BREAKING NEWS! JuJu Coup Crushes "The New York Spring."

 

"The New York Spring," which looked, briefly, as though it might be the most successful sporting spring New York City had ever had, came crashing down in chaos this week. 

The Knicks and Rangers got off to an unprecedented, 13-2 start in the playoffs, a performance that brought them to the very threshold of...maybe making the conference finals. The Yankees and Mets also put together stunning win streaks, games that left fans dreaming of a Subway Series. 

But in a matter of days, all this has changed. 

The Mets' vaunted closer has come apart, dragging his team back down to hell with him, while owner Steve Cohen strives mightily to...put a casino in his team's parking lot.

Juju tanks now surrounded Madison Square Garden, where the plucky but undermanned Knicks face imminent destruction at the hands of the Indiana Pacers.  

Meanwhile, the Rangers are on the verge of the most ignominious collapse in the team's long and sorry history. 

R

The Blueshirts are ready to choke up a 3-0 series lead, something so infamous it has only happened previously to—

WE INTERRUPT THIS REPORT TO TAKE YOU TO GROVERS MILLS, NEW JERSEY, WHERE THE INTERCONTINENTAL RADIO NETWORK IS REPORTING THAT SINISTER, UNIDENTIFIED, POD-LIKE AIRSHIPS OF SOME KIND HAVE JUST LANDED, BURYING THEMSELVES DEEP IN THE SURROUNDING MUCK.

Wait—the ships seem to be raising up from where they crashed, somewhere in the swamps of Jersey....

Oh my God...could it be??? Yes, it's the juju from Mars! 

They're burning everything in sight with their death rays, jiving us that we were voodoo! 

I'm just getting some first reports on casualties. Has this been confirmed? Oh. Oh, this is terrible folks.

We are sorry to report that Mrs. Met has been barbecued to a crisp by these monsters!

Oh, the humanity!

Can nothing resist this all-out assault on our city and its sporting hopes? Thank God the Yankees, out in Minnesota, are still alive—at least if you don't count Giancarlo Stanton and Gleyber Torres.

But wait! We have to switch you back to the Bronx now, where we understand the coup is proceeding even there!

 

Yes, former state senator Luis Sepúlveda—voted Senator Paying the Most Meticulous Attention to His Facial Hair three terms in a row—has now been named Acting Commissar for Life by the juju invaders.

Commissar Sepúlveda has decreed the Boston Red Sox to be the official team of the Bronx, and has announced plans to erect a gigantic monument to David Ortiz (complete with bullet hole) outside of what is now to be known as Starr Insurance Stadium. 

(Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner greeted the news in a memo that read in its entirety, "Welcome, Ants!")

The horror. The horror. 

Keep watching the skies. Just keep watching the skies.

It's a cookbook!...