Secondly... the First Rule of Juju thusly states: If you have a positive thought about your team, keep it the hell to yourself. Never - EVER - blather aloud something hopeful about your team. Nothing good can come from it.
That said, this weekend represents our greatest opportunity yet to reset the Yankee-Redsock rivalry and restore order to the universe, which has been corrupted since the nightmare of 2004.
That terrible October, the burst of Redsockian entropy overwhelmed the Curse of the Bambino, which had protected humankind for nearly 100 years. It led to the invasion of Iraq, the economic meltdown, Justin Beiber, and the rise of disunity, which pushed the world to the brink of madness. It has left us searching in the darkness for one joyous light, one illuminating voice, one perfect human form around which to rally. That beacon of negativity - through his mastery of Rule No. 1 - was always right in front of us.
Yes, Alphonso... the snapper of chains, the lifter of legs, the goosher of cans, the breaker of winds, who never - EVER - speaks a hopeful word about the Yankees. I salute him - and each of you - for a season of tireless depression and disillusionment, which has carried us to this incredible precipice.
This weekend, we can end the madness. We can effectively eliminate Boston from the 2019 Wild Card race, and crush once and for all their dreams for a dynasty. Unless they rise up, sweep us and win the next 10 - and it could happen, people, it could happen - but unless it does, they face a future as murky as Bill de Blasio's presidential bid.
I present to you a real chart of the salaries that Boston must pay in 2020.
They have David Price - currently hurt - for three more years at $32 million a shot. They have Nathan Eovaldi - usually hurt - for three more, at $17 million per. Then there is Chris Sale - perhaps really hurt - for five more at $32 million. That's $79 million for three pitchers who might together throw 100 innings. Add the Prince of Pawtucket, Rusney Castino, and the Kung Fu Panda, neither of whom will swing a bat for the mother ship, and that's $100 million going straight to the composter.Meanwhile, Mookie Betts will hit arbitration - he made $20 million this year - Xander Bogaerts is a free agent, and - oh, did I forget the $13 million going to Dustin Pedroia, our version of Iron Man Ellsbury?
Last winter, Boston went for broke, seeking to launch a dynasty. And don't get me wrong, juju gods: I'm not declaring anything over, no way. Rafael Devers is the real deal, and Andrew Benintendi always kills us. But come November, they will face harsh economic realities. In the past, they have used tear-downs to rebuild. Another might be coming.
So, tonight's the night. Win tonight, and Boston's fantasies of a resurgence will collapse like the pockets around Eli Manning. Take the weekend, and who knows... maybe this mad, mad, mad, mad world will start to heal. Dare we believe? All I know is this:
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I live in fear of Fenway, the crackerbox of stupid angles and ridiculous giant walls and sign-stealing operators of antediluvian scoreboards that has long posed as a major league ballpark.
And then there are the racist, moronic, violent, and classless people in the seats. And Sweet Fucking Caroline.
I don't like going in there during this time of year. Or anytime, really, but September...brrr.
Boston signed Bogaerts to an extension earlier this year...
JM,
I have my rain gear for this evening.
Sunday night, it should be much better weather. Look for the guy behind the Yankees dugout in second row with the blue and white Hawaiian shirt.
I'll be singing In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida with my buddies during the hideous seventh inning song. I'm expecting the crowd to be similar to Camden yards with a lot of pinstripes in attendance.
https://img.huffingtonpost.com/asset/58a4be5b25000024000b93e3.jpg?ops=scalefit_820_noupscale
Blue and white Hawaiian shirt sounds noticeable. I'll look for you.
Nice pic. Is that the Gordon's of Gloucester guy?
Indeed, it is.
...And that's two emo metrosexual's on either side. Just says St. Botolph's town all over it.
Let's just make sure if we fall behind by a run or two in the late innings we don't use any of our good relievers to keep it close, eh Boonie?
That's the Gorton's guy 10 years after retirement.
The Boston method of trading off their aging, fading, star players won't work this time. While Carl Crawford was the only chronically hurt player traded in that last purge, the three Red Sox pitchers mentioned will never be the same and are a spinning revolver barrel away from professional death by bullet to the head, so to speak.
With all that money committed for at least the next 3 years, there is no way they can address their bullpen deficiencies, sign their current star free agents and address their other needs. At least not without hitting the top tier of luxury tax as a repeating offender. And they will never do that. They should pray that JD Martinez opts out this December. In short, they are royally fucked for the next few years.
I think I understand the Red Sox Master Plan for this weekend. Between rain delays and their use of the 247 pitchers they are going to try to make the games last into November rendering the entire season moot and enabling them to remain World Champions.
Doug K.
It's GORTON'S of Gloucester, and boy did that town stink when the line was up and running. Picture an entire town of 25,000 people smelling like fish and batter. Especially at low tide.
But hey, you got used to it.
I'd like to join in all these rapturous prophecies...but weren't we saying something like this two years ago?
