If You Didn't See Me....

Do you remember the guy with the blue shirt and glasses?  And the totally empty row behind him?  I was one up from that, and invisible on my taped version of the game.

Okay, you deserve the truth.

I tried like hell to send my photo and plea to the Oliver show, and I kept getting a message from my computer that the, "JPEG could not be sent. " 

I corralled a neighborhood teenager and he gave it a shot, noting in the end that my version of something or other was not up to snuff.  Apparently, I missed about 4 years worth of software upgrades.

He managed to send it on his iMac, but it arrived at Oliver's Show mailbox in time only to receive a pleasant note of thanks, and a comment that, "my outfit certainly was something to consider."  So I get to be offended without any hope of the reward. Nonetheless, the tickets were long-since dispersed, given the logistics now required by the Yankees for tickets.

I must say, I saw nothing in yesterday's Legend's section ( on TV ) that seemed to qualify, given The Oliver challenge.  And I had seen the ninja turtles.

Nathan gave us his usual outing of 5+ innings and a lot of runs.

The fact that we won the game is surprising.  We have scored more runs in our first series than we scored in the first month last year.

Can't wait to watch CC in the next series.

I will be drinking Canadian Club in shot glasses to honor his appearance.

One shot for every scoreless inning he pitches.

Anyone care to join me?

Yankee Player of the Year, thus far: Eduardo Navas

Navas yesterday - a 20-year-old catcher for the Charleston Riverdogs - had a walk-off steal of home.

A catcher... with a walk-off steal of home.

Repeating, for those of you who may be not processing this...

A catcher... with a walk-off steal of home.

SEE IT.

Ruh-roh: Tex says he can play five, six more years - creating a problem Yankee fans never used to have

In the shower stall yesterday, after beating Houston with a HR, Mark Teixeira stated what must be Food Stamps Steinbrenner's worst fear:

After this season ends, and his Yankee contract ends, he doesn't intend to move to Maryland, run for dog catcher and take up scrap-booking. He told the Gray Lady:

“I think you guys are putting way too much on a freak injury that happened last year,” Teixeira said. “They happen to players all over the place. I feel great. I feel like I’m going to play another five or six seasons.”

Five more years? Impossible. Well, actually, no. He's only 35 (the age Ellsbury will be when his Yankee contract ends.) Last year, Tex played in 111 games. We were a battleship with him, a barge without him. And any working Yankee fan can't help but picture that inevitable moment when Tex grabs a hammy or checks his swing, and - immediately - our 1B becomes Chris Parmelee, which is cadence code for Lyle Overbay. If Tex goes down, our replacement strategy is to shake our dicks at God over the injury to Greg Bird. (And we still don't even know if Bird is real or a Kevin Maas mirage. I ask you: Is that any way for the Fates to act?)

Back to Tex. Food Stamps has made it clear he's sitting on his fanny pack until the Holy Trinity of contracts - Sabathia, A-Rod and Tex - march into the void. Of the three, Tex is likely to have a baseball life after the Yankees. And he's first to go on Hal's shitlist. He is in his contract year, which Gammonites say - (disrespectfully, if you think about it) - means he'll do well.

So what if he does? What if he hits 30 HR, bats .254 and drives in 100? We're paying him $23 million per year. Would we bring him back? (He'll probably demand a three year deal.) Would we go another year older in 2017? Or do we let a popular, arguably great Yankee go elsewhere? What if this is Tex's year?

A concern Yankee fans never had until Hal inherited the team.

Scandal: The MLB.COM radio feed cut off The Master's WinWarble

It was maddening, sickening, horrifying.

Andrew Miller threw strike three. John Sterling shouted, "BALLGAME OVER!" And that was it.

Instantly, mlb.com switched to a Walgreen's ad.

Unfulfilled. Unsatisfied. Unconsummated.

Incomplete.

We. Remain. Unfulfilled.

John's Full Castro Call

Early reports cropped the first section of John's two-part home run call. Castro saved the day by hitting another so we could experience the full text:

Star light, star bright,
Starlin hit one with all his might! 

Starlin is darlin'!

John's call: "He is Darlin' Starlin!"

Our call...

"He is Sterling Starlin." 

To occupy your time between games

What? She couldn't get in?

I Finally Heard From John Oliver's Staff

All I did was send in my blog photo ( above), and some clown working for Oliver's staff thought it was, " a totally outrageous outfit that would horrify and offend the monied classes."  I kept my mouth shut when I heard him declare me a winner for today's game.

