DEAR NEW YORK TABLOIDS

BOYCOTT MLB ON YOUR BACK PAGES UNTIL THE LOCKOUT ENDS!

Friday, August 23, 2019

It's official: This is a West Coast Swing from Hell

It's time, Katie: Bar the door, smash the dishes, toss the rooms, unplug the TV, delete all signs of life, and then burrow deep into the cellar, into the coal bin,  covering yourself in six inches of ash, with the loaded Luger square in your mouth. Get comfy. We'll be here six more nights. And if you hear voices outside, don't answer. Shhhh. It's You Know Who.

We play three in LA, then three in Seattle. Brace yourselves, everybody: 

We will lose at least four. We could even get swept... or Ryan McBroomed. 

It's here, folks: the late summer, doomsday, reality check that each of us secretly knew was coming, but nobody wanted to acknowledge. Let me describe our predicament in clinical, cold-hard science: The mind flayer has slipped through the inter-dimensional porthole from the upside-down world, he's building an army of zombie flesh-hosts, and he's coming to suck our brains with his snake-faced vacuum cleaners. We face six more nights on this west coast terror-scape, and - frankly - right now, I'm rooting for the earthquake, that Richter Scale chart-buster that puts to rest once and for all the nasty back-and-forth over why Miley Cyrus and Liam Hensworth are calling it quits. (By the way, that sweet little songbird, Miley, says she never cheated on the brother of Thor, but I dunno. All I remember is how Tanya Tucker destroyed the last good man on earth, Glen Campbell; the tendrils of love can strangle even the mightiest brother of an Olympian diety. Ah, but that's why God gave us Access: Hollywood.) 

I could write forever about Miley and Liam, but this is supposed to be about the Yankees, right? We still face an entire week on Pacific Coast Time, with three games against baseball's best team, and three against a tomato can that still hates us for failing to outbid them on Robbie Cano. We've had the audacity to label ourselves a "fully operational Death Star." Right now, we're the S.S. Minnow with Gilligan manning the helm.

But, alas, nobody can ever accuse this blog of negativity. In fact, we're happy-go-lucky, meadowlarks of good Yankee news. And here is some: 

No matter what happens on this trip - even if we lose all nine - when we return to New Mets City, we will still lead the AL East.



Okay, back to our internal terror... 

I cannot dispel a sense that our problems run deeper than imagined. We battered Baltimore so easily - Chris Davis, ha! - that it created a false sense of our power. Once we faced an actual contender - Cleveland - we were damn lucky to work a split. Now, we've hit a buzz-saw in Oakland, and it won't get easier with the Dodgers. We don't intimidate good teams - especially when we're down 3-0 after the first inning. More and more, we find ourselves reading updates on Luis Severino and Dellin Betances - they're drinking tea on flat ground and bathing with Calgon beads! - because nothing else brings hope. I mean, seriously, are we supposed to think J.A. Happ will turn it around? He is Sonny Gray 2.0.

Here's the pickle: No returning vets will save this team, because their replacements all performed arguably better than they did. Will Luke Voit out-hit LeMahieu and Mike Ford? Nope. Given his track record, Aaron Hicks will suck for two weeks until his timing returns. And Giancarlo Stanton? I don't even want to think of him. If we could freeze him with Jacoby Ellsbury in a cryogenic lab, then thaw them out in the year 2525, (if man is still alive,) that would be fine with me. 

Six more games, three of which (including tonight) will start too late to legitimately watch without drugs. Katie, bar the door. That tap tap sound outside... it's not the cavalry. It's You Know Who. Don't answer.

31 comments:

KD said...

My Dad traded his Nazi Luger “acquired” during the war for a sewing machine to make my mother happy, then regretted it the rest of his life. So I’ll settle for the 100 year old Smith and Wesson 38 special I found at a yard sale. If it fails to take out Kinky Boots as he rushes the root cellar, I’ll save the last round for myself.

How does Pettitte look these days? Could we bring him back as we did Clemens in 2007? Couldn’t be worse than the crew we’re handing the ball to these days!

The Ghost of Yankees Past said...

The starting pitching is now giving us a confirmation of what we have long known. It is not good enough to get past Houston in a seven game series. If we pitch at our best, and their pitchers are off their game a little, we have a chance. If both team’a starters pitch at their norm, we go home. We could be on the wrong end of a bunch of 5 - 4 scores.

I agree with el Duque that most of the returning player don’t make us better. Deeper yes ,but not better in a short series.There are two exceptions, Betances and Severino. If they can get back to form for the payoffs our chances go up.

Oh well, enjoy the ride and remember you can’t predict baseball.

Carl J. Weitz said...

Maybe, if we are lucky, the Texas Chain Saw Massacre guy will rev up his engine and vivisect Happ,Paxton, CC, Cessa,Cortes, Rothschild, Cashman, Hal Z., Boone and the entire Bloated Front Office.

