Feel the excitement: Yankees will open with last year's team, and a new 2B

Imagine the Hillary Clinton of lineups.

It took barely a month for the Yankees to weed their Opening Day team of excitement.

Aaron Judge and Jorge Mateo went early, predestined for the minors. Slade Heathcott played himself into oblivion. Gary Sanchez turned no heads. Ben Gamel, really? And yesterday, Rob Refsnyder completed the royal flush; he'll serve his third year in Scranton. (Let's excuse the guy in advance for being disillusioned and slumping, which will allow the Yankee brass to say, "See, we told you.") The big wheel turns.

The Yankees have made it easy for Comcast to survive the expulsion YES network games. If all you're offering is reruns from last year...

Of course, we do have Luis Severino, and the usual assortment of Nicks and Brandons, battling for that 11th bullpen slot, that one that comes with a bus ride to Scranton every time you throw two innings. In his first radio game this spring, John Sterling mentioned the downer for those young bullpen pitchers: They wanted desperately to pitch, but each outing meant they would be sent to Scranton for a fresh arm. What a meat grinder.

Anyway, our big Opening Day attraction will be Starlin Castro!, who the STEAMER website projects will lead the Yankees in hitting this year... at .269. Two sixty nine. The numbers wonks predict the Yankees will score fewer runs than last year, and here's a knee-slapper: The next highest batting average projection is/was - of course - Rob Refsnyder, at .267.

Our lineup is a bunch of .260 hitters, the usual suspects, just a year older. When healthy, they hit. When hurt or compromised - which is a 100 percent chance - we become a concrete rowboat.

Of course, in May we'll get Aroldis Chapman, and we can beat the drums about baseball's best closer bullpen. That will be something, I guess. We can always watch Netflix. Maybe Jeter will be Trump's running mate! Anyone excited about another year of Ivan Nova? Show of hands?

Next year they'll have him catching

On Easter, have the Seattlelites turned out Jesus?

Wither goest Adam Warren and John Ryan Murphy? (Answer: They're with Jake Cave)

Quick updates for that Easter basket, which you heartlessly filled with dyed, aborted chicken fetuses.

1. Thus far, Adam Warren has not pitched well for the Cubbies. He's thrown six innings, given up six earned runs - so let's see now, six divided by six, times nine, carry the naught - that's an ERA of 6.00! That's Sabathiaesque! He has struck out three, not walked anybody. Considering that Starlin Castro is the Yankees best hitter this spring, it's high time for the Gammonites of NY to pronounce the Yankees winners in the great trade.

John Ryan Murphy - the artist formerly known as JR Murphy - has been even worse. He is 2 for 25, no home runs, one RBI and six strikeouts. His batting average: .082. Considering that Aaron Hicks is tied for the Yankee lead in HRs (with Castro), it's time for the Yankiverse to celebrate having won yet another the trade! Open the Canyon of Heroes!

Jesus Montero: 9 for 38, batting .237 - no dingers. Unless somebody gets injured, he'll probably be waived next week from Jogginson Cano's new home town. It's a trade we won, long ago. (Say five hail Mary's and do not invoke the name Mark Melancon.)

And Jake Cave, the OF prospect we lost in the Rule 5 draft, is batting .244 with 10 strikeouts and one HR. The Reds are giving him a lot of opportunities, and supposedly, they are impressed with his hustle and grit, or maybe his grustle and hit. Two weeks ago, he looked like they'd be returning him to NY. Now, not so sure. He might turn out to be the one that got away.

Your Yankee Indian Point Power Report driven by Jeep for Celino & Barnes who eat Little Debbie Snack Cakes at the Hebrew Home, which is like a college campus

Another bad day for Refsnyder

Good day for Bryan Mitchell. Which will win the fifth starter spot... the pitcher or the contract?

In terms of "maintaining unpredictability," Trump has nothing on Ivan Nova

One of the most brilliant parts of the 2016 Make Armageddon Great Again campaign is how, whenever he's stumped on a foreign policy question, Donald Trump artfully pivots to his fallback: He must maintain a cobra-like unpredictability, so evildoers - chopping off heads this very minute - won't even suspect a thing when Fat Man II roars down from the sky.

Clearly, he's stole the concept from Ivan Nova.

Yesterday, Nova maintained his reputation in the Yankiverse as being predictably unpredictable. After several fine outings, he got hammered. Three home runs. He's Forest Gump's box of chocolates. He's pure random sequence. No Kaypro computer, no matter how advanced, can process all Nova's intangibles and figure out what he'll do next. He might throw a perfect game. He might rush for 200 yards. He could win an Oscar, invent a new disease, climb Fuji, date Donna Summers, even though she's dead. He might support Trump. Anything. He has maintained unpredictability. Our enemies surely fear him.

I sure do. I fear he's going to be counted on to pitch 150 innings, games I hereby volunteer to miss. In fact, here's my suggestion to Brian Cashman:

Wait until Nova pitches two solid outings in a row. (He will, as sure as you're reading this.) He could be Pitcher of the Week, or something. Whatever. Then... TRADE HIS MISERABLE BUTT FOR WHATEVER WE NEED. And if we don't need anything, trade him anyway. Thus, we'll avoid the hammerings.

The Yankees are 9 and 12 in spring games - seven off the pace, if you're tracking the hot Grapefruit League pennant race. (Toronto in first, Houston in second - sound ominous?) Aside from Luis Severino, all our NY ballyhooed prospects have had lousy springs. A few have been disasters. (Looking at you, Slade.) We haven't lost a critical player to injuries - which is really all that matters - but watching Nova and CC Sabathia "compete" for the fifth rotation slot has been cruel and unusual punishment. Of course, CC was always going to win it - there was never a real competition. Trouble in, neither deserves it.

In a slightly more successful Yankiverse - one where we sign an ace pitcher or three - I might enjoy Nova's unpredictability, as another wild element on a veteran team. But right now, he's just another reason not to watch, and the Yankees are starting to load up on them. At least Trump is entertaining. You never know what he'll say. I wish he was our fifth starter.

Uh-oh

Prediction

I know that Tanaka was just " fine tuning" his stuff the other day.  Working on a seventh pitch, perhaps.

But he is our opening day starter, right?  Is that selection based upon who gets paid the most?  Sorry...I digress.

Opening Day Prediction for the Yankees;

1.  Tanaka will give up six or seven runs early, then "settle" in, parting with one out in the 6th.

2.  He will pitch well the last 3 or so innings of his outing, and claim, " no arm problems,"  the next morning.

3.  Girardi will find something positive to say about his work, and have a reasonable explanation for the early "hammering."

4.  The Yankees will score two runs, one earned.

A minor, meaningless stumble on or way to the play-in, wild card game.  Half the teams in baseball will lose on opening day.

