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Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Seattle still must be punished for its festering hive of hatred

A confession: I don't like Seattle. Never liked Starbucks. Don't trust Microsoft. Sorta liked Pearl Jam, but hated Candlebox. Ugh. Never been to Seattle. Never will. Don't like the place.

A caveat: This has nothing to do with the people of Seattle. I have no personal animosity toward them. What pisses me off - and always will - is how they ruined Robbie Cano... and why.

Now, I'm not blaming Seattle for the vainglorious self-immolation of "Joginson" Cano. He brought down himself. But the Mariners in 2013 (corrected from earlier) made him an outlandish offer, so insane and unreasonable that he left an ideal situation in New York, where he stood poised to become an iconic, life-long Yankee. He chased a 10-year deal, one extra season, which - I believe, if he had an actual agent rather than a rap star (Jay-Z) looking to make a splash - would have been shown to be a bad idea. He chased the money. The rest is drunk history. 

Today, Cano is a mediocre, 36-year-old human anvil, who forgot how to hustle so long ago that - when he does run out a DP grounder - his gonads pop like Orville Redenbacher's Extra Butter Movie Mix. The dirty truth is that Cano squandered five years in Seattle, and had he stayed a Yankee, not only would today he be a surefire future fixture in Monument Park, but we might have won a ring. (I'm thinking of 2015, the season of Stephen Drew and Brigadoon Refsnyder. We sure could have used him.) 

Back in 2013, you looked at Cano's contract and had to shake your head. There was no way he'd ever be worth it. This year, he's making $24 million, an albatross figure the Mets will pay annually through 2023. 

He could never be worth that money, but here's the deal: 

Seattle didn't care.

Nope. They were sticking it to the Yankees. They were shaking off those "little town blues" and poking NYC square in the eye. Ha ha. And today, at 4:10 E.S.T., I hope we beat the living, yellow, rat-ejaculated snot right out of that pissy, un-balled, two-bit mosquito of a franchise - I'm talking five runs in the first, and then pour it on, until whatever fans remain are rooting for a Kaiju squid to attack the Space Needle, or whatever the hell they consider a landmark. 

They hate the Yankees. So be it. 

Let's give them something to remember us by. 

Not long ago, the assembled Gammonites of humankind were shocked - SHOCKED - that the Death Star didn't pull off a trade deadline deal for pitching - especially when Houston secured Zack Greinke. But the truth is, a bunch of teams in baseball simply would never allow themselves to be accused of the ultimate crime: Dealing with the Yankees. 

Let's face it: Cleveland was never going to send us Trevor Bauer, nor was Toronto going to deliver Marcus Stroman. No GM would survive the backlash from its hate-filled, anti-Yankee fan base. Thus, they made insulting demands - they wanted Gleyber Torres and Clint Frazier - for the Robbie Rays they hoped to peddle. 

For reasons rooted in tribal emotions that extend back for generations, some cities simply hate the big bad Yankees. Seattle took its shot at us in 2013. They celebrated wildly after outbidding us for a player who jogs. They beat their chests and touted themselves as an emerging superpower in the AL West. 

They haven't played in a post-season game since.

And today, I hope we make them lick the toilet stall.

39 comments:

TheWinWarblist said...

This. So many times this.



Fuck you Fuckyouhal.

Unknown said...

Good sir - Robbie came UP in 2005. That was his rookie year. He departed for SEA as a free agent in the winter of 2013, prior to the ‘14 season. Thought you may wanna fix this epic post so it makes sense.

Ceeja said...

If you put together the all time yankee team, isn't cano at second? I love Randolph and Richardson, but Cano was simply better. Tony Lazerri? Please.

The yanks have to sign these guys before they can go free agent. I know the hicks and severino deals dont look so good, but it's what you have to do.

Now there is this (moment of nausea)... dont you think Judge wants to go back to southern California? That cheap prick Hal better nip that in the bud right now. I wouldn't be able to survive that loss.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Cano never hustled. Randolph always did. Plus Joggy left for year 10 (vs. Yankees 9 year offer) and that incremental money that made it possible for him to buy that 3,784th DR estate. He will never notice the extra money in any way except hatred from NYY fans.

I could never put Cano on my all time Yankee team. Statistics might put him there, but you know how I feel about just relying on statistics.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

...and we have a better 2nd basemen than him now, because of his greed.

Lieber said...

Fitting anagram for today's game: Seattle? Let's eat!

Rufus T. Firefly said...

As for Judge wanting to return to Cali, lets hope there's another large outfielder that gets there quicker. Let's hope Judge isn't homesick for another 15 years or so.

Buhner's Ghost said...

Duque, we hereby rescind every invitation ever made to come to Seattle, home of Hall of Famers Junior Griffey and Edgar Martinez. You are just bitter about the 1995 playoff and always will be. Kick us while we're down, why don't ya? Let's go, Astros!

