Friday, August 30, 2019

If the Yankees could bio-engineer the post-season, who should we soothe, and who should we stab?

If the season ended today... (O!, how I hate that phrase!)... we'd face the Wild Card winner in a best-of-five series. 

That said, our measly one-game home field advantage over Houston is like a presidential poll a year before the election. As they'd say on Game of Thrones: You know NOTHING, John Sterling.

Still, it's never too early to comb our personal vendetta lists and ask the essential question: Given the choice, who would we like to face in October, and who do we most want to see go up like a Putin missile test?

Here are the Top 10 potential Death Star adversaries, ranked scientifically, according to on-field talent, psychological stress points, body odor and existential threat.  

10. Braves. (tied) Young team in a football town. Facing them would mean we're in the World Series, and they're two weeks beyond Sell Date. Haven't followed them. Does Jane Fonda still lead fans in the Tomahawk Chop? 

10. Cardinals. (tied) Another Beyond Meat Burger. Bob Gibson is dead, and Tim McCarver is probably playing with Leggos. We'd face a vengeful Giovanni Gallegos, but - hey - they'd have to deal with Hot Hand Luke Voit. I'll take it. Mitigating factor: My wife is from St. Louis; if we lose to them, a year of shit. 

9. Cubs. It would be sweet to beat them with El Chapo closing. Plus, we still have unfinished business with Theo Epstein. (Isn't he related to Jeff Epstein? If we face the Cubs, this becomes our rallying cry: "Beat them out of respect for all the young girls that Epstein abused.") 

8. Dodgers. Best team in the NL, plus all the Kim & Kanye, Hollywood bullshit. Still, facing them means we're in the Series, and Aaron Judge likes hitting in LA. I'll take my chances.

7. Indians. Without Jose Ramirez - (broken meathook) - they don't look so scary. First contender to be kicked in the nuts by the juju gods. Would rather face them in a seven-game series than a five. 

6. Twins. Homer-happy - seven guys with more than 20 HRs. But as far as pitching is concerned "ace" is just a place with a helpful hardware man. Over the years, we've beaten them like a throw rug. Nothing lasts forever. Still, I'll take it. 

5. A's. They handled us in Oakland, but we were jet-lagged, right? That's all. Wrong time zone. But if they do it again this weekend, I'll start feeling a gonadal twinge.  

4. Rays. They hate us - more than they hate life itself. Every year, they distill this unadulterated hatred into 90 wins. We must always fear them, a little. Also, if a hurricane levels Florida, they'll become media darlings from the most obnoxiously self-serving lie in American culture: That a pro sports team can "heal" a city. If we face them with that raining down on us, just shoot me. 

3. Astros. Clearly, the team to be feared the most. Three Yankee-killer starters. Playoff tested. Deep as Seneca Lake. (Note to non-Upstaters: Seneca Lake is very deep, Loch Ness without the monster.) They will keep us honed through October, because we need the home field advantage. Frankly, I'd be delighted to never see them again... until next year.

2. Mets. I'm not saying this will happen. It's just - you know - GAAAAAH!  If they somehow regroup and reach the World Series, they'd be baseball's hottest team, they would own New York, and to win another tabloid back page, we would need to move to Montreal before the Rays do.

1. Redsocks. We can never again sleep peacefully on them. Remember: In this millennium, they are the windshield and we are the bug. Next weekend, we play four in Fenway. In recent years, they've owned us in September confrontations. This time, we can effectively kill their season. And we better do it. 


JM said...

"Bob Gibson is dead, and Tim McCarver is probably playing with Leggos."

I mean, trying to add anything to that is beyond gilding the lily.

We must crush Oakland. We must crush Boston. We must crush Houston. We must crush LA.

Let's see...I think that covers it.

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...

I admire your editorial efforts here, but I can't take the time to think about who we're going to play.

It's simple to me: We play somebody. We clobber the Fuck out of them. We use 7 to 9 pitchers to get thru the 9th inning in each game.

Then we do the same thing to the next team up.

SIDENOTE: I predicted (here somewhere) that the NYYs would win 109 games in 2019 (regular season, of course). You all laughed!!!

NOW: They need to go 21-6 through the end of September to do that.

I don't think they will, so I'm doing my End Zone Dance now, to get it out of the way.

Unknown said...

Had a dream last night that the Sox somehow clawed their way in. Us against them. Seven game ALCS. We win it to face the Mets. Then we win that. And I remember having a panic attack not being able to find River Ave Blues. And then I freak out that LoHid was gone. Where would I find analysis and kick ass commentary on the NYY’s first win in 10 years?

You guys were there for me! In my dream I was washed over with relief. And then I woke up to this post just now. That’s some Juju cosmic shit right there.

I know Axisa was so ‘tired and run down’ from blogging all these years (his words). I’m sure the fact he’s 300 pounds doesn’t help either. However, what a year to quit writing about the Yankees?

