Sunday, October 13, 2019

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?

Actually, we don't need Joe.

Scotland's favorite, Mike Ford, would do.

Now that we at least have a back-up outfielder in Hicks, we need to activate Ford—the man who can, famously, roll out of bed and get a walk or a base hit—and have him ready for when EE goes down with HIS next injury.

I would say we should activate The Red Menace, but that's no more likely than actually activating Joe D.

And I will, once again, use this space to pay homage to Alphonso, our Dauntless Leader, who saw what a gigantic, diabolical Jeter trap acquiring Giancarlo was.

Stanton will, of course, screw us up for another nine years yet to come.  But in this instance, the JuJu gods have dreamed up a way of screwing us even beyond our easy comprehension.

If good ol' GC had just stayed in the damned whirlpool bath with Ellsbury, we would have been forced to play The Red Menace or even acquire somebody.

Now...we will be stuck with El Lame-o's day-to-day shenanigans.

"How's the leg, Mike?"
"Well, a little better."
"Think you can play?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Maybe DH?"
"Hmm, I'm not sure about that.  And something else..."
"Yes?"
"I gotta say, my oblique has been hurting a little of late.  Didn't want to say anything."
"No, you're a real gamer.  Anything else?"
"Well, I notice that when I move my pinky finger back like this—"
Loud snapping sound.
"Oh, damn, I broke it!  But I can still play.  Maybe."
"Uh-huh."
"Gotta go now.  I have to drink my special health drink my cousin sent over, and then I have to put in my three hours in the weight room."
"Geeze, Mike, don't you think that's maybe a bit much?  Since you're injured and all?"
"Nah!  Gotta keep fit!  Gotta keep that six-pack sharp, get that exit velo UP!"













143 comments:

Publius said...

Fake news. He's not hurt. They just don't want to put him in there against Verlander (why would they?). And they don't want to encourage a media hootenany about sitting their $30 million man. So, fib about tweaked gonad and move on. Sound management.

HoraceClarke66 said...

I hope so. He supposedly got it while beating out that infield single. And THEN he hit the home run.

If he can hit a home run with it, he can play.

TheWinWarblist said...

First pitch coming up, not that that weasel Hal (Halsel?) cares.

JM said...

Maple not cutting it.

JM said...

Time to bring in CC.

JM said...

Pax is tipping or Houston is stealing signs.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

At least man-boobs isn't giving him a pep talk.

JM said...

Paxton will get 100 pitches in the fourth, if he lasts that far.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

I think Paxton is batter to batter now, so it doesn't matter.

HoraceClarke66 said...

My one remaining hope for this game is that the Yankees get a hit. Seriously. That's the best we can expect.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

I can only take solace in the fact I'm listening to the Master and not Joe not-jacks-sperm Buck and John Schmuckz.

JM said...

Ditto.

JM said...

Paxton has a haunted look that reminds me of Bird.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Paxton apparently got the word that his is now batter to batter.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

OH, shit. I hope he doesn't have bird flu.

JM said...

He can't throw a first pitch strike, John says. That not good.

13bit said...

1 to nothing, Houston, with Verlander on the mound. I'll see you all next year, folks.

Time to go bath my testicles in boiling oil, put on the hair shirt, and wail to the gods.

What did I do wrong this time? Why doesn't Kate Upton want to have an affair with me?

JM said...

Is that a symptom of bird flu?

See ya Maple. You sucked tonight.

JM said...

These Charmin commercials are gross.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

The sap wasn't running tonight.

13bit, Kate Upton would love to have an affair with you. There are two potential roadblocks though.

1. You have second degree burns on your testicles.

2. Your bank account is about one comma short of her minimum for an affair.

HoraceClarke66 said...

I usually approve of the quick hook in a playoff game.

But there's no way the Yanks are hitting Verlander with a fucking paddle tonight. So what's the point? Let him take a couple more innings for the pen.

And why Green? Isn't it CC time?

JM said...

Green throwing strikes. That's how you do it, Twiggy.

JM said...

We don't have to score against Me. Upton, we just have to wear him down and get to the bullpen.

It's one run, fer chrissakes.

JM said...

Mr. Upton.

Fucking phone.

13bit said...

Hoss - I agree completely. Your logic is unassailable. It also reeks of fear and desperation.

Rufus - maybe she liked scabby balls and guys who think pizza by the slice is haute cuisine. Even think that, huh????

Juju Gods - I know what you're up to. You can't hurt me anymore. I'm glad we came this far. Go get your jollies by torturing someone else.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Green's glare looked pretty good there.

JM said...

Rufus, some girls love burnt testicles. If you have enough moolah.

JM said...