Whew, that was some dream!

Anonymous said...

Our problem, plain and simple, is starting pitching...of which we have none. When you can't get past the first inning without being four runs behind, you aren't going to win. We didn't have to trade for Trevor Bauer or Robbie Ray or Stroman or whomever else they wanted Gleyber for. Oakland picked up two starters for absolutely nothing and both of them dominated us in this series and have been awesome. Don't get me started on Keuchel. Whose fault is it that our pitching is in shambles? Cashman? Rothschild? I saw Tanaka throw about three pitches last night and knew we were finished. I have no idea if we can hold off Tampa Bay for the division crown but it really matters not. We are finished in the first full playoff series no matter who we face.

Anonymous said...

CASHMAN HAS TO PAY FOR THIS.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT VOIT, HICKS, AND DIDI. (HIS CROWN JEWELS OF ACHIEVEMENT).

HE HAS BUTCHERED OUR FARM, DESTROYED THE CONFIDENCE OF OUR BEST HITTING PROSPECT, AND IS INCAPABLE OF BUILDING A STRONG STARTING STAFF, OR EVEN JUST ADDING PIECES TO IMPROVE IT.

I HAVE HAD IT.

TAKE IT DOWN TO DEFCON 3.

13bit said...

I agree with all of you and, ALL-CAPs, as you said yesterday, I wake up in hell every day - luckily, all my friends are there - but we must remember one thing - HAL DOES NOT CARE.

Cash will throw everybody else under the bus, but I'd be shocked if he did not talk his way into another contract. Hal's making money either way, so he doesn't care.

George may have been a dick and, at times, a rash moron, but HE WANTED TO WIN. That's the critical difference here. Cashman is Hal's beard. He's a good cover, provides plausible deniability, the appearance of wanting to win without the expenditure.

HAL DOESN'T CARE. repeat after me...HAL DOESN'T CARE...

13bit said...

PS, having just re-read "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bronx is Burning," by Jon Mahler, I was painfully reminded of Hal's limp dick and lack of care. It's a fun read - not Hemingway, but good enough to not get in the way of the story, which involves NYC in 1977 - the blackout, the mayoral races - which were nuts, the disintegration of the city, and the Yankees. Billy Vs George Vs Reggie. George comes across as nuts, but also as someone who really wanted to win and did whatever it took - in his head. We all remember him issuing those insane statements, playing games of chicken with Billy, spending money, showing up at other stadiums, throwing tantrums, etc. CAN YOU EVER IMAGINE the bloodless Hal doing any of that?

HAL DOES NOT CARE ABOUT:

THE YANKEES
WINING
US

13bit said...

Here's what Hal cares about - $$$$$$$
Money.

Remember the article where somebody, I think it was Randy Levine, but it could have been Hal, mentioned how much they could have sold the naming rights to Yankee Stadium for when the built the new shithouse that Ruth did NOT build? They talked about it as though they had made this great sacrifice for their fans. "Look at what we did..."

It's all about the money. Maybe it always was, but there was always some desire to win. No more. No more. No more.

Hal has never been hungry, literally or metaphorically. When you're not hungry, you don't go hunting. The only thing he was every hungry for was to fuck over his dad, who either dominated or abandoned him - does it matter which?

How do you do get revenge on your dad? Neglect the one thing he lived for and was associated with. Sorry for the armchair psychology, but it's pretty black and white here.

Hal is an asshole.

Sell Judge.
Feel the team.
Castrate Boone and Cashman.
Burn down the Stadium

Fuck these fucks.

13bit said...

not FEEL the team.

SELL the team.

I need coffee.

Fuck it all.

ranger_lp said...

We're playing 3 games against the Dodgers under NL rules playing like this...I smell another sweep...smh.

#FYL

Rufus T. Firefly said...

It gets worse. MUCH worse:

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/online-fraud-scheme-that-stole-million-dozens-indicted-today-2019-08-22/

We must stop this. Dr. Olu is in danger.

We need to help him now (and get rich in the process). All he needs is your banking information.

Stolen message below:

Dear Friend,

First I will like you to take your time to go over this mail carefully and with patience. Please, this is a matter of urgency, this is because I need your help and I need it very quickly too. At this stage I will like to introduce my self. I am DR.OLU JACOBS. I am 51 years old, a Nigerian.Today I am formally retired as the personal accountant to the late head of state of this country Late General. Sani Abacha. Since his demise things have never been the same for us who served under his regime. I cannot leave the country for now because the present government is still investigating huge amounts of funds embezzled by the Late Head of State and remains hostile to his family and properties.

