Virtual Baseball: Bengals Feast on Lasagna. German in Go Kart Kollision.

The Detroit Tigers crunched into some prime Johnny Loiasiga tonight, ripping apart the young Yankees hurler and several relievers, en route to an 11-4 win.

Only three hits and two ribbies from D.J. LeMahieu kept the rout from being even worse, and Clint Frazier did manage to play his first error-free game of the year—the rare bright notes for the Bombers this evening.

Meanwhile, the Yanks' many off-field concerns continued to grow.  MLB's High Druidical Priest, Rob Manfred, announced today that he would personally travel to New Mexico to interview Giancarlo Stanton, and decide how long his suspension should be.

"I mean, if there is going to be a suspension.  I guess I have to say that," Manfred smirked.

Meanwhile, in the Dominican Republic, major Yankee screw-up Domingo German managed to drive his TrailMaster Go Kart into another Go Kart, on an otherwise empty Dominican beach today.  No one was seriously injured, beyond the already defective head of one of the drivers.

Experts from the Elias Sports Bureau differed on whether or not German's crash tied him for most vehicular incidents by a pitcher on the non-active list with Michael Pineda, who had two, shattering Carl Pavano's old record, set in a spectacular smash-up in the wee small hours of the morning in West Palm Beach.

"Sure, why not?  Go Karts and dune buggies are indeed street legal vehicles, and crashing them could easily cause gross bodily injury and even death," responded Herb Elias.  "One more such incident, and I recognize him as the undisputed record-holder."

"The idea that by simply turning over one of these glorified bumper cars truly sickens me," disagreed Amy Elias.  "I mean, c'mon!  It's not the same thing at all.  Pavano ran a Porsche into the back of a garbage truck, with a model at his side.  That's an all-American fuck-up!

"Don Larsen, wrapping his car around a telephone pole and taking out a post box at 5:30 in the morning—that's major league!" Ms. Elias continued.  "We don't know what exactly he was driving, but I would bet anything it was an early Thunderbird.  That's how Gooney Bird liked to roll.

"Pineda getting nailed twice for DUI in a Nissan SUV, well, that's already a big step down for spectacular stupidity by a Yankee in a motor vehicle.  But this German thing?  What exactly is the difference between a Go Kart and a dune buggy in the first place?  Isn't one a subset of the other?  What's next, we're going to debate buggies and sand rails?"

Meanwhile, Yankees fans launched a class-action suit, saying that they would prefer for Domingo German to go away so they can think about Domingo Jean again.

"Sure, he looked a little strange in his Yankees cap with that extreme flattop he had.  But I don't remember him ever hurting anybody or behaving like this," one plaintiff who wished to remain anonymous noted.