One ticket in the Legends Club section.

Problems;  It is currently about 28 degrees in NYC and pouring rain.  And the rules of this opportunity say I must wear, " exactly what is in my picture," or pay them back for the seat ( $2300 I think).  No wonder John was able to buy the seats.  Who, in their right mind, would go to outdoor baseball in NYC today?

So here is my choice;  an iota of tv fame and a free luxury, pleather seat amongst the nation's 1% at today's Yankee game ( 4:05 pm start....WTF?) and certain hypothermia, or trash this once in a lifetime opportunity, and live to complain another day?

There is no real choice to be made here, is there?

I figure my hat will ward off most of the rain for about 30 seconds.  The free drinks ( I don't know if they are included ) will get me through another hour or so.  Then, once my core temperature drops below 95 degrees, and I begin to lose muscle co-ordination and rational thinking ( actually, nothing new here ), I dial the Yankee version of 911 and hope for the best.

Anyway, if the game isn't called due to rain and overall misery, look for me behind home plate.  I'll be right next to some hedge fund guys, maybe even Mr. Trump.  The NY primary looms.

Go Yanks.  At least I don't have to watch Pineda pitch.

Time To Trade Judge

I know that most of the salivating is over.

Aaron Judge has shown the Yankees that he can't hit real pitching.  He is far too tall to be an outfielder.  There was only one Dave Winfield and, truth be told, I can name about 10 other outfielders from his era that I would have rather had on the Yankees.

But he still looks great coming off the bus and, thus far, appears to be sticking with  cucumber sandwiches, rather than fried chicken, at the Yankee ( minor league ) buffet table.  I'm sure there are teams out there who still see a great, high ceiling for this young man.  Anyone agree?  Anyone?

I say, before this dude proves beyond all measure to be a fraud ( as Jesus did ), we trade him out for some picks, some prospects, some live arms, or perhaps for a few seats in our own Legends Club. Throw in pretty much anyone from our minor league system and you might find a buyer.  I vote for Parmalee and Mason ( " no hit ") Williams.  One of them can even still be considered sort of young.

Seattle should probably be avoided.  After years of picking us clean, they finally got stuck with the ice cream sandwich guy and are now more gun shy with the Yankees.  But there is someone out there.   Some team that accumulates former high draft picks ( other than us ), and hopes for a miracle.

And the time is now, before he hits .085 in Scranton, and finds himself back on the bus to Trenton.  Another blockbuster.

Another top hitting prospect for a top pitching prospect.

Two bums locked in debate forever.

Maybe nobody won the Jesus-Pineda trade

Soon, it may be up to the good jurists of Buffalo to vote on who won the Great Jesus-Pineda Trade of 2012, which has come to carry the historical magnitude of Freedom Fries, WIN buttons and Dennis Hastert. If winter ever breaks in upstate New York, Jesus Montero will be resurrected with his newest team, the Pilates - I mean Bisons - of Buffalo, and frankly, if he hits a lick, he could still win this personal duel with Big Michael, the patron saint of pine tar.

I know what you're thinking: I'm being too hard on Michael Pineda, who notched the W last night - (Talk about an earned victory: We had to score 16!) But Pineda committed one of the worst cardinal sins known to pitching. We scored six in the first - cold night, game over, go to bed, right? - yet he personally invited Houston back into the game in the very next inning. Merle Haggard had a better day.

Maybe Alphonso is right. (You know, stopped clocks?) Maybe Pineda is one of those eternal prospects, always on the cusp, always within one pitch of escaping the jam - always throwing the gopher ball. Maybe when he's 32 and with his fourth team - (Jose Contreras, the Bronze Titan, comes to mind) - a light will come on, and he'll learn to pitch. It just won't be with us... as it wasn't Jesus in his sojourn through Seattle.

There is such a thing as Bigfoot, the Yeti and the delayed prospect, and nobody knows this more than Brian Cashman. His whole strategy during the Food Stamps Steinbrenner era has been to give ex-prospects another chance: Dustin Ackley, Aaron Hicks, Nathan Eovaldi, and Starlin Castro. I'm surprised we didn't take a flier on Jesus, though if you look, our new 1B in Scranton is Chris Parmelee - a faded former first rounder.

