Thursday, October 17, 2019

TONIGHT... MAYDAY... TONIGHT... WE ARE DECLARING A GLOBAL EMERGENCY YANKEE JUJU INTERVENTION

URGENT - URGENT - URGENT YANKEE MESSAGE
National Juju Service Syracuse NY
709 AM EDT Thurs Oct 24 2019


CAZ179>189-281915-
/O.CON.KHNX.EH.W.0002.190728T2000Z-190729T0300Z/
/O.CON.KHNX.HT.Y.0005.190729T2000Z-190730T0300Z/
Including the counties of Bronx, Queens, Albany, Broome, Onondaga, Chenango,
the cities of New York, Boston, New York, Providence, Hartford,
Elmira, Yonkers, Massena, Salem, Worcester, Cambridge, Utica, Goshen,
Jersey City, Ashtabula OH, Bakersfield, CA, Washington DC, and Houston, TX.
409 AM EDT Thursday Oct 24 2019

...THE NATIONAL YANKEE JUJU SERVICE HAS DECLARED
A GLOBAL EMERGENCY JUJU INTERVENTION ADVISORY,
BEGINNING AT 8:31 EDT THIS EVENING AND LASTING 
UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE...

* OPPONENT BATTING AVERAGES of up to .450 are forecast for Thursday, 
with possible Yankee ERAs soaring above 9.00.

* THIS MAY BE ACCOMPANIED BY HEAVY WINDS AND RUN TOTALS
that break existing records. 



* IMPACTS...The runs and extreme immensity of these nine-inning beatings 
may cause stress, especially during extended exposure.

PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...

A GLOBAL EMERGENCY JUJU INTERVENTION requires all fans to take extra
precautions during prolonged Yankee exposure. When the game begins, fans
should avoid outside locations and/or reschedule strenuous activities 
to early morning, but plan to hover in front of their television, radio or 
juju porthole/ listening device for the next 72 to 250 hours. 



Wear body armor when possible and drink plenty of fluids, 
preferably including spiritual stimulants. 

Channel all existing bile into the television screen or radio wavelength 
indicator, and dispatch juju waves accordingly to the team on the field.



This event will begin in the BOTTOM OF THE FIRST INNING 
OF TONIGHT'S GAME, at approximately 8:31 p.m. EDT. 


At said moment, Yankee juju operatives across the nation will 
direct all personal and public juju waves toward the Yankees.



THIS IS NOT A TEST. THIS IS NOT AN OPTION. THIS IS NOT SOMETHING
TO TAKE LIGHTLY OR PRETEND YOU DID NOT SEE.

FOLLOWING THE LAST EMERGENCY JUJU INTERVENTION - JULY 28, 2019 - 
THE YANKEES WON 10 OUT OF THEIR NEXT 11 GAMES.  YOU CAN LOOK 
THIS UP. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. IN FACT, THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN
ANYTHING YOU HAVE EVER DONE IN YOUR SAD, MEASLY LIFE.



DO NOT BLOW IT.

THE GLOBAL JUJU INTERVENTION MAY INCLUDE VERBAL AND/OR NON-VERBAL TRANSMISSIONS, AND THEIR IMPACTS MAY BE DELAYED FOR SEVERAL MINUTES, AS THE RIZZUTONIC ENERGY FORCES COAGULATE
INTO A DIRECT IMPACT. WEAR LOOSE-FITTING UNDERWEAR.


To reduce risk during this juju event, the Occupational Safety and
Health Administration recommends scheduling frequent refreshment 
breaks. If a Yankee meltdown becomes imminent, call the Yankee 
Hotline - (911) and ask for "Food Stamps." 


A National Emergency Juju Intervention means that a potentially
season ending event is on the verge of happening. 
The combination of hot Houston pitchers and ice cold Yankee batters 
may combine to create a CATASTROPHIC DANGEROUS SITUATION 
in which Yankee fan disgust and disillusionment is likely. 

Repeat: Drink plenty of fluids, stay indoors, avoid
public exchanges with Houston (or Redsock) fans, and check on 
aging relatives, who may be unaware of the impending disaster.

Young children and pets should never be left unattended in 
front of a televised game. This is especially true during the top 
of each inning, when Astros scoring can reach lethal totals 
in a matter of minutes.

STAY ALERT. A GLOBAL EMERGENCY JUJU INTERVENTION means that
Yankee fans everywhere will be channeling their psyche toward 
New York City, in an attempt to avert a home field sweep and
regain control of the ALCS. Yes, this may appear to be pathetic and 
too late to do any good... but THIS IS NOT A TEST.

Stay tuned to this site for further instructions.

TONIGHT... TONIGHT... TONIGHT... 

33 comments:

13bit said...

I am ready.

Scottish Yankee fan said...

Ready here in Scotland

Parson Tom said...

Atlanta is locked and loaded. Serious shit.

Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

Rotterdam the Netherlands, also known as Holland where the Dutch live, reporting for duty.

Anonymous said...

Absolute genius, el duque!

Brett (A Texas Yankees fan!)

Pocono Steve said...

We'll be ready in the exurban woods of Pike County, PA.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm ready comrades, let's RUMBLE!!!!

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...


FWIW, at least one person in Fredericksburg VA -- a place still hung over from the Nationals' sweep of the ugly, baby-bear-killing, MF-ing Cardinals -- has already created an Altuve voodoo doll.