Then, boom, all of a sudden Rafael Devers was a star, they had J.D. Martinez, and they added a pitcher or two.
I think your analysis works on paper, Duque, but does it work on Juju paper? With a team that's willing to spend money and is run by wicked smaht guys?
I think it's just as likely that, next year, Cashner and Eovaldi will suddenly be stars in their rotation, Eddie Rodriguez will have bloomed, Jackie Rogers, Jr., will have miraculously regain his batting eye, Benitendi will be a superstar, and 3-4 of those 21 pitchers will be bullpen aces.
Again, until I have an MRI on the wooden stake in their shriveled New England hearts, I ain't counting these guys out.
After all, they come from H.P. Lovecraft/Stephen King/Cotton Mather witch-burning territory. Don't ever count them out.
What are you doing Duque?
You are violating the rule you created...
We are going to drop 4 straight in Boston!
Then, what are you going to say?
Gordon, Gorton, what's the difference? Still Massachusetts. Still New England. Still the antithesis of freewheeling, tolerant, more important New York.
Puritans set the template for their present and future. And the Puritans were assholes.
Just saying.
Racist, townie assholes
Fuck Boston.
Buck Foston
I agree about the Puritans—though there aren't many left. Now, Salem is littered with goth and New Age shops, not to mention a statue to Elizabeth Montgomery.
I want to go around screaming, "The whole point, assholes, is that they WEREN'T witches, just defenseless old men and women who their own community slaughtered because they didn't like them!"
But that's just me.
Sox Suck!
I forgot the joke Pesky pole. An abomination.
Cone ❤️ Man Boobs.
Says he's the only one who pushes back on analytics and gets guys to throw more of what really works for them.
And that he has a great record for his tenure with the team.
Hmmm.
I don't know why Cora changed pitchers, but I'm glad he did.
Don't Boegarts that joint.
I saw an obvious, but still odd feeling, phrase in a WSJ article on Tyler Scaggs death... it said “The cause of Skaggs’ death in a Texas hotel room has sent the baseball industry racing to understand not only the circumstances surrounding his overdose...”
The baseball industry. Wow.
All that matters is that the A's and Rays won their games so the Sox pick up no ground. Because I DO NOT want the Yankees to play them in the playoffs. There is too much potential for games like tonight's
Doug K.
Tyler who? I really don't know.
No offense tonight. Sanchez in the ninth trying to to hit a five run homer.
Many months ago, I, like other contributors to IIHIIFIIC, predicted how many games would be won in the regular season. I submitted the number 93. I fear I may be right.
FUCK THAT IDIOTIC STADIUM!
Why are they not resting German?
Why did we not hit 10 homers tonight?
Nobody here should be feeling complacent.,
Fuckola.
We do
Another sputter out. Just like the first game against Texas.
Go out is killing us. Tauchman has reverted to mean, and then some—something like 4 for his last 43, no homers, no ribbies. It's a team that's waiting, bored, tired, just wanting the season to be over.
The hitting going out like a slow candle...
WHAT A SHIT-SHOW ALL AROUND TONIGHT.
WE GET WHITE WASHED BY THE SOX, AND THOSE HATEABLE METS WIN TOO.
LOOKS LIKE WE ARE REVERTING BACK TO A TEAM THAT HITS SOLO HOMERS, BUT ONLY COLLECTS ABOUT 3 TO 6 HITS A GAME, WHILE GETTING ONLY 1 TO 3 RUNS.
BAD SIGN.
THIS TREND LOOKS TO GET WORSE AS STANTON AND HICKS INCH CLOSER TO PLAYING TIME.
VOIT SEEMS TO BE SWINGING AND MISSING A LOT. (NOT ENOUGH CONTACT).
ACTUALLY THIS WHOLE TEAM HAS SEEMINGLY GONE BACKWARDS AND IS STRIKING OUT LIKE CRAZY.
TONIGHT, BOSTON PARADED OUT NOBODY AFTER NOBODY, AND WE KEPT STRIKING OUT.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN WE FACE VERLANDER?
WE CAN'T TOUCH GUYS NAMED JHOULYS, HOW WILL WE SURVIVE AGAINST VERLANDER?
I JUST CAN'T SEE HOW WE CAN BEAT HOUSTON (UNLESS MAYBE, MAYBE...IF WE WIN HOME FIELD).
WE ARE TIED WITH HOUSTON AND THE DODGERS FOR HOME FIELD.
THIS CAN NOT SLIP AWAY.
BTW, DALLAS KEUCHEL IS 4 - 0 WITH A 0.87 ERA IN HIS LAST 5 STARTS.
FUCK ME.
FUCK HAL.
FUCK COOP.
FUCK IT ALL.
THERE.
I MANAGED TO CHEER ALL OF YOU UP.
That unprotested home-plate-umpire timeout in the LA game looms large.
I'd ask who got the MLB shush money, but I know better.
FYI:
FYH!
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