Cardinal Dolan sounds creepy.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

13bit,

There's still that minor bank account thingy. Unless she's REALLY kinky about scabby balls.

13bit said...

Oh, she's pure. She cares naught for temporal things, like money. Kate wants real love and scabby balls. I know it. I know it.

JM - one run with Mr Upton = "the sky is falling" This is Sandy Koufax time. He's going to settle in and our big guys are going to start taking big swings and whiffing big air. That's the way the world works. I hope Duque is doing his thing. That's our only hope at this point.

TheWinWarblist said...

Second time through the order fellas. Pay the fuck attention to what you're doing. He's not Cy Young.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

I just thought of the south park episode where one of the fathers was into 'Brazilian fart porn'. I didn't see it (honest). When I went into the office the next day, my friend in IT said he googled 'Brazilian fart porn' and got over a million hits for new sites in the HOUR after the episode ran. Expect scabby testicle porn websites by tomorrow morning.

JM said...

Suzyn and John just talking about running up the pitch count and getting JV outta there.

JM said...

Judge!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JM said...

We can beat this guy. He's not God.

TheWinWarblist said...

All rise you magnificent bastards!! ALL RISE!!!

Rufus T. Firefly said...

John went into basso voice for that homer call. He is in PLAYOFF MODE baby!

JM said...

The crowd vewy, vewy quiet.

BernBabyBern said...

Yep, sure can. Now let's see what Gleyber can do.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Please tell me Jerk Fuck and Schmuckz are crying in the booth.

JM said...

John and Suzyn are reading us. After I wrote about wearing JV down, they talked about it. I say the crowd is quiet, they talked about it.

If they mention burned balls, that would clinch it.

BernBabyBern said...

If John and Suzyn mention burnt balls, the Internet would explode.

So if you ARE reading us, J&S ...

JM said...

Didi making him work hard. 78 pitches now. thanks

JM said...

Where did "thanks" come from? Forking phone.

ranger_lp said...

Great AB...

Local Bargain Jerk said...


Every time the camera goes in for a closeup of Maybin's face, between the sweat and the drippy eye-black, he looks like something from a zombie movie. I love that guy.

JM said...

81 pitches. They might let him go 110 or so, but they need him rested later this week.

JM said...

Greenie back in.

TheWinWarblist said...

Me too, LBJ, me too!

Rufus T. Firefly said...

13bit,

This is your chance! They're wearing down VerKlempt. He'll be too tired to service the concubine! This is your window of opportunity!

Send us pictures.

But not of scabby balls.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


Green just got that guy to swing at a pitch at face level. Why pull him?

JM said...

Binders, maybe.

26 pitches...

And Otto coughs one up.

JM said...

Fucking Boone.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Green is pissed off.

Local Bargain Jerk said...

Arrggggh. Green doesn't give that up. Not the way he was pitching tonight.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

What happened to Otto? He didn't used to be so horrid.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Suzyn agrees.

TheWinWarblist said...

Ottofuckingshitheadavenofuckface!??!!!!?!!!!!!

ranger_lp said...

This is terrible...

JM said...

Otto has sucked for at least a month.

Another crappy pitch.

Get him out of there already.

Publius said...

Otto the weak link. Been apparent for a while.

Platoni said...

Green was doing just fine

Local Bargain Jerk said...


Is it too late to invent a time machine, spin the dial back, and put Green back in?

Leinstery said...

Shades of Betances

JM said...

Kahnle next. That Green move was terrible, stupid, and might be fatal.

Publius said...

Asking for a lot of outs from Britton and Kanhle here.

JM said...

These yahoos wear astronaut helmets? On top of the hick towels?

Jesus H. Christmas.

Publius said...

Agreed JM. Burned both Green and Otto. Might see CC for important outs in this one.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


Kahnle comes in and does an excellent Green imitation. Boone will pull him for CC.

JM said...

Fox Yankee haters think Verlander is rejuvenated and refreshed. If it was one of our pitchers they'd be questioning his ability to pitch after such a long inning.

Assholes.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Please no CC tonight.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

JM, assholes would be a step up for those toads.

JM said...

Point

JM said...

Why did he try to score on that? Wtf?

JM said...

That was terrible. Dumb.

Platoni said...

Holy shit that was boneheaded

Local Bargain Jerk said...


JM your feed is a good one minute ahead of mine. I read your words and I just wented to turn off the set to avoid what was coming...

BernBabyBern said...

What the hell was that?

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Every time I think the Yanks are destined to win, someone gets thrown out at home.

JM said...

I'm listening to the radio.

BernBabyBern said...

Nettles flashback!

JM said...