Remembering Early Wynn, and the danger of becoming an A-Rod nostalgia act

In 1962 - the year Willie McCovey's laser found Bobby Richardson's mitt - the great Early Wynn was finishing his majestic career with the Indians. On Sept. 8, Wynn won his 299th game, putting him one measly win away from immortality. But he was struggling. At age 42, he would go 7 and 15, with an ERA of 4.46 - awful for a starter back in those days. All he wanted was Number 300. Once there, he could retire.

You don't retire with 299 wins. You just don't.

In his first start, Wynn was shelled - 6 runs in 5 innings. Next start, 5 runs - wham. In his last start of the year, kaboom - hammered for 7. The season ended, Cleveland braced itself, and Early Wynn was coming back.

You just don't retire with 299.

He began 1963 as a starter. It didn't last. After a few outings, Wynn was sent to the bullpen, where he pitched sporadically. Finally, in his 20th appearance, the Fates smiled upon him, the planets aligned, and he won 300. (By the way, the Indians would finish fifth.)

I say this because - among bitter Yankee fans, like me - one reason for hope this season is Big Papi's farewell tour in Boston. If David Ortiz loses a millisecond on his swing, his production could fall off the table, as did that of Mo Vaughn, George Scott, Jason Giambi, and countless others of the aging hulk DH template. Once pitchers can get a fastball past you, it's over. The only question is how long it takes to realize - and then accept it.

Which brings us to A-Rod, who is - by the way - an aging hulk DH. If he were to race Big Papi to first, both would pull a hammy and miss six weeks. Last year, A-Rod hit 33 HR, though he collapsed at the end, and his batting average slid to .244 - the lowest since he was a punk prospect coming up in Seattle.

Two days ago, Alex announced plans to retire after the 2017 season. (These long term retirement announcements are getting out of hand. I would like to now announce my retirement in 2033, because the asteroid is going to finish us off anyway, right?) Yesterday, he equivocated. And everybody knew why: He had that Early Wynn gleam in his eyes.

A-Rod is 75 home runs away from Barry Bonds' all-time record. Considering how he is viewed by many in baseball, it's unlikely there will be a slew of Denny McClains, willing to serve up gopher balls to him. (Denny, of course, gave Mantle his 500th, an act of craven ego for which I will never forgive.) Could the 2017 Yankees devolve into the 1963 Indians, trotting out A-Rod every game, letting him swing from his heels, and just hoping he connects? Your DH is supposed to bat in the middle of the lineup. A .212 hitter there can kill a team.

Recently, we endured two emotional farewell tours. Both ended with wonderful tears and grand pageantry - and no post-season. The Yankees couldn't even get Mo and Jeter to the playoffs when the both remained productive players. What happens when the star is an easy out?

I say this because if you do the math, things get screwy.

If A-Rod hits 35 HRs this year, that means next year, he's 40 away. He could end 2017 within a handful of HRs... but what then? At some point, the Yankees will have to ask themselves: Do we want to win? Or do we want to Early Wynn?

Our two best hitters this spring have been the Keystone

Numbers Don't Lie

I spit out half my bloody mary this morning, when I glanced at the box score from yesterday's Yankee game embarrassment , and noted that Gary Sanchez, our highly touted, untouchable top-prospect catcher, is hitting 48 basis points this spring.

I'm not sure that is even better than zero.

Who scouted this guy?  Who works with him on his game?

He might as well come here and drink bloody marys with me all day.

How do the Yankees do this?  Judge sucks.  Sanchez is a joke.  Mason Williams is best as a drinker.  Heathcott can't hit slow pitch softball. Tyler Austin is a bartender.

We may not win any games at Scranton this year.  Who cares, by the way?

If the Yankees didn't sign free agents ( a highly mixed track record of success at this ) we would have no ballplayers at all.

And Cashman keeps his job?

I would rather see Trump as President than Cashman as GM of the Yankees.

More vodka please.

Trump's man in the booth: ESPN is bringing back Catsup Curt Schilling

Now and then, you have to smile at the thought of liberal Redsock fans having to like Curt Schilling. Today, they have my sympathies. Their long national nightmare is not over.

ESPN is giving him yet another chance.

Since leaving baseball, the guy has done nothing but remind people of the problems with putting millionaire jocks on pedestals and actually pretending that their bizarre view of the world has relevance. (For further study, see O'Neill, Paul and Damon, Johnny.)

In 2008, with his baseball career in a tailspin, Schilling toyed with the notion of running for U.S. Senate in Massachusetts - a naked exploitation of his sports popularity. He'd probably be in his second Republican term, but he thought he could still pitch. To top it off, he showed up in spring training so out of shape that Globe columnist Dan Shaungnessy labeled him "the Big Blowhard." They still exchange nasty tweets.

In 2010, the state of Rhode Island loaned Schilling $75 million to develop his video game company, which was going to employ more than 400 people. The Palinista arch conservative lowered himself to accept government money. Less than two years later, he defaulted.

He gets in Twitter wars, arguing for creationism, Last year, he was suspended from the Little League World Series after forwarding tweets that compared Muslims to Nazis. Most recently, he's kept his face in the news by saying Hillary Clinton should be "buried under a jail somewhere."

I dunno, is there a left-wing equivalent of this guy? I mean, in terms of post-baseball publicity, he's a five tool buffoon:

So, naturally, ESPN is bringing him back on Monday Night Baseball.

Of course, they are. Why wouldn't they? Political mud-wrestling brings ratings, right? Look at Trump. It's the golden rule of every TV pundit: It doesn't matter if you are right or wrong. What matters is that they tune in tomorrow. We're about to have a presidential election with a candidate who says we should torture people - bring back the rack and thumbscrew   and who equivocates when asked to condemn the KKK. Why would ESPN feel compelled to simply have an announcer talk about the game?

What's really weird here is that I should confess something: I had actually come to like Schilling's commentary. He seemed more likely to support the Yankees than others in the ESPN anti-Yankee stable. I think it's mental: His greatest achievement was in vanquishing the Yankees, so he's still unconsciously promoting them, because it adds to his legacy. But I don't see how anybody can separate the guy from his politics. I would say the same thing if some announcer was constantly touting Bernie Sanders. Why must we have that as a part of the show?

So Schilling gets another length of rope with which to hang himself, which he will. Remember, there's a reason that in the end he showed up overweight: He couldn't help himself to the extra creampuff, and he won't be able to shut up when Barack Obama throws out a ceremonial pitch.

Shame on ESPN. There's a thousand ex-ballplayers out there, fully capable of giving great commentary, and they chose this? What's obvious is that they don't have the guts to fire him.

Another reason to listen to The Master.

Staggeringly Stupid

As El Duque has eloquently laid out for us, A-Rod, with all of his grace and insight, has announced that after two more years, at age 44, he will retire from MLB.  And possibly from the Yankees, as well.

To all who learned to speak and read more than 500 words in the educational system of AMERICA, this is what we call, NOT NEWS.

