Tonight the Boston Red Sox were eliminated from any possibility of winning the American League East Division title even if they should win the remaining 18 games on their schedule.
The Sox were defeated, 5-0, at home, as 35,000 of the Fenway Faithful sobbed quietly and choked down beer throughout their fabled ballpark. The Yankees, meanwhile, used several youngsters recruited from Bronx sandlots to run through the despairing Red Sox lineup like a hot knife through butter.
Boston had already announced the firing of it general manager in the wake of this disgrace, but tonight the Sox also announced that they were firing their assistant general manager, manager, travel manager, promotional director, head groundskeeper, scoreboard operator, and exaggerated Boston accent monitor.
After the game, the team's 21 pitchers, known as ronin, committed seppuku on the field, in ritual atonement for the team's poor season. As they plunged the blades into their bowels, they shouted out the names of revered, New England sports heroes, such as "Brady," "Havilcek," and "Bobby Orr!"
One of them shouted out the name of a Boston sports star of color—"Russell!"—and was immediately beheaded for his effrontery.
The surviving members of team promised to do better next year.
Monday, September 9, 2019
News Item: Red Sox Eliminated
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9 comments:
Hoss, I bow down to you.
I dunno about 35,000 Fenway Faithful. Maybe 10,000 with 10,000 Yankee fans in a sparse crowd.
Ketchup fans are more concerned about most pressing issue in the state legislature.
No, not the crumbling public transit system, where your life is in danger riding in the car *without* the wandering hordes. No, not the sky high taxes.
No, whether to add "X" to the M and F boxes on the drivers licenses.
Did they Boston hierarchy really send the on field manager, Alex Cora, to give the press conference on the firing of David Dombrowski? Who the fuck thought sending a field level employee to answer questions best directed at management was a good idea? What is wrong with them?
Fuck you Hal, you complicit turdlet.
John Henry, the walking advertisement of the dangers of too much plastic surgery, was on his yacht and unavailable for comment.
So he sends out Cora? That's bulllshit.
Winnie,
That *is* the Pumpsie Green organization. They have no class whatsoever.
Yeah, the whole "X" thing is really depressing. The world is literally burning up, and this bunch of moaxes is making up pronouns for themselves.
I have a friend whose daughter—just out of college—has insisted on being referred to in the plural: "THEY are coming home today." She calls herself, "WE."
I keep wanting to ask her, "Are you royalty or just schizophrenic?"
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