Thursday, May 15, 2014

Hey, Mr. Fan, are you feeling a twinge or a tweak? YOU need to meet Tommy John!

Hey, John or Joan Q. Public...

Do you feel a twitch in the elbow when reaching for that French fry? A numbness on the forearm when clicking channels? A sharp pain when flushing the toilet?

Sure, you can grit your teeth and fight through the pain, but at what long-term cost? It won't get better, and one of these days, you'll be working that wrist really, really, really hard - hoah, you'll be moaning and concentrating and - kaplooey - your elbow will explode like a Coke bottle full of Mentos.

It's time you join America's latest craze! No, I'm not talking about leaping from airborne bounce-houses. You need to get johnned by Tommy!

For $29.95, it's the Dr. Andrews' Home Tommy John surgery kit, guaranteed to make you feel like a real a major league pitcher. The Home Tommy Kit gives a quick MRI, finds suitable household strings or thread and instantly grafts it to your elbow with zipper access, so you can remove it later. You'll find quick relief from nagging elbow pain. Plus, within 12 months, you'll be soft-tossing off a flat surface!

No strings attached. No tendons attached. And now, for a limited time only, you get two surgeries for the price of one! Cut your spouse! Cut your kid! Mom and Dad will want one. Or, get both elbows done. Once they see how easy it is, everybody will want their own Tommy John.

But wait, there's more. On June 1, come to Yankee Stadium to honor baseball's most influential pitcher: Yankee great Tommy John. The first 500 fans over the age of 14 will receive free elbow reconstructions! It's the chance of a lifetime. America is falling in love with Tommy John.

And... if you order now, the Michael Pineda Pine Tar Home Pregnancy Test!

1 comment:

ceeja said...

Seriously -- why do we persist with the 19th Century notion of the starting pitcher?

Why not carry 13 pitchers on the roster. Pitchers 1-9 throw two to three innings every third game. Pitchers 10-13 are the relief staff: close out the game; or sub in if 1-9 just don't have it that day.

Pitchers 1-9 will be throwing no more than 150 innings. The average workload for the 13 is 112 innings.

I think LaRussa tried a variant of this tactic one year when he was light on starters. But why not do it out of choice as opposed to out of necessity.

Sure, that leaves you with just 12 position players. But you need 8 starters, 1 back up catcher, 1 back-up infielder, 1 back-up outfielder, and 1 utility guy you can play any position.

The Yankees will never do this because they are too afraid to have any new ideas. But some renegade team will do this and will prove it will work and it will become orthodoxy by the end of the 21st Century.