It is news ( or would be ) if ALEX had declared,

 " I am just not ...at age 42...the player I used to be.  I am not providing any semblance of the value the Yankees saw ( blindly ) in me 8 years ago when I re-signed with them and, accordingly, I am going to retire now. I have made more money than anyone at the game of baseball.   I will never have to cook a meal, mow a lawn, wash a dish or make a bed.  I can't catch a baseball, throw a baseball, or run faster than a very old cow.  And my bat speed is tanking...even as I sit on the bench, work with 6 personal trainers, and spit out pumpkin seeds thinking about who gets me for sex tonight.  So, it is time now for me to saw farewell to the game.  An early retirement ( from contract terms ) will be my gift to the Yankees who gave up their future for me.  I will retire today and allow that team to re-build, rather than just stagger on with a bunch of non-productive, uninteresting, old goats."

Instead, A-Rod, thinking he was making a splash...a beau geste if you will.... , agreed ( at age 42 and barely able to run out a single to the gap) to stop playing for the Yankees at the end of 2017.  The end of his contract.  He yields neither one cent nor one day of his contract.

This means that, in Alex's distorted brain, he still believes ( as we sip our coffee this morning ) that the Yankees, and perhaps many of their rivals, would jump at the chance to sign him if he would only agree to keep playing.

Alex, no doubt, thinks this stunning announcement puts him in a class with Mariano and Derek. He wants to be loved and remembered as part of the great Yankees.   He thinks that the headlines and talk shows following this revelation will be, " talking Alex and what he has meant to the game," for the next 700 days or so.  In truth, he wants to give the Yankees time to fashion the pin-striped Net Jet as their parting gift to him on, Alex Rodriguez day in 2017.

I don't fault Alex for taking everything the stupid, brainless, visionless Yankees gave to him in a panic of horrid management and worse decision-making.  I do fault him for trying to make it sound noble.

All along, I was hoping Alex is not as stupid as he appears.

Alex Rodriguez, lame duck Yankee, is counting down the clock... just like Food Stamps Hal

Three springs ago, when Mariano Rivera announced his impending retirement, the Yankees vowed to send him out with a shiny new World Series ring. Somewhere along the way, though, their starting catcher became Chris Stewart, with their 1B Lyle Overbay, their 3B being Jason Nix, and the heart of their batting order became Vernon Wells and Travis Hafner. They finished third in the AL East, 12 games out, behind some team that remains only slightly less forgettable. Mariano received a tearful farewell, but not even a wild card shot.

Two years ago, it was Derek Jeter's turn. That season, our 2B was Brian Roberts, and Yangervis Solarte accrued the most games at 3B. That spring, facing the prospect of another bronze medal, management signed Jacoby Ellsbury, Brian McCann and Carlos Beltran - but it wasn't the massive outlay you might think. They let Robbie Cano walk to Seattle, and they dropped the huge contracts for Mariano and Andy Pettitte. Jeter's farewell came in Boston - the last place we wanted it to happen - though, truth be told, Fenway did him right. He didn't get a shot at the post-season.

Last year - oh why bother? We know what happened. The fact is, since 2014, the Yankees have refused to spend on the one commodity - an ace starting pitcher - that could make a difference. The price for a workhorse shot up, and the Yankees simply don't want to pay it. Last year, the absent image of Max Scherzer haunted us: Had we signed him, we probably would have won the AL East and from there - well - who knows?

In each of the last three years, we have been one starter away. We have a way of either sitting out auctions or finishing second.

So, now we sit in an owner-created purgatory, where Hal "Food Stamps" Steinbrenner pleads for patience because he cannot - O, how he'd love to, but he simply cannot! - afford to sign any high priced free agents until all these bloated Yankee contracts are gone. (If the Pentagon adopted that strategy, we wouldn't make any more bombs until we've used the ones we already have.) That means this years "farewell tour" belongs to Big Papi in Boston, with Mark Teixeira in a holding pattern: He'll say goodbye to the Yankees and next winter probably sign with a team that will pay him more.

That means around this time next year, we will heralding the finale for CC Sabathia - (if he can make it that far) - and now A-Rod, who announced yesterday what everybody in the Yankiverse already knew: He'll be done after 2017.

The news story was spun as though we'll be saying goodbye to a grand old Yankee. But I think most Yankee fans saw the other side of it: Even if he marries the first lady of Google, he's not going to retire early.

That makes 2017 an exciting prospect, eh? A-Rod and CC will be in their final incarnations. (Because he missed the year, he won't be chasing Barry Bonds for all-time HR total.) Beltran will be gone (though he says otherwise.) McCann will be - what - our 1B? Ellsbury - good god, will he play 50 games? Gardy? Headley? I guess his disastrous spring means we should throw in the towel on Slade Heathcott. How much can hope for from Greg Bird, considering that he won't play this year. Aaron Judge? Fingers crossed here, but he struck out a lot this spring. Jorge Mateo will probably see most of 2017 in Scranton. Yoan Moncada? Ooops, I forgot... SLOOOOLY I TURN...

Will the final days of A-Rod simply see the Yankees tapping their toes, waiting for him to leave?

Oh, well, who cares? By then he'll own Facebook - (let's hope it's not Yahoo) - and if he's lucky, his last game will be played in Boston, where the "rivalry" remains warm and cozy. Calling Bernie Williams: We're going to need your wistful guitar one more time.

Two more years. That's the Yankee motto for 2016: Only two more years.

Uh oh

It's all over but the shoveling... another Golden Snowball for Syracuse

Every year, some benighted, unsung weather wonk awards the Golden Snowball to the unlucky Upstate New York city that receives the most white stuff. (Syracusans have 50 words for snow, by the way.) Every year, Syracuse wins it. (Actually, Rochester won in 2011-12, breaking the 10-year 'Cuse dynasty.)

This year, winter never really came. We even had a green Christmas. At one point, it hit 78 degrees. You'd think this would be ripe for a big Binghamton upset. No chance.

Even in a season with our regulars hurt, when storms go on the DL, Syracuse still wins by nearly 20 inches. We are not a Golden Snowball Wild Card city. We win our Division, with the home field advantage.

We are baseball's wealthiest team, and we couldn't afford one free agent?

Today, Forbes published its annual rankings of MLB franchises, according to value. Once again, the Yankees top the list - at an estimated worth of $3.4 billion.

Keep in mind: This does not include the YES Network, which was valued higher than the Yankees, last time Forbes did the math. A few years ago, the Steinbrenner family sold the majority interest in YES to Rupert Murdoch. It still owns a chunk, along with New York's pro soccer team.

The Steinbrenners are billionaires... pretending to be millionaires, so we'll feel sorry for them.

Years ago, I rejoiced over lists like this, because it meant the team would sign more star players and always compete for pennants. Even if we didn't get every free agent, we could always afford the best scouts, coaches, managers, administrators, etc.

What we have assembled, though, is the world's foremost selection of sycophants.

