Wednesday, February 10, 2021

Yo, Adrian, we did it! Algorithm projects Yankees to win AL East with 81.1 percent chance

The 2021 PECOTA projections are out, and - BOY O BOY O BOY! - I've been struggling to hold back the excitement, I mean, wow, this is like a massively erect tower of numbers blasting straight up into the  - THINK OF WILLIE MAYS, DAMMIT, DUQUE, THINK OF WILLIE MAYS, CONCENTRATE ON WILLIE MAYS - firing its numerical charge into the ozone - YEEOWWWW, WOAHHHHHHH! 

(Five minutes later...)

Hello, everybody! Today, let's celebrate the Player Empirical Comparison and Optimization Test Algorithm, which tallies up everything - last year's standings, the year before that, players' neck sizes, Facebook friends, stool samples, the free market price of Viagra, the full Entirety of Creation - and projects the 2021 Yankees to win the AL East, with a 81.1 percent chance of coming true! We will finish with the second-best PECOTA in baseball, behind the Dodgers. Aaron Judge, Gerrit Cole, DJ LeMahieu and Luke Voit will have big PECOTA years, and everything will be PECOTA Perfect (considering the 81.1 percent success rate.) 

Congratulations, 2021 PECOTA Yankees!

It's been a great winter - aside from the deaths and all - and this magnificent victory belongs, first and foremost, to our illustrious owner, Mr. Steinbrenner, and his crack front office staff: the scouts, the secretaries, the janitor, their interns, and all the li'l people - you know who you are - who came together to win this PECOTA on behalf of the people of New York City! 

Of course, computer championship projections like these certainly belong to the fans. That's right, readers! Put down the mouse and give yourself a hand, New York! Start spreadin' the news! We're PECOTA-IN' today... 

Oh... and did I leave someone out? Damn straight. How about God! By golly, I almost stepped in it. Take a bow, Sir. From day one of this off-season, I gotta believe that God, THE ULTIMATE PECOTA, blessed this future projected 2021 champion... and today, it has all come together: 


The algorithm projects the Yankees to win 97.4 games. (The 0.4 victory will be over Baltimore; those wins count less.) Tampa will finish second, Toronto third, and Boston will come in a two games below .500. Sorry, Redsocks. Maybe next PECOTA!  Minnesota and Houston will win the other AL Divisions. Congrats to all in the hard-fought season simulation. 

The PECOTA Mets will win the NL East, too, but only by a certainty of 77.4 percent. Hah! Take that, Cohen!

Ahhhh. Now, it's time to relax and enjoy my PECOTA. My dear, you look quite fetching today. Can I give you a foot-rub? Calgon Bath Oil Beads, take us away... Ohhhhh, WILLIE!


TheWinWarblist said...

Fuck PECOTA, fuck.

Die Hal, die.

Anonymous said...

Well, if you build your team based on analytics, the least you can do is win the analytic division championship.

Congrats all around and let's hope they do better on the field than the New York Yankees 1965 Strat-O-Matic World Championship team.

Doug K.

I'm not going to be happy until we win the TERRACOTA

The End Result Comparison and Optimization Test Algorithm,

Anonymous said...

Ignore that last bit. I was trying to do something with terracotta but lost interest.

If anyone knows the word that fits the second R they are welcome to it. :)

Doug K.

Local Bargain Jerk said...

As if the virtual orgasm-inducing PECOTA news wasn't enough, now there's this!


HoraceClarke66 said...

I always love prognosticators that tell you their own chances of being wrong.

I will give you a 100 percent guarantee that the Yankees will NOT win the division or 97.4 games in 2021.

No pitching.