JM said...

1995 is burned into my bank of bitter, nefarious memories. You bet we have a grudge.

Der Kaiser said...

It was sad to see Cano go, but even the contract the Yankees were offering him would have been painful. We would like to imagine a better universe, where Cano, Lifetime Yankee, kept putting up 2012 numbers, leading the team to multiple titles before sailing into Cooperstown. But we've seen enough of this decade to know that isn't how it would have been. The injuries and declining performance (although I'm surprised to see how well he has held up) would have made his salary unpalatable, the suspension (in the New York spotlight) would have turned him into an absolute pariah, and with his expensive late thirties looming we would now see him as another Giancarlo. I still root for the fellow and would like to see him finish off his career on a good note, as long as he doesn't do it for Boston. But I think the Yankees were well advised not to top Seattle's offer, and as Rufus points out, they now have a better, younger second baseman.

What really irks me about Cano's departure is that it opened the door to the 2014 madness of Cashman. Arguably, signing Ellsbury was the first consequence of losing the Cano bidding (arguably since Ellsbury signed first). And Cashman's infield replacements for Cano were the stuff of nightmares, the most heinous of his reclamation failures. I still dread reading a news report that the Yankees have yet again signed Stephen Drew. (He's only 36! It could happen!)

tentigers said...

1995 sucked...but it was avenged in 2001 when we kicked the 116 win Mariners to the curb that post season (4 games to 1). Pretenders, just like the 18-1 Patriots.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

"are rooting for a Kaiju squid to attack the Space Needle "

@ElDuque,
Along with your everyday brilliance of baseball observation, there's always a sparkling pop culture jewel that never fails to make me spray coffee across my hastily covered laptop. THANK YOU THANK YOU for all of this and more my friend!

Long Live The Master!!!

Go Yanks!!!!

And FYH!

HoraceClarke66 said...

Hilarious, Duque! Your ability to constantly top yourself is stunning—no big contract letdown here! I especially liked the Orville Redenbacher reference.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Ceeja, interesting question.

Lazzeri was really a terrific player, though I think many would pick Joe "Flash" Gordon, whose career was interrupted by the war, and who was then traded for Allie Reynolds. Quite the power hitter for his day, and considered a wiz in the field. I believe that Bill James suggests that he and Phil Rizzuto may have been the best DP combination ever.

BUT...statistically, yes, Robbie Cano tops him. And really, c. 2010-2012, even to that deceptive judge known as the naked eye, he seemed to me better than any Yankees second baseman I had ever seen—maybe better than anybody but Joe Morgan in his prime.

The big question: was he juicing? Well, almost certainly YES, which sucks a lot of the air out of this whole argument. I mean, so was everybody else, yadayadayada...

It is to be hoped that The Gleyber erases any and all question of this...but what if he moves over to shortstop in a couple years?

HoraceClarke66 said...

And yes, Kaiser, I agree: I remember thinking that Cano wanted an insane amount of time and money, and hey, the Yanks would be better off signing several players.

BUT...much like any thought of trading Judge, this is the Cashman Dilemma.

It's all fine and good to say what the Yankees GM SHOULD do, but we know he won't do it well.

He went out, of course, and spent that money on Carlos Beltran, who he should have signed in the first place in 2005 (awful first year, got much better—dealt away for magic beans), Brian McCan't (already over the hill, as everyone but Coops could see), and of course, The Ellsbury Fiasco (why do all of Coops' deals sound Robert Ludlum titles?).

It's almost always best for Coops to just do the safest thing—in this case, re-sign Cano.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Oh, and Seattle? Nice town. Rains a tad.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

I hear there might be one or two homeless people in Seattle. And dirty needles.

Only time I was ever there was before Starbucks and grunge music. It was kinda bad then.

At least they imploded the monstrosity known as the Kingdome.

Trill Mattingly said...

Now THIS right here is a quality article

JimmyEatsHotDogs said...

Love your take on Mariners..... for the haters Seattle is actually a nice city.

Der Kaiser said...

Horace, I thoroughly agree, the less leeway Cashman has to make big moves, the better he performs.

The Ellsbury Fiasco has a wonderful title! If only the book were as good - unfortunately the plot has been extremely predictable, it feels like I've been reading it for six years now, and the end is nowhere in sight. I much preferred some his earlier work like The Giambi Pact, The Matsui Proficiency, and The Mussina Congruence. Though it received mixed reviews, The Montero Gambit at least had some literary merit. And some of the other flops, such as The Johnson Lunacy, The Pavano Debacle, and The Vazquez Folly (published in two volumes), were at least mercifully short in comparison.

Anonymous said...

THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE WHO HATES SEATTLE....

