Virtual Baseball: Yanks Top O's Again, May Have Found 4th Starter. Stanton "F-----g Insane."

In virtual baseball today, the New York Yankees completed a four-game sweep of the Baltimore Orioles.  But they may have done something even more important:  finally discovered a No. 4 starter for their injury-plagued rotation, after failed auditions for the role by Jordan "Field Marshal" Montgomery, Unecessa Cessa, and Johnny Loaisiga.

Mike King, still recovering from a serious arm injury that sidelined him for most of the last two seasons, pitched six credible innings at today's getaway game at the Stadium, even though he left trailing, 3-2.  King struck out 10 and gave up only two earned runs, relying on an assortment of what he later called, "good, reliable junk."

The Yanks rallied when Mike Ford—who had been fined the day before by MLB for eating a hamburger in the dugout that was found to have come from an unsanctioned vendor—hit a three-run homer in the bottom of the eighth.

Ford drew another fine when he defiantly ran the bases munching on a buttered, roast corn-on-the-cob.

"Hey, I was hungry," he told reporters in the clubhouse, while enjoying his usual, postgame snack of Oysters Rockefeller.

Reliever Tommy Kahnle got the win, while Sweaty Palms Chapman pitched a scoreless ninth for the save.

Meanwhile, rehabbing slugger Giancarlo Stanton, now down from his usual playing weight of 245 to a svelte 220, continued to irritate his Yankees teammates by performing a number of unusual yoga exercises before the game.

"He's out there doing 'Deep-diving dog' or some such s--t," remarked a Yankee who requested anonymity, but whose name is Clint Frazier.  "It's f-----g insane!"

Meanwhile, New York general manager Brian Cashman, still recuperating from an unfortunate lizard-recognition accident, reportedly suffered a setback today.  Due to what was thought to be an infection, Cashman was said to have been plagued by hallucinations, repeatedly screaming, "Is that you, Ellsbury?  Get back—get back!"

The Yankees, now 9-4, are solidly in second place in the AL East, but still three games behind the 12-1 Tampa Bay Rays, whose red-hot start has helped them to break the 100 mark in attendance this season.