Yankee management is a country club, from which no commodore - regardless of his record - can ever be expelled.

And the team couldn't afford one free agent, not one, because Food Stamps Steinbrenner wanted to squeeze a few more thin dimes from the fan base.

The Yankees this year look like a wild card contender. Add David Price, and they would be clear favorites in the AL East. Add Yoan Moncada, and their farm system would be ranked among the top in baseball.

The owner does not care. He must have been adopted.

Missed Chance?

RailRiders Seeking P.A. Announcer & On-Field Emcee

Will Hold Auditions Feb. 28 at PNC Field

Forget Trump, here is the next owner of the Yankees

He's smart, he's got money, he knows the game... man, does he ever know the game...

The "Ifs" are starting to become "what ifs?"

Heading into spring training, the groveling supplicants who sell Yankee tickets under the guise of broadcast and print journalism - you know who they are - outlined a series of "ifs" to soon be confronted by the 2016 Retrieval Empire. These were conditions that - if they come true - would secure a path for Food Stamps Steinbrenner's fiscally prudent Yankees to win the AL East.

For example,

If Ellsbury can just stay healthy...

If Sabathia can rebound...

If Boston continues to suck....

Well, a few of the "ifs" are becoming "ands" or "butts," and it's not even April 1. Of course, it's way too early to pronounce judgement on this team, or any individual "if." Last year, for three months, we looked like The Avengers, and then we turned into the Mystery Men. But two of the above "ifs" already look like "uh-ohs."

For starters, Ellsbury has a bum wrist. 

The above sentence contains two words that Yankee fans most fear reading in an injury report: Ellsbury and wrist. We watched Tex miss a season due a wrist, we've seen prospects disappear due to wrists, and we've come to view Iron Man Ellsbury as having the durability of a soap bubble. If he's good - that is, when he's healthy - we can score 5 runs and win a game. If he's hurt or worse - when he's playing hurt - we are the team we have been in the last three years: That is, if we're down 3-0, forget it.

But hey - some "ifs" look good. Didi and Castro are shaping up, and Headley hasn't thrown any balls into the Gulf of Mexico yet. And no matter how bad CC looks, Luis Severino may make up for him. (And let's be clear: We won't spend all of 2016 - as we did last year - wrapping our hopes around CC's return to form. He'll get some early starts - he's earned that shot - but if he doesn't deliver, it's over. He will not drag us down.)

And here's a "what if:" The other day, Aaron Hicks homered. The line out of Tampa - true or not - is that Hicks is a better fielding CF than Ellsbury, especially in covering ground. That's critical, because with Beltran in RF, our CF basically must cover two positions. If Hicks can play, we can drop Ellsbury from the "ifs" and make him a "whatever." He and Gardner can play every other game, and maybe it's Hicks who is our everyday centerfielder.

If Hicks is for real...

Scientific Pie Chart Illustrating Topics of Conversation in 2016 Yankee Spring Training Camp

Have fun today, watching the Rays battle all the Cuban players we will never sign

Remember when international stars were always destined to play for the Yankees?

They knew of only one team - the Yankees. They wanted to play in only one city - New York. And the Yankee ownership valued only one thing - winning.

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAN MONNNNNNCADA!

SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWLY I TURNED...

The decisions that have already been made

Today, Jersey Pete Caldera ponders the raging "decisions" yet to be made in Camp Tampa before the Retrieval Empire heads north. And for a team that hasn't won a post-season game in three years, and which looks to chase the Wild Card bubble again this season, there are no competitive openings in the everyday lineup, and remarkably few on the 25-man. We talk about "competition" in the same way that Stephen Hawking talks about sex: The last decision happened long ago, and at this point, we're just trying to remember what it was like.

Does anybody really see a "competition" between CC Sabathia, Ivan Nova and Bryan Mitchell for that fifth starter slot? I don't. Mitchell is having a great spring, while the two vets have served batting practice, but he is as destined for Scranton as Gawker is for bankruptcy. No matter how bad he is, Sabathia will pitch until July 1, or the DL, whichever comes first. Don't get me wrong: I can't blame the Yankees for giving him a good long rope. I just don't buy the notion of competition here.

For backup catcher, did anybody really think the Yankees would keep the prospect, Gary Sanchez, from Day One, thus pushing up the date for his future arbitration? Hello-o-o? Have we been watching the Yankees under Food Stamps Steinbrenner? They'll save money with Sanchez "playing everyday" in Triple A. The only question is whether Austin Romine will beat out Carlos Corporan for backup catcher, and that's about as exciting as guessing zip codes.

There is a choice at utility infielder, but excuse me if we don't leave the theater early, because it's the same movie as last spring: Me and Earl and the Dying Girl. In this case, the dying girl is Rob Refsnyder, who is "battling" two good-field/no-hit veterans - Pete Kozma and Ronald Torreyes... that is, until the MLB waiver wire explodes next week with a fresh crop of table scraps. Someday, Refsnyder will have a fine career, but probably not with the Yankees. They always find a flaw, a reason, to send him to Scranton for "seasoning." And if, by chance, he does beat out the others, he'll always know that he's one botched ground ball from eternal banishment. The guy must have dated somebody's daughter. Does he use the wrong fork? Does he have bad breath?

Finally, there is the annual fishing derby for the final bullpen slot, a chase among people known only to ardent Yankee fans and lifelong Scrantonians. Somebody will win it - for a week. As soon as the bullpen gets overworked - that is, after Sabathia and Nova pitch - we'll be sending out for reinforcements the way Fox News does for fresh blondes.

For a team this middling, how do we always end up with a lineup so inert?

There used to be this rivalry...

When Big Papi makes his final plate appearance in Yankee Stadium, what needs to happen includes everybody standing.

The crowd should then turn its backs on the batter, lean forward and drop its collective pants.

A Bronx Moon.

Jesus at the crossroads

Jesus Montero isn't hitting, and the Mariners have no more options left on him.

In the next few days, the Yankees will likely be officially declared winners of the Great Pineda-Montero trade of 2011.

And where is Hector Noesi? 

Nova and CC are not worried... and the only people in the Yankiverse who feel that way

After a crummy outing yesterday - (4.1 innings, 4 runs) - Ivan Nova assured the Tampon Gammonites he's not worried - an Alfred E. Newmanesque view shared by Mr. CC Sabathia, following several even crummier outings.

Nobody's worried.

O, the vagaries of spring, Bobzyeruncle!

No problemos, muchacho, si? Sheriff Joe will think of something. Right now, he has CC and Nova "competing" to be 5th starter, with the loser becoming the swing man formerly known as Adam Warren. But why kid ourselves? The only way the Yankees drop CC from the rotation is if he's caught on a sex tape with Bubba the Love Sponge's wife. And they won't cut ties with Nova, because - in their view - he's on the verge of breaking out - at least, that's what they've figured for the last five years.

