Thursday, August 15, 2019

Without Baltimore, the Yankees will soon run out of tomato cans

Ah, Baltimore, sweet Baltimore... 

Not since grade school, with my bath oil beads still as elevated as my singing voice, do I recall the Yankees so overwhelming another team. Then, it was KC, who traded us Roger Maris - (NOTE: HE SHOULD BE IN THE HALL) - for the clanking Hank Bauer, Don Larsen and Norm Siebern, and the soon-to-be legendary Marv Throneberry. When the Athletics came to town, I didn't even bother to arrange my baseball cards into a juju formation. They were toast, even without summoning the gods. Throughout the eighties, Dorothy's line "We're not in Kansas anymore," summed up the Yankees' plight. Over the years, we've tortured the Twinkies now and then, and the Devil Rays once doubled as our pet oysters, but I cannot remember the Death Star so casually destroying another planet as we did this enchanted summer with the sad and sickly O's. Ah, Baltimore... 

Even yesterday, when the McNulty's (a "The Wire" reference, for cultural midgets out there) rallied to force us to bring in El Chapo with a one-run lead - (which, by the way, is a terrifying notion: According to my research, Chapman is 4-4 in one-run games, a stat that could spell doom in the playoffs) - even with raw momentum on their side, the game never seemed in doubt. We were playing Baltimore. We were safe and secure... and you can keep your family safe and secure with New York Life. 

Ah... but nothing lasts forever. Baltimore is gone, and we won't see their luxurious, 2-17 mediocrity - again, perhaps in our lifetimes. No more hearing The Master warn about the "dangerous" Trey Mancini, while Suzyn marvels over Hanser Alberto. Summer is over. Our voices are no longer high and clear, but raspy and tired. 

Tonight, we play Cleveland, a city that hates us more than it hates life itself. From there, it's a West Coast hike through broken bottles and syringes - Oakland and the Dodgers, (three games that will be hyped as a World Series prelude.) Stress is coming to our happy dugout. 

Let's take a quick look at the schedule ahead. We face...  

19 games against still-twitching red meat: Indians (4), A's (6), Dodgers (3) Redsocks (4 - gulp - at Fenway), Rays (2) 

15 games against hand-packed burger: Rangers (6), Blue Jays (6), Angels (3)

6 against certified kibble: Mariners (3) and Tigers (3).

It's too early to sell playoff tickets. In 1978 - the mythical season - we were 9 behind Boston on Aug. 13. Today, the Redsocks are 17.5 behind us in the AL East, and 8 games down in the loss column for the Wild Card. It's Houston that represents the great existential threat. Baltimore is gone. Farewell, crab cakes. We'll always have the summer of 2019. But now it's time to see how good we really are. 


Rufus T. Firefly said...

That west coast trip is going to leave me sleep deprived. At least there's a couple of 4 pm games.

We'll hear about the Dodger games from annoying prognosticators for the rest of the season, no matter the outcome. Let's hope it's 3-0 for the good guys (dreaming, I know).

And FIVE of the nine games are national TV, which means really fucking annoying announcers. Thank god for the Master and his Compañera.

TheWinWarblist said...

Sing it, Rufus T. Sing it.

Fuck you Hal.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

Amen Rufus T!
And Mighty WinWarblist, love your avatar! I understand not using the photo we were all looking at during the game, in retrospect, your nip slip is not family-site appropriate.

TheWinWarblist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TheWinWarblist said...

It's just like that sometimes. They are always popping out. My nipples are so big and brown after breastfeeding the triplets for 4 years ... and leaky. They're very leaky.


JM said...

I have that problem, too. But it's not my boobs.

KD said...

Warbler have you given up pants? Or has your enthusiasm for wearing them on your head waned?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Anonymous said...

Can MLB do anything about the Orioles? They don’t even try. It’s so cynical. They had the entire DC/Baltimore area as huge fans and they’ve thrown it all away. We complain mightily (and with justification) about Hal and his penny pinching ways but can you imagine the Yankees being owned by a piece of lawyerly crap like Angelos?

Rufus T. Firefly said...


I think part of your 'leakage' problem (a different term in the business world), beyond nursing the triplets, might be all that latex you had to put on during your days as a lap dancer paying your way through med school.

hmmm... and triplets? Who else do we know that has triplets? Let me think. Wait! You're not the Master's ex, are you? Was it jealousy over Suzyn that led to the breakup?

TheWinWarblist said...

Lap dancer? I prefer sex worker. It nice and simple and doesn't stereotype me into just one role, no matter how exciting, sweaty and lucrative lap dancing is.

And latex? What's that?

KD, I will never forsake pants. And never, ever ever lucky pants on head!

Fuck you so very angrily Hal. So very very angrily.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Hilarious, Duque! It was indeed a pleasure playing the representatives of The Babe's hometown.

"Hard times in the city
In a hard town by the sea
Ain't nowhere to run to
There ain't nothin' here for free..."

Something DOES need to be done about the Orioles—but I don't think the fault is so much Angelos'.

Among other things, he's 90 now, and in the past he's done a lot of good philanthropy stuff around Baltimore. AND, it was his stepping up that ended the baseball lockout in 1995, when the Great Bud Selig was willing to start play with scabs.

"And they hide their faces
And they hide their eyes
Cause the city's dyin'
And they don't know why..."

Now that the cartel that is "MLB" makes it almost impossible for any owner to lose money, the owners should step up, make sure anyone coming in is properly capitalized and wants to win. AND, they and the players should insist on a spending floor, to go with the cap.

But they won't. Because like so many cartels, they are essentially an Old Boys club, mostly interested in cavorting with people they like. If they possessed any vision at all, they'd see where this is leading the sport: to stadium after stadium full of empty seats, and rapidly dwindling interest among the young.

But they don't. Or they don't care. Hey, they're contemporary America to a T. They're old, and they got theirs. WTF do they care?

"Oh, Baltimore
Man, it's hard
Just to live
Oh, Baltimore
Man, it's hard
Just to live."

el duque said...

For less than a million bucks, Baltimore could have had Gio Urshela, Mike Tauchman, Cameron Maybin, Luke Voit and probably Domingo German. Two years ago, the Blue Jays were just as bad. Now, they have a team rocketing toward the future. The problem isn't Baltimore. It's the Orioles.

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