MIKE FORD.

.....AND HE HAS MADE THEM PAY, (WHICH IS SO SWEET).

MR. DUQUE HAS HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD WITH HOW OTHER GM'S HATE US (AND COOP), - AND WON'T DEAL WITH US.

WHICH MEANS HAL (AND COOP), NEED TO REALIZE THE NY YANKEES MUST "PONY UP" AND BE READY TO BLOW OTHER TEAMS AWAY WHEN IT COMES TO FREE AGENT PITCHERS. (CONVEYED BEAUTIFULLY A WHILE AGO BY DOUG K.)....

NEED HOME FIELD.

MUST KEEP FIGHTING.

SEVY ON THE MEND?

JORDAN MONTGOMERY TOO?

METS GOING DOWN.

IT MAY BE ALL COMING TOGETHER.

Anonymous said...

I have no issues with the Mariners. Yes, 1995 hurt but it was our first playoff action in a VERY long time and presaged out total domination of the rest of the decade (Clev.1997 notwithstanding.

We got Tino from them. That was good.

And, I don't miss Cano. I'm really happy that we have a young 2B who looks like a mega star as opposed to watching Cano decline.

Oh, and my all time second baseman is Horrace Clarke. Nah! I'm just sucking up. It's Willie Randolph because Those are my favorite Yankees.

And, as to the city, Seattle is really nice. You could do worse. Tacoma comes to mind.

Doug K.

13bit said...

Honestly, I'd take Lazzeri in his prime over Cano in his prime. I could not find any stats for "hustling" or "clutch" because, as we all know. those are meaningless metrics these days. Who needs hustle? Who needs clutch? There is no such thing as "clutch," although I would not say that around any of Yogi Berra's teammates. Anyway, Lazzeri was no slouch and I"m just guessing that he hustled when he hit a single.

I know you probably all think I'm nuts for touting a Judge trade, but I'm going to reserve my judgment on him for now. Two years ago, I wanted to make him Captain one day. Now, I'm not so sure.

Tom Kitrick said...

This post makes me proud to be a Yankee Fan. Respect to you sir.

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...

Some Lazzeri numbers (from baseball-reference.com) -- I am not affiliated in any way with that website -- over 6297 ABs (13 years, I guess -- '26 to '39) --

BA .292
OBP .380
Slugging .467
OPS = .847

178 HR, 148 SB, 1,194 RBI

1926 to 1939 . . . some damn fine years to be a fan of the NYYs, altho they didn't have the IIH blog in those days. Transition years from Babe + Lou to Joe Di

13bit said...

Did you see the stat about his being the only player ever to hit for the natural cycle and have the last homer be a grand slam?

TheWinWarblist said...

I did not. But I'm enjoying listening to the Master and his Helpmeet/Fluffer while I complete my day in the office.


Fuck you FUCKYOUHAL !!!!!!

TheWinWarblist said...

Bitty, I love posting after you do. Love the way the avatars line up.



Fuck you FUCKYOUHAL !!!!!!

13bit said...

We need someone to get Offisa Pup to complete things.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

I wonder if the asshole ump will call a balk today.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Sorry I can't join you Krazy Kats, but my avatar is actually my picture, so I'd hate to change it.

There is another of the meetup gang that doesn't have an avatar and might be coerced.

I don't want to name names, but his initials are CJW.

Which reminds me. Hoss is delinquent. In more ways than one.

JM said...

Jack Curry is such a mouthpiece for management. Disgusting.

JM said...

Hard to top Meredith asking Gio about his groin.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

"Hard to top Meredith asking Gio about his groin."

I missed that. No word on what she found, or where they both are right now? I wonder if the team plane has a honeymoon suite.

Sorry it's a repost, but I liked it that much.

In unrelated news, as of right now, the Yankee pitchers at Phen Weigh next week for the games I'll be at with my buddies are German and Tanaka. It must be my reward for helping the old lady cross the street.

HoraceClarke66 said...

ALL-CAPS must be humming.

Syndegaard, in a must-win situation...pitched the worst game in his major-league career. Plus the team fielded abominably and let 11 guys on base.

Afterwards, the Mets were talking about how they didn't quit, and closed a 10-1 gap to 10-7. This team still acts like they are in rebuilding mode.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Also...Mets attendance was 33,987.

Everything on the line, and they could't turn out 34,000 fans. Wow.

HoraceClarke66 said...

So, Yanks ended up, almost miraculously, winning that road trip, 5-4, after dropping the first 3 games. Save for the Rip-off in the Ravine, they might have won all six after the Oakland series.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm headed out to the airport to greet the team on their return—a terrific old tradition, long gone.

Yanks now have 70 HRs in August. They have closed to within 7 of Minnesota.

Amazing.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Hoss, four words:


Airport security has weapons.

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