Tex, Prado, and the current terror of Boston's lineup

1. Tex. Lately, Yankee bloggers have been thundering that Mark Teixeira - who's been AWOL since last August - "needs to turn it around!"

These people are idiots.

Frankly, it doesn't matter if Tex hits a parsnip. He's on first. Got it? Nothing will change that. We have nobody in the wings, nobody in the farm, nobody, nowhere, nada, not now, not next month, nope, nuthin, nobody. nowhere.

A-Rod can't play first. Nor can Dustin Ackley or Brian McCann. The closest true 1B in our system is Chris Parmelee at Scranton. He is 26, a scrap heap signing, and he's hitting .244. The other night he hit two HRs - his 4th and 5th of the season. Who cares? Not me. He won't play 1B for us. We have nobody.

Wait. I stand corrected! We do have 35-year-old, caterpillar-kneed Nick Swisher. Jolly Old St. Nick is hitting .252 at Scranton. When I saw Swish in Syracuse, grounders passed through him like gamma rays. Maybe he's gotten better. But he's not coming to take Tex's job. Nobody is. There's nobody at Trenton. There's nobody at Tampa. You must dive into the lightless murk of Charleston or Pulaski to find a 1B prospect worth following, and I have no names for you to remember. So, Tex it is.

When Greg Bird underwent surgery last winter, Tex became our only option. Competition? Replacement? Be serious.

Listen: I hope Tex starts hitting. I like Tex. (Seriously, who doesn't?) But let's be clear: Tex doesn't need to hit. It's not like he'll lose his job.

2. Martin Prado. For at least three innings per game, as required in their contract, the Kay-Coney-O'Neill Axis of Yankaganda praises Brian Cashman for the magnificent job he's done in cobbling together this great 2016 Yankee team. Of note is the trade two winters ago that netted us Nathan Eovaldi from Miami. And let's agree: Eovaldi has been a blessing. He's our second best starter, maybe our first.

But if you look at the NL hitting leaders lately, you'll get a bracing reality check about the price we paid.

Martin Prado is hitting .353 - third in the NL. He's among the leaders in hits. Prado, 32, plays 3B and 2B, and his numbers are no fluke: Last season, he hit .288 with 9 HRs. Had we not traded Prado, we wouldn't have Eovaldi - but then again, we probably wouldn't have Chase Headley for four years, either.

As it is, we dealt Prado and replaced him with Headley, who - if his hitting and throws to first don't improve - might soon be known as Chase Headcase. Then again, maybe he'll turn it around. (I'll say it: Headley "needs to turn it around!")  

Note: The other component in the Miami trade, David Phelps, has thrown 25 innings in relief for an ERA of 1.44. He's 29. (We also received Garrett Jones - R.I.P. - and a minor league rescue dog named Domingo German, whom I think underwent Tommy John surgery and might have changed his name. At a certain subatomic level, it's all too confusing.)

3. Boston's lineup. Have you looked at the AL Hitting Leaders lately? Don't. It's too scary.

Xander Bogartes is tied for first (.346), and Jackie Bradely Jr. is second (.342). I count seven Redsock hitters - seven - with batting averages higher than the Yankees' current team leader, Starlin Castro - who is hitting .276.

Mookie Betts is among the league leaders in runs. Travis Shaw is up there. All four are 26 or younger. Yes, I know Boston desperately needs pitching. But once David Price turns it around, and if Kelly or Porcello steps up... and if they keep hitting...  fuck me.

What's worse is that their farm system - thanks, in part, to the signing of Yoan Moncada - is stocked to the gills, far superior to ours. (Aaron Judge is treading water at Scranton.) They have breakout prospects at every level. They are literally running circles around us in player development.

Boston could be on the verge of an AL dynasty, and we are now in the 12th year of Cashman's rebuilding plan - you know, the one where everything is always finally turning the corner? The only thing the Yankees consistently produce is bullshit, and it's becoming tedious. I am becoming one of these grayscale zombie stone men in Game of Thrones, the ones who growl at everybody. Will we ever get a new Lord Commander of the Night Watch? The Yankees need to turn it around!