Nice catch.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

It’s as almost beautiful though wasn’t it?

JM said...

Kahnle not fooling them. Those balls were tagged.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Gio needs one of those goofy helmets cuz he just reached into outer space!

BernBabyBern said...

Thinking the same thing JM ... Kahnle getting tagged.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

De-fense! de-fence! Astros almost hit that over dee fence...

JM said...

Whew. Lucky we got through that inning.

Beau, dee plane! Dee plane!

JM said...

Bye, Verlander.

BernBabyBern said...

Houston fans booing when a pitch a foot off the plate is called a ball. STFU.

JM said...

Yokels.

Didi just sucks since he came back.

JM said...

Fuck, Kahnle again.

One dumb decision, pulling Green, and the fallout could cost us the game. Unreal.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Didi has actually been pretty good the last few games. And he made VerKlempt throw a LOT of pitches his last at bat.

JM said...

True. But he hasn't been the old Didi.

Suzyn's Bitch said...

Kahnle steps up!!

JM said...

Thank God.

They bring in their closer with one out in the eighth because they don't trust anyone else. Gleyber has his work cut out for him.

This would be a great time to crush them.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Suzyn’s Bitch is hardly a reliable pseudonym. I mean, we all know you’re really Chase Headley.

13bit said...

Stanton is “day to day“ with a quad injury.

Could somebody figure out how much it cost per inning for his services this year?

TheWinWarblist said...

Hinch has got the tips. He just emptied his bullpen.

Suzyn's Bitch said...

Wade Boggs

13bit said...

Britton - Public execution at second base

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Roger Clemens

Rufus T. Firefly said...

13bit,

Drawing and quartering. But, if an example is needed, Otto is the most likely suspect right now.

Suzyn's Bitch said...

We've all either been there, or want to be...

JM said...

I'm lost. What?

Platoni said...

Man, so far Sanchez has been unwatchable

TheWinWarblist said...

Johnny Damon

TheWinWarblist said...

Yeah, JM, we're making even less sense than usual.

Anonymous said...

Gio swings at Ball 4, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY outside.

Larry said...

Can we win a tied game on the road?

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Not since Mariano retired, no.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

“He’s been around a long time that Joe Smith”. Is that Suzyns way of saying he’s past his prime?

TheWinWarblist said...

We will find out.

JM said...

Fucking Chapman.

TheWinWarblist said...

You see, walking the number 9 hitter makes me want to commit violent crime. It's a thing.

TheWinWarblist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Suzyn's Bitch said...

Whew!

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

He’s been around a long time that Aroldis Chapman.

TheWinWarblist said...

Oh looky looky, it's Hicks ...

JM said...

Fucking Boone puts in fucking Hicks for Maybin. Jesus Mary and JoJo the dog boy.

JM said...

That was fast.

BernBabyBern said...

Oh, man. CC.

JM said...

CC, and the gang's all here.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Sabbath is? Ugh I’m beat. Wake me up if the Yanks win or Cole falls off the planet.

BernBabyBern said...

I love CC, but this ain't 2009.

BernBabyBern said...

If it was 2009, he'd have faced more than one batter.

JM said...

Lasagna stinks. We'll lose here.

Suzyn's bitch said...

Can't find the strike zone

Suzyn's Bitch said...

Throw a strike, please

JM said...

Who's next? Which shitty pitcher comes in to give up the winning hit?

Suzyn's Bitch said...

Lasagna was an idiotic move

JM said...

Happ.

JM said...

This is killing me.

BernBabyBern said...

Swisher coming in to pitch soon ...

Suzyn's Bitch said...

Phew, again!

BernBabyBern said...

You know, someone should tell the home plate umps that Judge is kinda tall. Maybe they shouldn't call strikes on balls at his ankles.

JM said...

Eddie is not scoring on a single. Good thing we didn't keep Wade on the roster.

Suzyn's Bitch said...

The Sanchino is WAY due. Just sayin'...

JM said...

He's sure sucked so far.

BernBabyBern said...

2 things ... 1. How is the foul tip ball not reviewable? Sanchez missed it by a mile. 2. That third strike was an obvious makeup call.

BernBabyBern said...

One note. This is the first Yankee loss in a Paxton start since before the IIH gathering at the Stadium.

Yankees record in Paxton starts (including tonight):

Before IIH outing: 11-9
Since IIH outing: 10-1

The effects of that Juju Intervention lasted 2 months.

Austria's Only Baseball Fan said...

A-Rod just referred to the Yankees' "Eric Judge." Big Papi cannot speak any discernible language. I fucking hate these guys.

And Sánchez is now a LIAR!

AND FUCK YOU BOONE!

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