, Keuchel, Paxton, Tanaka and Happ... v. Sale, Price, Eovaldi, Porcello and Rodriguez (with the scary Stephen Wright backing them up.) Truth be told, without Keuchel, they still have a huge advantage over us.

2. We can slot in CC as sixth man, without having to worry about him dying on the mound from cardiac arrest. 

3. We don't have to fear Boston's impending counter move. (Sir, never sleep on the Redsocks. Last winter, they waited and waited, then signed J.D. Martinez. They have been quiet thus far. One of these days, they will strike.)

4. Keuchel always pitches well against us. We no longer have to sweat him.

5. Shave that horrible beard. Do the world a favor.

Sir, remember the two fundamental rules by which all baseball owners swear: 1) You never make any money, and 2) You never have enough much pitching. Paxton and Tanaka are fragile. Happ is old. Sevy still hasn't explained the second half. The reality is that, despite your heroic spending, the 2019 Yankees are a few tweaked gonads away from disaster. Keuchel would be an insurance policy. He won't cost you a Manny or Bryce. Your wife can still buy a $50 pair of shoes! No more consignment stores! Everyone will be happy!