Virtual Baseball: Yanks Drown Kitties. Manfred Says Stanton Will Be Tested for Drugs, May Face Lifetime Ban.

In Virtual Baseball today, the New York Yankees of another reality thrashed the Detroit Tigers at home, 12-3.

While thousands of Yankees fans chanted, "Better Dead Than No Red!", beloved right fielder Clint Frazier hit two home runs and two doubles, finishing with 7 RBI—even if he did misplay three balls in the field.  Thairo Estrada and Gio Urshela also homered for the bombers, while D.J. LeMahieu did many good things.

Taking advantage of all this Detroit largesse was J.A. Happ, who threw a rare complete game in order to give the Yankees' bullpen a rest, and who might have had a shutout, save for the three unearned Bengal markers that were registered on those Frazier miscues.

The win moves the Yankees to 20-9 on the young season, although they remain three games behind the hot-enough-to-fry-an-egg-on Rays.

Meanwhile, Baseball Commissioner and Evil Wraith Rob Manfred insisted today that Giancarlo Stanton would have to be tested for performance-enhancing drugs, following the bizarre press conference he gave after being rescued from the desert.

Brushing aside pleas from Yankees GM Brian Cashman—still cloistered after an unsettling, lizard  misrecognition incident—that Stanton was dehydrated and hallucinating after his travail in the desert, and that any hallucinogenic plant life he ate there was merely to keep himself alive, Manfred replied:

"There really aren't any excuses for Yankees—period."