Virtual Baseball: Yanks Outslug Naps. Strange Disturbance at Border.

The Virtual Yankees managed to outslug Cleveland in its first visit to the Stadium this year, while strange doings at the border led to speculation that absent slugger Giancarlo Stanton destroyed the wall with Mexico.

The pitching-short Yanks started yet another pitcher of the future—perhaps—and Deivi Garcia was beaten like a drum, putting New York into an early, 8-2 hole.  But as usual, the Bombers were able to slug their way back on a cold, wet night in the Bronx, taking a 15-10 decision in the end.

Kyle Holder hit his first-ever home run in the majors, while Gio Urshela, Mike "Walkie" Tauchman, Luke Voit, and Kyle Higashioka added roundtrippers of their own.  It was the first double-Kyle home run day in Yankees history.

Yankees fans got to see for the first time the former Indians in their new uniforms, after Cleveland abruptly changed its name following a public outcry over "Indians" this past year.

Cleveland put the selection of a new name up to the fans—to a degree.  The first winner, "the Blues," referring to an old name of the AL Cleveland franchise, was vetoed by the club's Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame sponsor.

Another blast from the past from Cleveland's National League days—"the Spiders"—was defeated after a nearly rabid campaign against it by Cleveland Plain-Dealer publisher and arachniphobe, J. Jonah Jameson.

By default, then, the choice went to "the Napoleons," a nickname the club used to carry in honor of star second baseman, Napoleon Lajoie.  The term also used to indicate the very best, or nonpareil.

"I don't care man, it's fucking weird," said shortstop Francisco Lindor, who hit two home runs of his own tonight.

Nonetheless, the team wore its new road uniforms, complete with the small, bicorn details.  The home uniform will feature a silhouette of the famous French dictator.

"Napoleon conquered all of Europe.  We just want to conquer Ohio," said ancient Cleveland owner Larry Dolan, uncle of the notorious James Dolan.

"Suzyn, there's no predicting what major-league teams will do to milk even a few more dollars out of merchandise sales," tweeted voice of the Yankees John Sterling, from his hospital bed at Columbia-Prresbyterian, where he is to undergo a battery of tests.

Meanwhile, speculation revived about the whereabouts of missing slugger Giancarlo Stanton, after something or someone blasted an man-sized hole through the new border wall in New Mexico.

Local immigration officials expressed themselves as at a loss about what could have done such a thing, while the "Minutemen" patrolling the border seemed deeply shaken by the event, their bad facial hair turned a deep white overnight.

"It was El Diablo, that's for sure," said one Minuteman, referring to the strange, devilish figure that's haunted the border area in recent days, spooking the gun-happy vigilantes there.

The strange presence, wailing an unholy banshee cry, somehow burst right through the new wall—and then returned, frightening the fake soldiers all the more.  On closer inspection, though, the wall proved to be made entirely of papier-mache.

"I dunno.  There's SOMETHIN' out there," said one of the local blohards.