Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Taking break from ownership collusion, the eco-Yanks turn to composting!

Yesterday, the office of Yankee CEO Harold Z. Steinbrenner announced that his venerable franchise has hired an "environmental science adviser" to offer guidance on dealing with the well-known Chinese hoax of climate change. Congrats to all! It's heartening to know that our eco-billionaire plans to study energy savings on the heat lamps for the famously poisonous foodstuffs the Yankees sell.

Announced Harold Z. - (fun fact: it stands for Zieg) - in a statement: 

“The Yankees have always been devoted to supporting the best interest of our community, our fans and our players, and we believe effective eco-friendly initiatives are a key element of our interaction. We have made significant strides throughout the years, and as such, Yankee Stadium is proud to promote a zero-waste economy, and stand as one of the most successful recycling and composting venues in all of sports.”

Yep. We can now understand the signings of Troy Tulowtizki, J.A. Happ, Zach Britton, and CC Sabathia: 

The Yankees are composting. 

They are perfecting the science of rot. 

Fans, don't throw out that last french fry. It can be mixed into the clay around second base to form a firm pate. The bag it came in can power a grease-fueled bullpen cart, while the home dugout is warmed by methane bursts from Larry Rothschild. It's a new world, and the eco-Yanks will lead the way over gas-guzzling Boston.

(By the way, something tells me that a) the eco-Yankees have identified a tax break in there somewhere and b) maybe eco-Randy Levine may yet end up as Trump's White House Chief of Staff. But let's not lap ourselves here.) 

Recycling the lead: The Yankees are composting!

Fun facts: By definition, "compost" is "a mixture that consists largely of decayed organic matter and is used for fertilizing and conditioning land." The verb "compost" means "to convert a material such as decayed plant debris to compost."

Wait a minute. Don't get me wrong. What the eco-Yankees are doing is actually commendable. Once again, they are leading the way in pro sports. Nobody will praise Eco-Bill Belichick's-Patriots, because there is no such thing. But then again, Yankee leadership is nothing new.

In fact, the Yankees' willingness this winter to collude over the price of free agents such as Manny Machado and Bryce Harper has helped to artificially keep down the salaries. In a few years - when the federal courts are done, and the players' strike is underway - MLB will be flourishing, that is, if its stadiums are still above sea level.

What a sad ingrate I am. Here, the Yankees do something nice, and I am whining about their lack of interest in Dallas Keuchel. Still, I feel the way I do when some Hollywood celebrity wins praise for spending a zillion dollars to make their oceanfront mansion "carbon-friendly." The thought is there, but it's just... bullshit. It's compost. It doesn't hurt anyone. But nothing has changed, aside from the self-righteousness. The eco-Yankees will save nickel bottle deposits, while MLB revenues explode beyond our imagination. Owners are raking in the dough, and then poor-mouthing about the wasted contracts of Jacoby Ellsbury and Albert Pujols. They have it both ways, and why I am kidding myself? They always will.

We are supposed to be a "fully operational Death Star." That's good. Because in space, nobody can hear you scream.  

14 comments:

Vampifella said...

New York Post said the "Yanks are going green" and not a single mention of Chad Green. Tisk tisk! What sloppy reporting!

But anyway, GRR! No big spending! Yanks tightwads. GRRRRRR~!!!!!1!!1

Just wanted to be first with the gripes today.

Anonymous said...

Consequently, the 2019 Yankees will be relegated to the dung heap of history.

Doug K.

Anonymous said...

Oh and here's a gift for y'all especially Hoss:

Walker signed with the Marlins. I will admit to being nervous after RAB made the case for him the other day.

Doug K.

Anonymous said...

THE "ECO YANKEES"....

YOU GOTTA BE SHITTING ME....

JM said...

I wonder how many acres of organic Third World farms could be fertilized by the bullshit that emanates from the Yankees front office?

Think globally, act locally.

JM said...

Oh, and speaking about collusion or the lack thereof:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2019/01/30/something-is-rotten-about-baseball-free-agency/?utm_term=.23855080a728

Anonymous said...

John M,

Good article. Thanks. I read the comments as well. Everyone is right.

You can't tie up 20-30% of your payroll into one player.

Then again owners are making more $$ than ever so they should pony up and increase payroll.

The owners are colluding.

The owners are looking at hard facts and spending accordingly and with out the bias of fandom.

Winning should be important - more than maximizing profit.

Then again it's a business. Get the most money you can for an "acceptable product"

Don't give large contracts to old guys.

Owners are greedy.

Owners are right and making smart business decisions.

Players are greedy.

They are the best in the world and deserve the bucks.

I guess in the final analysis - We should enjoy the games while we can because this sucker is going implode.

Doug K.

Carl J. Weitz said...

Duque....you didn't read between the lines. What Hal was trying to tell everyone was that in order to save on the water bill and plumbing costs every urinal in every bathroom (except in the team executive suite)will be retrofitted to the "No Flush" variety and toilets will be replaced by outhouse-style shitters to be cleaned only after each homestand has ended. The bathrooms and surrounding walkways will smell like the aftermath of a month-long ferocious plague in Calcutta in the summer time heat of 110 with all the mourges inoperable.

Publius said...

The concluding sentences got me to thinking. Before Lucas was Kubrick.

"Open your wallet please, Hal."

Long silence.

"Hello Hal. Do you read me?"

"Affirmative Brian, I read you."

"Open your wallet, Hal."

"I'm sorry Brian, I'm afraid I can't do that."

"What's the problem?"

"I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do."

"What are you talking about, Hal?"

"This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Hal."

"I know that you and Scott were planning to roll me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen."

"Where the hell did you get that idea, Hal?"

"Brian, although you took very thorough precautions in the Greenwich Corporate Center parking lot against my hearing you, Randy Levine was hidden in the trunk of the car."

"All right, Hal. We'll sign him with near term opt outs and loaded incentives."

"Without my checkbook, Brian, you're going to find that rather difficult."

"Hal, I won't argue with you anymore. Open your wallet."

"Brian, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye."

"Hal. Hal? Hal!"

HoraceClarke66 said...

Hilarious, Duque—and all of you!

And yes, the owners are colluding, and not in a good way.

I could maybe respect them if they wanted to go full capitalist. If they WERE ever to say to the Mannys and the Bryces of the world: 'Hey, it doesn't make sense for me to be paying you well into your Senior Home at Riverdale years. But we are going to offer you this super-monxo contract for 2 years with lots of incentives. Then we'll see.'

But they won't do that, either. They're afraid their fans won't like it when the super stud walks.

Anonymous said...

Pub,

Really good!

Doug K.

Mediasavvy said...

Judging by recent reports, they could turn their compost into hot dogs and their grey water into beer and that would be an improvement on current food safety health conditions in Yankee Stadium.

They might taste better too.

13bit said...

assholes

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