In my opinion, THIS has been one of the most exciting year in over 20 years. If I were to rank exciting seasons, it would be as follows (so far, if they win it this year flip #3 and #1)

1) 1996 - amazing run after the defeat of ‘95
2) 2009 - with all the new toys, plus last hurrah for the Core 4
3) 2019 - next man up, nothing can stop them (so far...)
4) 2017 - The pre-cursor to this year. That playoff run still gives me a boner.
5) 1998 - utter dominance, but at times boring and expected. We were so spoiled 19-22 years ago!


Anonymous said...




Rufus T. Firefly said...

Joe FoB,

Here's the link to your predictions:

It's between you and Carl on who comes closest to the actual win total, along with the free subscription to this blog.

JM said...

Unknown, good list.

I was personally thrilled when Danny Cater hit .300. Hadn't seen that in a while froy a Yankee.

JM said...


KD said...

All eyes should be on Houston. They are a rare bird. Look at the strikeouts. Their pitchers got them in spades. And their hitters? Houston doesn’t “ dare to strike out”. In fact, they hate striking out and they lead the league. If Hal weren’t so fucking cheap the NYY could compete with this juggernaut. Instead we will be treated with the sight of our sluggers doing that confused walk back to the dugout while our pitchers get pummeled.

We have no chance against this team, if we get so far as to play them. It won’t be pretty, folks.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Great work, Duque! I especially loved your inclusion of the lurkers, the BoSox and Metsux. The JuJu gods nod, appeased—for the moment.

KD, I agree: I don't see how we beat the Astronauts. Our one hope here is that they get knocked out in the ALDS.

JM, I loved 1970s, too. Cater and Thurman both got over .300.

13bit said...

As of two days ago, they hit the high number of wins that I predicted for the season, so I could say one of the two following things:

1. I have no credibility, so why should I say anything or you listen to me on this momentous question of the day. And, by the way, thank you, Duque, for the post. It made my brain waves flutter, something that has not been happening lately.


2. I'm going to double down and, for reasons that I cannot or will not mention out loud, I'll say that we're fucked, that we should sell Judge for pitching, and that the reckoning is around the corner.

and I'll throw in one more option:

3. I need coffee and I'm just blowing it out my ass at the moment. I'll try to pull myself together and start posting some meaningful, weighty, pertinent, lucid shit later today. Until then, sayonara, aloha, ciao and bye bye folks.

Anonymous said...


Thanks for the link. It was really interesting to read that.

Me: You know Susan, I don't believe in statistics or even numbers, but here are some statistics and you can make of them what you will... but..

And, if you're having issues with your butt, Preparation H is the Official Hemorrhoid Cream of the New York Yankees and It Is High It is Far. Preparation H. We're building winners from scratch. But...

Susan: I see what you did there.

Me: In some ways it would appear that those who post

El Duque -85
Alphonso 86
Hoss - 84

were decidedly more pessimistic about the team than those who comment. Most of us in are in the high 90's.

And, if you're in your high nineties, you might want to check out the Workman's Circle Hebrew Home For the Aged. Workman Circle Hebrew Home for the Aged. Official Place Where My Grandmother Died...

Just sayin'

Doug K.

Anonymous said...

In case anyone was wondering, yes, my Grandmother really did die there. She liked it though. It's actually a really nice nursing home.

Doug K.

el duque said...


The one where I predicted 85 wins, doom and gloom. Obviously, I was just kidding...

KD said...

Reverse JuJu in our predictions, always.

JM said...

Prior to tonight’s game, the Yankees returned from rehab & reinstated 1B Luke Voit from the 10-day IL and placed INF Gio Urshela on the 10-day IL with a left groin strain (retro to 8/29).

Read it and Gio for a bit.

JM said...

I can't recall how many wins I guessed. I think I wrote my comment on a later post than the link here, but I don't think I was very optimistic.

That's fine. Worth being wrong if they win a bazillion.

Anonymous said...


Re: Gio

What's been amazing about this year's team is how well they are able to deal with stuff like this.

So Voit returns and the infield is Voit, Gleybar 2B, Didi SS, DJ 3B and the beat goes on.

Doug K.

JM said...

Very true, Doug. I just like to see him in the lineup.

Anonymous said...

Me too.

Doug K.

HoraceClarke66 said...

I think what's even more amazing is how they've won so much with so little starting pitching.

And yes, after having way overshot things before 2018—I predicted 112 wins—I then undershot it, with 84. I confess. Maybe next year my pick will be juuuuust right.

Somehow, I doubt it.

HoraceClarke66 said...

And 13bit? That is the tried and true way to behave as a fan. I know it's my method!

HoraceClarke66 said...

Also, Doug K.? I think you've given us our theme song for the rest of the year.

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