So yesterday, the people's 5th starter - Brian Mitchell - threw two more scoreless innings, lowering his spring ERA to 0.86 and easing Excalabur from the stone, before pushing it back into place. Mitchell is the one who should worry, because the Yankees are not paying him enough to use him. If they keep Nova as the sixth man, they'll want Mitchell to be stretched out as a starter, and the only way to do that will be buying him a ticket to Scranton.

The Yankee 2016 pitching staff was supposed to be our firewall, in case Boston or Baltimore dramatically improves. (They won't suck forever.) Pineda, Tanaka and Eovaldi are still young and strong, though none pitched more than 154 innings last year. And we may be putting too much pressure on Luis Severino, who is basically a second-year rookie. He threw just 62 MLB innings last year. How many would they have him do this year? I'm guessing 150, max. 

So that leaves us with the innings-eater, Sabathia. Last year, he threw 166 wretched innings, (4.73 ERA). No matter what happens this spring, come April 1, we're going to trot CC out there again - and again, and again. And when he goes down - of course, he'll go down - Nova will get the call. Last year, he threw 94 innings with an ERA over 5.00. 

But why worry? Neither can be much worse than last year. O, the vagaries of spring.

More and More Fun

Yesterday, on YES, I tuned in when the game was already over. 

 I don't recall the inning, but it was 3-2 Yanks and nothing changed.  No one got a hit, no bases were stolen, lots of guys ( both teams ) struck out, and treat of treats, I got to see Beltran's final at bat of the day, where he did nothing but look old and slow.

There were no pitchers of note when I tuned in, just the sorry parade of no names, fighting for that one spot in the 5th or 6th inning when the Yanks need to hold a blow-out from becoming embarrassing.

I saw Chason Shreve, for example, and somebody named Goody??

The kid who hit .300 for Scranton last year, and was a star in the Arizona league, was tucked into left field for the 9th. I saw him gather up a single to left and throw to second.  But I did not get to see him hit.

There was a shortstop not named Mateo or Didi playing.

The excitement exhausts me.

Note to Yankee fans;  The NCAA's are back.  Respite for another two weeks.

Jake Cave could be coming home

In December, when the Yankees lost 23-year-old CF Jake Cave in the Rule 5 draft to Cincinnati, it stung but didn't fester. We had a log-jam of young outfielders, even riding the bus to Scranton. But now, with Mason Williams still missing in action, and Slade Heathcott having a horror show of a spring, we are down to stems and seeds, and it would be nice to see Cave returning.

And it could happen.  

Cave is still hanging on with the Reds - batting .267 with a HR - but he's tailed off lately, he strikes out too much, he hasn't yet stolen a base, and unless the Reds are punting on 2016 - not an inconceivable strategy - it doesn't look like he'll last the entire year with the MLB team... in which case, he has to return to the Yankees.

Years ago, Ivan Nova was plucked by San Diego in the draft, but he couldn't throw strikes. What ever happened to that guy?

“I was, necessarily, the guinea pig — which I’m O.K. with. They were trying to protect me, and I blew out anyway. Innings, doing all these restrictions, that’s going to be a topic around baseball for as long as baseball goes.”

Joba Chamberlain, reflecting on the time - not long ago - when the Yankees always made the playoffs, always signed free agents, always spent the most... and even had the "Big Three."*

(* Not to be confused with the Killer B's.)

Let The Games Begin

I am a beneficiary of the " early release" program in Arizona, although I missed most of the spring training games while painting yellow stripes on two lane roads going nowhere.

Yesterday, with a cool cocktail at the ready, I did get to watch Yankees vs. Orioles.  You know, the game that got late, early.  I think the Birds had 11 and we got 2 in the second inning.

But here is the dirt:  I had a great deal of pent up interest when I turned on the set and the Yankees were coming to bat.  Then, I realized,  I was about to see was the heart of the Yankees 2016;

Brett Gardener
MCCann
Tex
And then ( if anyone got on) A-Rod.

Suddenly, I was bored and totally uninterested,  And those emotions proved true.  Gardy hit a medium liner to SS for a quick out; McCann hit a deep fly to nowhere; and Tex ( I was mostly asleep here )  grounded out to FB.  What a show!

Then, I got to see Refsnynder make the second of his two errors at third ( one was changed to a hit ….off his chest ), and another scorcher between him and the bag for a double down the line.  Truth is;  Greg Nettles would have made all those plays.  So, unless Refsnyder gets to be DH ( because A-Rod looks useless ), he is going down to Scranton, and soon.

Basically,  we are left with nothing of interest, or very little.

Severino
Hicks
The kid from the Cubs, playing second.
Didi?

And Austine Romaine ( I like the lettuce more than his name, so he will remain a vegetable to me ) looked like he has given up trying to hit major league pitching.  What a lame strike out.  Did he have a golf date?  A date, date?

So we have a season to look forward to that will display very little Yankee offense; average defense;  a shaky starting pitcher group;  world-beaters as closers  ( we'll need them how often in 11-2 games?) ; no set-up person upon whom we can rely ( I see a series of no names failing here ); and a team that generates no hope or excitement. Shall I saw it?  The baseball interest in NYC is the Mets.

Watching the Yankees will be like watching a bunch of bureaucrats arguing around a conference table about bicycle lanes.

Unless, that is,  we see so many injuries that some young person is forced to play.

Unless, that is, I am dead wrong.

Good chance of that, right?

Uh-oh.

Another CC start... another CC disaster.

Six hits and two walks, wrapped around an error by Rob Refsnyder - (playing 3B, by the way.)

Sabathia has now pitched three games, thrown 7.1 innings and given up six earned runs. He's walked four batters.

It's too early, right? Way too early. He's perfecting the slurve. He's throwing 60 percent, conserving his bullets, right? No time to panic. No time to worry. CC's not worried. Girardi is certainly not worried. You don't see Cashman worrying, do you? Why worry? It's March. Technically, it's not even spring, technically. Nobody's worried. It's way too early to start worrying. So count me firmly in the camp of NOT WORRIED.

Besides, we can always go to the replacement starter.

Searching for life in the Yankiverse: Refsnyder and Severino are doing it, Slade is not

First off, there is no Yankee god. Greg Bird's shoulder injury proved that we are fans on a large barren stone, hurtling through a dense and lifeless Yankiverse, searching for meaning within our own delusions.

I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Secondly, Rob Refsnyder is having another fine spring - last year, he hit .364 - but we all know that - because this is a godless solar system - it won't keep Refsnyder from another trip to Scranton. As sure as Goose Gossage is voting for Trump, the random sequences that rule the dark Yankiverse will conspire to send him to Triple A. He could rescue puppies from a burning pet store; it wouldn't matter.

Thirdly, Luis Severino remains on course to be the most important pitcher - if not player - on the 2016 team. I hate to heap pressure on a rookie - (is he still technically a rookie?) - but every hopeful 2016 projection revolves around Severino becoming a solid starter... even an ace.

