No Spider-Man logos on the bases, but last night, those delightful Yankee caps were an ad for the team's "partner," New Era

I've gotta get me one! Who needs the old cap? Those midnight blue monstrosities - just because Babe Ruth wore one, that doesn't mean we should. New always is better, right? And they're on sale.

Can't the Yankees do something with W.B. Mason? Maybe change the uniform, like on Jackie Robinson Day? Instead of every player wearing 42, they can all be "MASON." That would boost office paper sales - and Yankee cash flow!

Take heart, fans of John and Suzyn. They're not alone in constantly having to shill for whatever law firm has scored enough blood money to align itself with the spirit of Lou Gehrig, Thurman Munson and Yogi Berra. It's a franchise-wide policy. And it's a perfect loop, if you think about it.

In one breath, we're told to call Cellino and Barnes if we're in a car accident. A minute later, we're encouraged to call Geiko, which will be - at that moment - on the phone with Cellino and Barnes, trying to figure out how to screw you out of your claim. Your Yankee brand lawyers will sue your Yankee brand insurance company. They'll all get paid. Good grief, for every fender-bender in NYC, somehow, the Yankees must get a dollar in advertising. This, folks, is the big picture. Everybody wins!

Oh, and if both cars were Jeeps... make it two dollars to the Yankees!

It's a shame to think that, because of mere societal pressures, the Yankees cannot tie in with honest liquor and cigarette companies. Dammit, what the hell happened to capitalism? The Captain Morgan logo could replace that old, outmoded interlocking NY. New Era can market the hats, doubling the payout! A pack of Marlboro's can be sewn into the arm. Wait... Better idea: For one game, every Yankee batter should be smoking when he comes to bat. He can toss the butt in a special ash tray next to home plate. The ashtray will have the Spider-Man 2 logo. It will double as a hydrofracking well-head, with the Yankees bringing clean natural gas to New York during every game! (Along with clean coal!) Progress! We are truly in a new era.