Shortly before his death the General gave me a very huge amount of money to be transfered to an off-shore Security Company abroad and this I did with the help of his eldest son Mohammed Abacha who was recently released from detention for human rights violations. In any case the funds was successfully transfered and it is currently in a safe deposit abroad. All the papers to legally claim the funds is with my attorney for security porposes and the amount involved in this transfer is US$30,000,000.00 (Thirty Million Dollars).

The present government of my country has so far recovered most of the funds transfered by the Late General but they do not and will not have access to this one. This is because the funds is not in a bank like the others already recovered but rather, in a security company and all documents relating to it's existence completely unknown except by me. I have thought about this and I have decided to invest this funds abroad,preferably in your beautiful country and later settle with my family there when all this is over. However, for now I sincerly want your help in the area of investment opportunities in you country. In Research, Real estate and properties, computers and other things that will bring real returns for my investment worth. Please, can you help me by recieving the funds as the beneficiary?. There is no risk involved as the funds is already out of Nigeria. All you need is just the papers to put forward before the Security company and the funds will be released to you promptly. These papers I am ready to send to you as soon as I hear from you with personal information about your self.

Please, be informed that you will be compensated with 30% of the funds upon collection if you agree to help me, and the rest we can put into business. I await your urgent response. I will fill you in with more information when I have heard from you. Please do furnish me with your phone and fax numbers when responding. Thanks and God bless you as I look forward to your favourable reply.

Yours sincerly,
DR.OLU JACOBS

Rufus T. Firefly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rufus T. Firefly said...

OK, corrected Haiku. Because I get quantum mechanics but not counting.

Nigerian prince
Wants to send lots of money
Sex life will return

ranger_lp said...

Same Nigerian scam that Trump probably got in an email that Greenland for sale.

Anonymous said...

13 BIT, YOU ARE SO RIGHT ABOUT GEORGE BEING A BIT OF A DICK BUT WANTING TO WIN.

....AND HAL BEING A "BEARD".

HE REALLY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT WINNING...

HE SAYS HE DOES, BUT IF ISN'T IN THE PARAMETERS OF HIS PROPOSED "BUDGET", THEN IT'S "FUCK YOU" TO WINNING.

MORE LIKE, "FUCK US".

13bit said...

We'll always have Baltimore, my friends...

Last year at Marienbad...

Here's looking at you kid...

I see a red door and I want it painted black...

I'll pretend I'm free from sorrow, make believe that wrong is right...

I asked for water, she gave me gasoline...

Only Carl Pavano can save us now...

Buckle up, Captain, we're going in...

"And now. starring Sasha Grey..."

Fuck you, Hal.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

So it’s almost 10pm... am I really going to torture myself with this game?

Rufus T. Firefly said...

In October, there is a reason to stay up late.

Goodnight all.

Fuck you Yankees management all.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Well John started with Welcome to Ringling Brother Barnum and Bailey Circus. Maybe John will make this tolerable. But if they are behind even one run, the radio is off.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Suzyn’s color... “I don’t know what any of these nicknames mean. I have a list? Do you l know where I put it Jack?”

Maybe John acts ridiculous to keep Suzyn looking smart,

ranger_lp said...

For some reason, I can't explain this game....

Ken of Brooklyn said...

I must be dreaming, checked back in with the Yanks up 9-2, whooooooop!!!!!!!!!!!

Ken of Brooklyn said...

10- 2, It's The Dawning of the Age of Gregorious!

Ken of Brooklyn said...

THUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuUUUUUU YANKEES WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

Walking my dog since 6am local time, it really is fun and a refreshing experience to hear the Yankees squashing LA 10-2. With one more out to make. In front of a 51000+ sellout crowd.
Last out? The pitcher Maeda.

5 homers and 4 doubles.

This was fun to listen to.
15 strikeouts by the way.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

I fell asleep in the second, and the Yankees go on a tear. Does this mean I have to fall asleep in the second today also? I don’t know if I can promise that.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

If you have the At Bat app, look for the video summary of this game labeled “Yanks crush 5 homers in 10-2 win”. It’s all John Sterling, except the double up on Didi playing the Spanish broadcast... and wow, what a home run call! DI dee di de dee, dee a didi, deee da de a didi...

smurfy said...

Did ee really?

13bit said...

HEY! Homers are really cool. Trade Judge immediately while he's still hitting them. Get pitching for him and never look back.

Homers won't be enough in the playoffs.

Carl J. Weitz said...

Unfortunately, no trades until after the WS is over.

Isiyku Abdulahi said...


I really want the world to know about this great man who brought back happiness into my life again after my husband left me and the kids 3 years ago for another women online when i contacted Dr Believe he cast a love spell for me within 48 hours my ex husband start calling me and begging for forgiveness for everything that have happened between us. I was so happy to have my family back together with love again here is the email of Dr Believe via believelovespelltemple@gmail.com a man with the great powers you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348156148821
God bless you
I am very grateful for your help in my marriage.