Finally, Slade Heathcott remains missing in action, and it's time to call 9-1-1. On the spring, he's batting .048 with nine strikeouts in 21 at bats, and yesterday, to top it off, he missed the team bus and was scratched from the starting lineup. I don't know what happened. Heathcott did make it to the game. But he's definitely blowing his shot at the team - if he had one - and one of these days, the bus he'll be boarding will be to Scranton. I hope he doesn't give up, but from the cheap seats, he looks like a demoralized player with a bad track record when demoralized.

Here's the Yankee Indian Point Power Report, with not much to report.

Are the Yankees trying to ruin soccer by mismanaging their team?

Last week, the Yankees unveiled their best imitation of the ACME Co., as they sought to ensure that soccer never replaces baseball as the national pastime.

They enforced their new admission policy - the one that refuses to acknowledge home-printed tickets - on the New York Club Futbol team, which the Steinbrenners partly own. They did this without little advance publicity within the soccer community, thus creating long lines to get into the game at Yankee stadium.

Deadspin got the story. And it wasn't pretty.

Basically, the Yankees have declared war on against Stubhub, the online scalping giant. Last month, they announced they would no longer accept home-printed tickets, the staple of Stubhub's business model. Sunday was their first implementation of this plan, shocking the monkey (in this case, soccer fans.)

This Yankee policy will work until Stubhub figures out a new hack, which will force the Yankees to make a counter move. It's a chess game played by suits and heirs to suit-hood, by people who don't care about games or fans, because they know the sports are mere products. Thus, they use brinkmanship on every dispute. Consider the war between YES on Comcast, which could deny hundreds of thousands of fans TV coverage. It's one set of billionaire assholes against anothere. And of course, we fans always lose.

We are the ones stuck in disastrous lines, or unable to get a game on television, even though we pay outrageous cable fees.

Once upon a time, I rooted for the Yankees in business disputes. I naively believed that the more money the team brought in, the more it could invest in players, and the more it would win.

That view no longer applies. The Yankees are simply trying to grind out as much money as possible, and from whomever is foolish enough to desire their product. The profits? They can spend it on clam dip, or lawn ornaments, or politicians.

But last Sunday, tempers flared. Some fans were turned away. I wonder if they'll return. I wonder if we'll live to see a day of reckoning? It's been said that you reap what you sow. Who knows?

Drake LaRoche Will Never Play For The White Sox

If you want more proof that history doesn't repeat itself, but it often rhymes, Adam LaRoche just gave it to you.

LaRoche -- admittedly at the tail end of his career and incredibly overpaid for his recent production -- has retired from the White Sox because management told him to stop bringing his son, Drake, to all of the Sox's games. You can argue whether or not it's really appropriate that "bring your kid to work day" is every goddamn day (personally, I think it's more than a touch on the weird side, but I grew up in a much different time and my dad never made $13 million for hitting .207), but if anyone in the clubhouse minded, they're not going on record during the lovefest being held in Papa LaRoche's honor.

The first thing this situation brought to mind was its uncanny resemblance to The Griffey Thing back in the 1980s. When Billy Martin was his usual alcoholic prickness and told Ken Griffey Sr. to keep Junior out of the clubhouse and locker room. Junior said that during the years his dad was with the Yankees, he was never once allowed to step onto the field at the old Stadium, and never did until he was a pro with the Mariners.

Junior's hatred of the Yankees for snubbing his young self kept us from ever signing him. We were picking up free agents right and left, but Ken Griffey Jr. steadfastly told us more than once to stick it where Billy Martin's son don't shine. (I don't even know if he had a son, but it seemed to work well in the story and was a bad joke I just couldn't resist.)

The White Sox learned nothing from Martin's curmudgeonliness. They weren't even drunk or hungover when they told LaRoche to limit the number of progeny visits to a more typical level. And now, if Drake LaRoche turns out to be a great ballplayer, you can bet dollars to beer nuts that he will never, ever even remotely consider signing with Chicago.

Unfortunately for the White Sox, they ignored the lessons of history. Which we do all the time, benching or trading youngsters to sign old, broken-down former stars or even current stars who we'll overpay long into their twilight years as they clog up the lineup.

It's kind of strange that a sport that fetishizes the past is so good at ignoring the lessons of history. But then again, you can't predict baseball. And if anyone says you can, punch him, and Trump or Goose will pay your legal expenses.

The story of Jesus - Seattle Book II - is coming to an end

Making peace with the end of Jesus.

"No Manager Can Run On The Field Anymore And Kick Dirt On The Umpire. That Was Exciting. That Was Part Of The Game. ... Now You Sit There For Five Minutes And Wait For A Fucking Replay."

And if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato at our 2016 New York Yankees, knock the crap out of them. Goose will pay for the legal fees. I promise.

After talk with Papi, Yog-Rod - the new Berra? - needs to hire new writers

Last week, the Gray Lady - in need of creative spring filler - proclaimed Alex Rodriguez as the new Yogi, when it comes to saying smart dumb things, if you don't think about them.

So yesterday, when Alex met with Big Papi to end their two-year Cold War shitlistings, it was an opportunity for the new Yog-Rod to unleash some howlers. Sadly, he failed.

"I spoke to him today. He's in a good place."

"He's one of our legends going out."

"I think he's been an incredible ambassador for the game."

"I'm looking forward to him leaving the game at a height."

"He crushed us over the years."

That's Yogi? No, that's Derek Jeter. That's the art of blathering slop. If A-Rod is going to heal his reputation and become beloved - thinking Hall of Fame here - he needs to Yogi-ize all future statements. This is what he should have said.

"I spoke to him today, and he talked back, without any talk back."

"He's in a good place, and vice-versa."

"He's one of our legends going out, but he sure wasn't coming in."

"I think he's been an incredible foreign embassy guy for the game."

"I am looking forward to him leaving the game at a height, and at a weight too."

"He crushed us over the years, and we always never had a crush on him."

Yankees-Red Sox Rivalry Found Dead

A-Rod and Papi make up. Is this the last drop of bad blood in a rivalry that hasn't mattered in this decade?

SXSW continued: What would Trump say?

AUSTIN _ Shouldn't have smoked the peyote. Are you supposed to smoke peyote? I'm channeling Trump: That's my new motto, straight from 93 degrees in Austin:

I hereby propose new writing guidelines for everyone - including commentators - on this site.

We talk like Trump. We capture the spirit of America. No more pansy-wanzy, pussy-wussy, Yankalitically correct, troweled-out, pee-and-spittle, mouthlet mush. We talk like Trump.

