Friday, April 21, 2017

Bill O'Reilly should become the new Radio Voice of the Yankees

Imagine the moments...

On the Redsocks: “If I could, I would deport them. They are a disgusting, despicable, far-left, Elizabeth Warren-supporting team. Lawyers. NPR listeners. If you disagree with them, they brand you a Yankee fan. All the sudden, you’re the racist, you’re the jerk, you’re the guy who thinks Roger Clemens belongs in the Hall. But I do like that Dustin Pedroia. I always stand up for the little guy."

After gopher ball from Michael Pineda: "I tell you, he's throwing curves that belong in the No-Spin Zone!"

At the end of each inning: "You're listening to the Yankee Radio Network, driven by Manny's Gold-and-Silver-Rama in downtown Belmar."

On Tanaka: “On the mound is Masahooga Tana-whatshisname, and I’m all for Japanese guys, and I’ve said this repeatedly, though God forbid, if you speak to race in this country, they come after you with a lynch mob. But the Jap can really pitch, and nobody ever yells “Pearl Harbor.” My old man would say it, but, hey, that’s what growing up in Hell’s Kitchen does. What? I said something wrong? The hell with this, we're going live!”

On the Mets: “I don’t know why I even bother. They hate me. The NY Times wouldn’t even review my books. They were best-sellers. Do I care? Not in the slightest. I’m above that. What they did to Tom Seaver, they’d do to me. That’s OK, though. But I don’t forget. Wilpon? Alderson? It doesn’t matter. One of these days, they’ll get visits from the security people at Fox News.”

On the Twins: "I hate how they suck up to that little crazy left-wing nutjob Al Franken. Guy thinks he’s funny. Hates the United States of America. I feel sorry for him. I’d punch him out. Growing up in Levittown, that’s how you settled things. You get in close and use your hands. But hell, it’s Minnesota. The unions already killed that town.”

On the Nationals: “I love this team. I love this manager, Dusty Baker. He’s a black man, you know. Not that it matters. I went into the dugout one night with Al Sharpton. It was great. There wasn't one person, not one, who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more at bats!’ I mean, it was like going into an Italian-run team.”

On the Dodgers: “Normally, I don’t do Tinsel Town, because, frankly, all they want to do is rip our President. Ever hear a celebrity wish you ‘Merry Christmas?’ No way. If they put up a manger scene outside Dodger Stadium, they’d stick Meryl Streep in the crib. She's lost it. I’ve seen some of the most evil people in the history of the world, people who will stare into a camera with their hand on the Bible and they say things about you that are flat out lies, and they'll claim to have recordings. Well, I don’t make deals with those women. And it cost me."

Home run call for Chris Carter: “It's a blast from the far right! Oh, you've done it again, Hot Chocolate!”

On the Giants: You know what I say? I say, listen, citizens of San Francisco, if you want Barry Bonds in your little Hall of Fame, you're not going to get another nickel from me. It’s a free country, and the U.S. Constitution gives you the right to root for morons. But as far as I’m concerned, when the Brewers come through and blow you up, we're not going to do anything about it. Too bad.”

Response to Suzyn: “You're looking pretty good tonight. Want some advice? Ditch the pantsuits and wear something that doesn't scream 'radio.' Huh? What did you just say? Shut up. Shut up! Cut her mic!” 


Local Bargain Jerk said...

Really, really good.

John M said...

"Hey, Meredith Marakovits, lose some weight! You used to be a good-looking gal, and I mean that in any way you want to take it, but you turned into blimp! Get a grip and stop with the Italian sausages...but if you're interested in an Irish one, I wanna talk to you."

Alphonso said...

Really, really good.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely great, duque!! I am awarding Bill-O the (temporarily)-revived Today's Worst Person in the World!!(H/T to Keith Olbermann). LB (No J)

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