Started sticking pins into it, but that was time-consuming . . . just put a match to it.

Planned afternoon activity (after my nap, of course): Create 3 similar dolls for the Astros starters, and have them engage in a group grope.

ranger_lp said...

Starting to board up windows and stock up on strong liquid spirits. I would charge up my flashlights but I'm afraid that I'll throw them at my tv screen.

Anonymous said...

In honor of the late Rep. Elijah Cummings, the Yankees should designate tonight's game as a "Tribute to Baltimore," thereby summoning the juju that was used this year to dominate the Orioles, including the Aug. 12 takedown orchestrated by the upper-deck IIHIIFIIC contingent.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Heading into town to stock up on essential provisions. I shall return to my secure mountaintop lair in the Socialist Republic of Bernie to participate in this most important event. Here's hoping the power does not go out, since my only contact to the outside world (including the Master) in through the interwebs and I do not have a backup generator. In the event of a power loss, I shall sent JuJu waves directly through the ether.

JM said...

We are not in the city due to a family emergency. This location shift might help. I cannot say we'll even be able to watch the game, but again, this might be a change that has a positive effect.

Let us hope so.

Rufus T. Firefly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rufus T. Firefly said...

https://johnsterling.blogspot.com/2018/05/another-ruby-from-robbie.html?showComment=1571322087462#c5441703115223870845

Germany has checked in, albeit on the wrong thread, but with very helpful info. All we need now is Dr. OLU from Nigeria.

Anonymous said...

Nor Cal stands ready with liquids purchased.

Because we are environmentally conscious, liquids will be imbibed and then put to a secondary use by urinating on the fires.

Doug K.

Austria's Only Baseball Fan said...

I bought a bottle of 10-year-old Laphroaig today (hey - it was on sale: 25% off!) with which I shall celebrate tonight's victory (or in which to drown my sorrows... just in case). Austria is ready for WAHNSINNLICH AUSGEZEICHNETE JUJU!

Alphonso said...

I have a little appreciated role here.

Silently, and under the cover of darkness, I shall launch a negative JU-JU death star.

It is pretty much guaranteed to work, but the time dimension cannot be controlled. Sometimes it is good for only one batter. Sometimes a team.

Once launched, the duration of the outcome is unpredictable. Poor umpiring can overturn anything.

And in today's unpredictable environment......one wonders if anything still works as planned.

I have new bar stools and plenty of Crown Royal. I also have legal weed and "infused" blueberry jellies.

And yet, I do not consider myself ready.

But count me in.

Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

Servus Õsterreich

For a second bottle, may I recommend Ardbeg 10yrs. Just to take the whole peat experience some levels deeper.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Ready in the City. New York expects every man to do his duty.

Ceeja said...

I will use all my powers to summon the force in favor of my beloved Yankees - AND AGAINST THE CHEATING ASTROS. See piece posted on CBS sports line. Astros are relaying and probably obtaining pitch signs in an illegal manner.

I listened to the Rays' radio feed in game 5, played in Houston where the Astros cheat the most and have an unreal win record. Astros rocked the Rays' starter in a highly suspicious fashion, who the quickly straightened it out (but too late).

These self righteous redneck Texas fuckers are cheaters.

Feel the hate.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


I just learned I am going to Friday night's game. I will be in front of my television at the appointed time tonight and will put a massive topspin on the juju I project so that it carries forward to tomorrow night.

.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Good for you, LBJ!

HoraceClarke66 said...

Scotty: I don'a think it can take much more, Captain!

Rufus T. Firefly said...

I am the proud owner of three bottles (well almost three) of VSOP Courvoisier. The liquor stamp on each says 1967. Using my abacus, that means it was bottled sometime during the Nazi occupation, though the grapes may have been free when they were on the vine.

Two of the three bottles are still sealed. One is almost empty, at the expense of my friend Ted, who lived in France quite a while and developed the French taste for cognac (drink it whenever it's free). He drank as much as he could before his wife told him to stop being such an embarrassing mooch.

If the Yankees win tonight, I will finish the first bottle. Ted is not here, but I will think of him if I drink it.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

LBJ,

Whatever you do, don't ask for extra rat turds on your dog.

13bit said...

LBJ, if we lose, are you willing to take the whole stadium out with you? We can achieve anything through collective action.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Rufus, if they somehow win it all, we want to see a video of you chugging the entire second bottle.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Hoss,

I'll send a video of me OPENING the second bottle. Some things just need to be savored.

Here's a tease:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/amnkjiyy5wqp4z6/20191017_162901.jpg?dl=0

There's a wine cork in the opened bottle, because the 50 year old ones don't hold up so well.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Hoss,

My wife said to me "you're not going to waste that on those huckleberries are you?"

She thought I was actually going to share it. 35 years together and she thinks I would do something that stupid.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

My contribution will be to return to mid-season form. The television will be off, the radio on, and me in the garage. Didn’t hear too many loses this year that way.

My asshole co-workers built a Houston shrine in their cube. I gave Verlander a Hitler Mustache before leaving today.

I'm Bill White said...

I fell asleep in a 2019 Jetta and woke up in a 1978 Chrysler Córdoba. Radio static in my ears and the taste of metal in my mouth. I am so confused. Why channel is the game on?

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Bill White,

Be glad it wasn't an AMC Pacer. You never could have gotten out of the back seat.

And don't look in the trunk. I wouldn't do that if I were you...

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