I mean, believe me, these are desperate times! Right now, other teams - like Tampa or Canada  - they're chopping off heads. These animals, they're putting players in steel cages and drowning them. And we're thinking of honoring Big Papi at the end of the season? How stupid can our leaders be! They are utterly incompetent! Believe me, as a fan, I'm not beholden to any general managers, like the writers are. I'm self-funding this website. So I don't have to worry about them calling me up and withdrawing the money. And I'm not going to be politically correct, and say we should all sit around and cheer Big Papi and his thug fan disrupters.

I'm thinking of the way old George Steinbrenner used to handle bad dudes like Papi. He lined up Redsocks, coated baseballs with pork fat, and threw at their heads. He wasn't afraid to throw at their heads. Then, after he had knocked down 50 of them, he would single out one Redsock - a Wade Boggs or a Roger Clemens - and let them win a World Series as a Yankees, just so they could go back to Boston and tell everybody what he'd seen. And you know what? We never had trouble with Boston. AND THAT'S THE KIND OF OWNER WE NEED NOW.

Ninety degrees in the shade

AUSTIN _ Not kidding. Ninety. I'm the only guy in Texas wearing pants. Sweat puddle on my T-shirt, which I carefully selected for this event. It says: VADER WAS FRAMED. When people ask, I say, "Obscure cultural reference, you're too young to get it." They move on. For a half hour, we sat under a tree outside a bar called Javelino's and watched a guy with his head wrapped in a t-shirt try to pick up every woman entering in the place, and then tried to steal someone's backpack. Class act.

Met the band in a food truck court around 9 o'clock and then found a place to eat called Moonshines. Chicken fried steak. My head really hurts.

Music everywhere. No parking anywhere. Crowds in the street. The band drove in from Denton. They play this evening, then they might do a free, renegade 2 a.m. concert on a bridge later. They did it last year. Not sure if I'll be up that far.

David Price pitches against us tonight. Not sure which I'd prefer to see - (Clarification: What I'd like to see, I can't print, because it would go against the happy-talk tide of good sportsmanship.) - Price waist a good outing or get hammered. Need to channel Bill Murray from "Meatballs:" It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter.

OK, I'm going to live this festival with a new mantra: What

would Trump do?

Cover for me, boys. I'm heading to SXSW

I'm going to see the best rock'n'roll band in America: SHEER MAG (which today was named BEST NEW ALBUM on Pitchfork.) 

And last week made the New Yorker. And Rolliing Stone.

Not to mention this.

On this website, you know them as THE DEADLY SPINNERS, makers of the one and only WinWarble Song. 

(My reporting may be spotty. Cover me, folks.) 

Imagining the Yankees by the time Chapman arrives

On or about May 9, Aroldis Chapman will join the Yankees, having served his time for domestic and garage abuse. The team will be 30 games into 2016 - having already played one series each against the Blue Jays, Rays and Orioles, and home-and-away sets against the Redsocks. The season will be young, but we will have tasted the full buffet of the AL East.

Of course, the Yankees will use Chapman's suspension as hype: If the team has played poorly, Chapman will be coming, yea! If the team is doing well, just think how good things will be with Chapman! It's nice to have a rabbit in the hat.

But the trouble with middling teams is that everything looks fine... until it doesn't. By May 6, we will probably know a few things that right now look murky.

1. Is CC Sabathia even a fifth starter? Yesterday, management shrugged off his horror show against the mighty Phillies. Expectations have been lowered by the suggestion that CC is the last guy in the rotation - not the ace. He is this year's Chris Capuano, which means 5 innings and three-to-four runs, which means let's hope for an offensive surge. They suggest he can be the next Bartolo Colon, the old guy who gets by on guile. But there aren't many like Colon, and I'm not sure the Yankees would know one if they saw one: After all, they're the team that let Colon go four seasons ago. Had we kept him, Colon would have been our best pitcher over those four years. Who knew? Not us, that's for sure.

2. Is it time for Gary Sanchez? Odds are the Yankees in two weeks will send Sanchez to Scranton, no matter what he does - (and he hasn't done much this spring.) They want his MLB contract to start late, so they keep an extra year before arbitration. But by May 9, if they need a RH bat - or a youth infusion - Sanchez might be the guy. After all these years of bouncing around Scranton, can Austin Romine prove to be a solid backup catcher?

3. Is Chase Headley deadly? The Yankees yesterday made five errors - CC, Chapman, Aaron Hicks, prospect Derek Fowler and Starling Castro. But at least Headley didn't throw away any balls. Last year, they were sailing like Frisbies. He may be a middling hitter from now on, but if his throws continue to be erratic... Houston, we have a problem.

There are others: Brett Gardner's hand, most notably. But for the most part, April will be the usual slow start by some, fast start by others. And come May 9, we'll unveil our saver... hopefully not our savior.

Fingers crossed in saying it... but still no big spring injuries

Three years ago, in his first spring training at bat, Curtis Granderson broke his right forearm on a swing. He missed the next 10 weeks. He returned in late May and quickly broke his pinkie finger - gone for another five weeks. That year, the Grandyman played in 61 games and batted a painful .229. Worse, John Sterling sang the Grandyman home run theme a mere 7 times. Basically, our season was snake-bitten from the git-go.

Around this time last March, the fellow generally believed to be our fifth starter - Chris Capuano - strained a gonad while covering first base. As disasters went, this wasn't the Titanic - Capuano had his issues - but that was pretty much the end to his season. Throughout 2015, Cappy flat-out shat: 0-4 with an ERA of 7.97. He's gone now, and on a better day, I wouldn't even think of him.

But I do... because when the Oracle says you cannot predict baseball, he's sort of wrong. For example, we can say that, in a bad year, David Ortiz will still hit 20 home runs. But what we can't say is whether Ortiz will tweak a cheek and miss six months. You can't predict that Carlos Beltran will hit a wall, do a cartwheel, and slump for the rest of 2014, as he did.

What you can't predict are injuries.

Last February, the Yankee pitching ranks were decimated by several young prospects reporting arm issues. (Ian Clarkson, Jose Campos, Ty Hensley) This year, we lost Greg Bird to a shoulder operation - a cruel deal by fate - and we are still waiting for one big shoe to drop: Brett Gardner's bone bruise hasn't healed in three months... the most worrisome Tampa news of 2016.

Nevertheless, nobody's yet crashed into a wall - as Jose Pirela did last March. No front line starter has gone down... yet.

Could this be a side-benefit of the new, highly touted training hill - a mound built for Yankee strength and conditioning coach Matt Krause (now in his third year.) Or is this a veteran team that is verrrrrrrrrrrrrry slowly subjecting its elderly players to the stresses of game action? Is it a genuine good omen? Am I jinxing it, by mentioning it?

Let's be wise enough to enjoy a good thing while you have it.

Clearly, if someone goes down today, it's on me. I should have kept quiet. But we're hitting week four, and we haven't seen the ambulance... yet. The Redsocks are increasingly worried about Eduardo Rodriguez - one of their big starter hopes - who still isn't throwing off a mound. And their top pitching prospect - a first-round pick named Michael Kopek - broke his hand last week in a fight with a teammate. (You go, Redsocks! Trump, Trump, Trump!) Luck can be everything in a season, and the juju gods haven't yet shown us their dice.

