WTF? The Yankees are about to balance a $210 million lineup on a guy making the MLB minimum

There are still rumors that the fully functional Deaf Star could magically vault into the Manny Machado collusion matrix, which now has Mr. Hustle facing a lifetime sentence in Chicago, Philadelphia or San Diego. But let's face it: The Yankees probably won't chase Manny, regardless of what he might accept to escape Dannemora. We're counting pennies again. But frankly, our infield sure could use a superstar who can play SS or 3B. 

I mean, if Lou Costello were still alive, he'd be yelling "Who's on first, and second and third?" Because just three weeks from pitchers and catchers, nothing in our infield is defined. 

For now, here is my best summary of an infield with everything - everything - up for grabs, and hinging upon an aging stalwart who hasn't taken a swing in 20 months.

We start at SS, where the Yankees have seemingly committed to Troy Tulowitzki's magical comeback at age 34. Clearly, they think Tulo can somehow give them five solid months, until Didi Gregorius returns. (Another question mark, by the way.) Five years ago, Tulowitzki looked like a future Hall of Famer, piling up huge numbers in the helium atmosphere of Colorado. He was dealt to Toronto - where the air is more like elevator farts - in a failed pennant stretch run. He's never been the same. He missed all of last season and most of 2017. But here's the deal: We're paying him the minimum, based on a two-day tryout last month, and we're hoping he returns to form. After all, he says he feels great. Why would he lie?

And, who knows... maybe it'll work. Maybe Tulo can come back and save the team. Trouble is, this fantasy has been dreamed by the Yankees many times before: Vernon Wells, Alfonso Soriano, Kevin Youkilis, Travis Hafner, the list goes on. We'll see.

But if Tulo plays poorly or gets hurt, then - well, as far as I can see - everything goes nuts. At that point, here are the options: 

a) Move Gleyber Torres to SS. Trouble is, we still don't really know Gleyber. Is he the all-star 2B who hit .300 in the first half, or the ragged ball-in-the-dirt-chasing strikeout machine, who returned after his injury? Last year, his fielding at 2B was a definite "MEH," and it's worth wondering if he'd be a solid defensive SS. Moreover, if we move him around, could we ruin the guy? Wouldn't it be best to install him at 2B, and let him grow comfortable there?

b) Move DJ LeMahieu to SS. Trouble is, he's a gold glove 2B. He can probably field the SS position, but would he be overtaxed there? And what kind of hitting should we expect? In today's game, 2B is a critical offensive position. Can we afford to install a slappy .260 fielding specialist at such a key slot? Frankly, if Tulo plays well, I don't know what LeMahieu's job will be, other than late-inning replacements. We signed him for $12 million a year. What role do we have him playing?  

c) Play Tyler Wade. Trouble is, he's done nothing in his brief MLB career to inspire hope. One advantage, he bats LH, and there won't be many in the lineup who do. 

d) Look for a scrap heap fielding SS - they're out there - and hold on until Didi returns. Trouble is, rushing Didi might backfire, wrecking his season entirely.

Then there is 3B, where Miguel Andujar's glove must improve, or he'll need to learn the OF. Last fall, his throws to 1B were borderline Knoblauch. If Andujar fails to show progress in spring training, LeMahieu might move to 3B, keeping the infield intact until Tulo pulls up lame.

Finally, there's 1B, where neither Greg Bird or Luke Voit will ever win a gold glove. Bird hasn't shown an ability to hit, and Voit might simply be a once-around-the-league. 

I'm serious. This looks like a fourth-grade art project done with Cray-Z Glue. The Yankees are balancing a $210 million payroll on a 34-year-old china doll who will be earning minimum wage. If it all works, yeah, we could be really good. If one cog breaks, though... uh-oh.

Am I seeing this correctly? Are we really doing this? I keep staring at the painting, but I don't see any flamingos.