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Saturday, May 17, 2014

Rain out theater: A plan to save Godzilla

It's been 16 years since the last Godzilla movie, made by Roland "Independence Day" Emmerich, which came with massive hype and roused a universal reaction:

Another Godzilla movie... Meh.

This weekend, Hollywood rolls out another blockbuster, having spent an Obamacare budget on CGI and added Bryan Cranston, with hair, so everybody can say:

Another Godzilla movie... Meh.

Folks, humankind is killing Godzilla. It is becoming the Kansas City Royals of movie franchises. It is time to step up and save this lizard from extinction. Here's how:

1. Quantity. Instead of one monstrous, big-budget 'Zilla movie per decade, Hollywood should pump out two cheapo flicks per year.

2. Silicone. Of course they should use the best FX possible, but deadlines are deadlines. In every movie, somebody must wear a rubber suit.

3. Fight Club. Godzilla must wrestle the usual card: Mothra, Rodan, Monster X, etc., but he must face new meat - plus crossover franchises, like Spider-Man and Harry Potter. Can he face the attack of the 50-foot Woman? Why the hell not? Yes, there are licensing issues. But get it done, people. This is Godzilla.

4. Stallone. Every movie should include a Travolta, a Pacino, or a Tom Cruise. They must always die, while saving Godzilla.

5. Brooklyn Decker. Every movie should introduce a hot supermodel, with multiple beach and tanning parlor scenes.

6. Louis C.K. Every movie should add a fresh comedian with new Godzilla bits.

7. Location, location, location. Godzilla must stomp new cities. He can also destroy the Pyramids, the polar caps, the Grand Canyon, the Vatican and - my personal hope - Fenway Park.

8. Good lizard, bad lizard. While terrorizing us, Godzilla should always be saving earth and teaching us a lesson, such as, "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."

9. King Kong. Godzilla needs a continuing bromance with King, sort of like Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed. After a beating, King should train him and get him back into shape.

10. The End... ? Each movie should end with the world announcing that Godzilla has been defeated... though we know otherwise.

Listen: Godzilla movies aren't supposed to compete with Transformers. They should compete with Sharknado. They should be funny, stupid, crazy, rolling off the assembly line, with kids always awaiting the next installment.

And when they arrive, there should be one universal human reaction.

It's another Godzilla movie. YAYYYYYYY!