Goody good

Goose says, "Nevermind," but he was the most interesting thing in the Yankee camp

The new line out of Tampa is that Goose Gossage got himself a talking-to, and he's now sorry for firing off a volley of f-bombs about uppity HR-hitting whippersnappers and squat-to-pee management types. Something came over him. Thus, the Gammonites can now focus their laser-like attention on the exciting 2016 Yankees.

That's a joke. Get it? "Exciting 2016 Yankees."

Listen: I don't know what's coming in 2016, but excitement? Nope. Thus far this spring, the Yankees have put more people to sleep than the Democratic debates. Almost all our key players are hovering near 40, each one a knee, a hip, a wrist, waiting to flare. We added nothing without yielding equal compensation - or in the case of Mr. Chapman - a potential chunk of our moral soul. This is the basically the same team that collapsed last fall. It's like the old Steven Wright joke: "I dreamed somebody replaced everything in my bedroom with an identical duplicate." This is like a school budget that's been voted down by the taxpayers, being put up for a second vote. I read write-ups from other spring camps, and I see teams with rising - maybe even outlandish - expectations. Our Hope Week will come in August. Until then, the Yankees have the Gray Goose.

OK, maybe I'm too harsh. Maybe Didi in 2016 will rise to All-Star level. Maybe Castro Starling will return to his glory Cub days. Maybe Chase Headley will... oh fuck that - he won't. When you look at the Yankees, everything hopeful comes with three ifs and two maybes. What does it say about expectations when one of the big questions of 2016 is how the Yankees should say farewell to David Ortiz?

Right now, our great Yankee hope rests with Luis Severino, the lone starter with a seemingly unlimited ceiling. We had another hope - Greg Bird - now lost for the season. I'm still not over it. And nobody has stepped up. Aaron Judge has struck out 7 times. Same with Slade Heathcott. Aaron Hicks now has 5 K's. Rob Refsnyder is ticketed for Scranton. Jorge Mateo is at least a year away. Gary Sanchez is looking for his first hit. His big moment, thus far, was drawing a walk. Tell me something hopeful. Please. Lie to me. I don't care.

So, for a day, we had Goose, straight from the Scooter Store, ripping them consarn young sluggers of today. None play for the Yankees.

Not looking hot for Heathcott

Still time to turn it around, but Slade Heathcott went 0-1 today with a strikeout - his seventh on the spring - and he made an error, his second.

Damn...

(FYI: Last spring training, he hit .333.)

Muslim Joke

A Muslim guy loses his wallet. A good Samaritan finds it and returns it.

The Muslim guy - enormously grateful - leans close and whispers, "Hey, you're a good guy, so I gotta warn you: This summer, whatever you do, don't go near Yankee Stadium."

"Dear God!" the Samaritan says, "what's going to happen?"

The Muslim guy says: "The fucking Yankees are gonna suck."

Localizing the Story 101

We will bury you.

Goose goes Trumpian: ""Bautista is a f---ing disgrace to the game,"

Amid yesterday's on field "meh" - (two games, no victory) - geriatric Trumpians of the Yankee fan base found a new cause to wave their fists at the Fox News lady, as Goose Gossage blamed Latinos for ruining baseball.

In a 10-minute f-word rant to ESPN, Gossage went full spittle on Jose Batista and Yoenis Cespedes for their bat-flipping, post-HR curtsies. He targeted them on the same day Bryce Harper - (the voice of his generation?) - praised HR dances as a sign of the times. It was MLB's version of a Twitter dust-up between Carly Fiorina and Lena Dunham.

Goose - (or maybe his meds were talking) - said this:

"The game is becoming a freaking joke because of the nerds who are running it. I'll tell you what has happened, these guys played Rotisserie baseball at Harvard or wherever the f--- they went and they thought they figured the f---ing game out. They don't know s---."

Listen: Gossage is a great ex-Yankee and a true gentleman. As a fellow geezer, I sort of agree when he whines about pimp dances and front office Waylan Smithers. But the sad truth is that Gossage just another old fart, hearkening back to a time that never existed. He might as well be visiting a Falwell theme park where people ride on dinosaurs. As long as baseball has been played, there have been young upstarts pissing off the elders. It might be Junior Griffey, wearing his cap backwards. It might be Bobby Murcer, unbuttoning the top of his jersey too soon. It might be Deion Sanders, not running out pop-ups. It doesn't matter. Old guys complaining about young guys is a baseball tradition as concrete as the clubhouse floor. Goose can yell about whatever gets his blood pressure back to 100/40 - but he's just another bag of wrinkles in a cowboy hat, looking for a scapegoat to the reasons why his erections aren't what they used to be.

Which is Donald Trump's America today, eh?

Lately, I'm wondering what the Yankees stand for, and if it's something I can stomach. Yes, I know... self-reflection combined with arrested development it's a dangerous mix. The Yankees are supposed to be a baseball team and nothing more. I absolutely refuse to think less of Paul O'Neill because his political beliefs are not mine. I absolutely refuse to dislike Goose Gossage, for whom I'd drive 100 miles just to shake his hand. But the slippery financial side of the Yankees - the tax breaks, the astronomical ticket prices, their broadcast fees for YES, and most of all, those sickening words last month by Lonn Trost about not wanting poor fans to ruin the elite experience - are piling up. Look, it's beyond my capabilities to root against the Yankees. They're like an eye-twitch. For every upper management asshole - (Goose got that part right) - there is a nervous 6'7" kid named Aaron Judge, who may or may not make it, but on whom our hopes rest.

One of the worst aspects of a U.S. Presidential election year is the way it polarizes every issue - from a Marvel superhero movie, to the Oscars, to a bat-flip by Jose Batista. But I can't help but notice that Gossage picked on Latinos, while the corn-fed poster child for pimping HRs got a pass. Maybe I'm just too zoned in on Trump crapola, which gets scarier every day. But if summer brings us pictures of Trump and Bill O'Riley preening behind the Yankee dugout like Katniss Everdeen after eating a Big Mac - I might find myself switching to the Mets game.

Oh, and Slade Heathcott got a hit yesterday. He's 1-13, but - hey - it's a start.

To Johnny Damon, Trump's War on Immigrants is About 'Paperwork'

Johnny knows walls.

Is Donald Trump a racist? Ask Johnny Damon, who yesterday announced his support for the moldy circus peanut:

"Everyone is calling him a racist. He just wants people to come into this country legally and fill out the proper paperwork."

Meanwhile, The Nation's Dave Zirin notes that working broadcaster Paul O'Neill's endorsement slaps Latino players in the face.

This year, current and former Yankees will make up a large and mockable cohort of political participants. I hope.

Why are they always "ex-Yankees?"