So today, we are suspending our projections in the Great Jesus-Pineda Deal. Nobody won. Sometime around 2025, the last prospect standing - by then, probably in Milwaukee or San Diego - will take the coveted prize: An order of Freedom Fries.

How a tradition is born

Top 10 highlights of the Yankee season thus far

1. Yankees release 2016 schedule!

2. Yankees open spring training!

3. Yankees unveil spring training hill for workouts!

4. Sabathia and Nova compete for fifth starter!

5. Yates beats out Pinder and Goody for final roster slot!

6. A-Rod unveils new girlfriend, says he'll retire after 2017, then takes it back!

7. Aaron Judge hits long home run off Tony Pena in batting practice!

8. Jacoby Ellsbury!

9. New foods revealed at Yankee Stadium!

10. Season begins with Opening Day!

BREAKING: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles make Top 10 All-Time Yankee fan list

TOP TEN ALL TIME YANKEE FANS

10. (Tie) Guy who shot Khadaffi, and kid who appeared at Kim Jong Il's funeral.

9. Couple that christened new Yankee Stadium with sex in bathroom. 

8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles who sat
behind home plate to protest Yankee ticket policy.

7. Justice-seekers who protested A-Rod's "trial" with signs
calling Randy Levine "the devil" and Bud Selig - well - read for yourself.

6. (Tie) Hillary Clinton and the original Bronx Bomber, Henry Kissinger.

5. Jeffrey Maier, whose catch saved the team.

4. Ali Ramirez, the original Bleacher Creature.

3. Nelson Mandela 

2. God (at least in "Bruce Almighty.")

And the All-Time Greatest Yankee Fan...

The guy or guys who put tacks on Ed Whitson's driveway.

Pineda Pitches Tonight

For those of you who believe the Yankees "won" the trade with Seattle, watch the game tonight.

Our gemstone is working on the hill.  Our number 2 starter.  Quite a credential.

If he gives up 5 runs in 5 innings, is that the same as Jesus eating 5 jelly doughnuts?

Aided by hash weather, the Yankees continue their war on fans

Yesterday, in a biting cold wind, unconnected Yankee fans had to hike across the Bronx to print out their StubHub tickets, because the franchise doesn't want them ruining the game experience for its high-roller clients, in their taxpayer-subsidized park.

The Yankees won't let fans print-out StubHub tickets at home, requiring them to get their tickets at an office several blocks from the stadium. Coupled with the distance from their parking garages, it meant some fans walked miles.

The Times got it: 

[George] Magnello was one of hundreds of Yankees fans who, having made online purchases from StubHub, were forced to walk seven-tenths of a mile south from Yankee Stadium to a StubHub outlet to pick up real tickets. No longer could they simply print their StubHub tickets at home on paper, with nothing more required to pass through the turnstile than the bar code on the printout.

This is why the HBO comedian John Oliver calls the Yankees "the biggest elitist assholes in all of sports," and why two fans dressed as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sat behind home plate yesterday. Oliver sent them to the game. (I would have dressed in money with a Hal Steinbrenner mask.)

The Yankees lost yesterday, but ownership won: It created a viable deterrent for every poor fan who turns to the secondary market, because he or she couldn't afford season tickets, or they don't have some corporate or family tie to the money machinery. If you were thinking of taking your grandfather to the game, factor in the extra two-mile walk... and then see if the Mets are playing.

The simple fact is this: For the wealthiest of the wealthy, games are more fun if nobody shows up. Shorter lines to the Hard Rock. Easier access to the steakhouse. It's a heightened experience, if the Yankees can only weed out the riffraff.

On the field, the Yankees yesterday also did their part. They offered fans a four-hour re-enactment of everything that was tiresome - if not depressing - about the 2015 team. They leaped out to a 2-0 lead, then went into hibernation, inning after inning, serving up slow-footed double-play grounders and - of course - their signature strikeouts. To top it off, they blew the game in the eighth with a disastrous fielding play, and then - (icing on the cake here) - they blamed everything on the umps.

I wonder if this will be the year it finally happens.

How bad was it? It was so bad that, in her clubhouse report, Suzyn Waldman actually felt compelled to remind fans that they'll play 161 more games

John Sterling Take-Aways From Today's Loss

1. Yankee fans should feel good about Tanaka's outing!

2. The Yankees showed a lot of patience in the batters' box. That should provide hope.

3. Starlin Castro fits right into that veteran Yankee lineup, seamlessly.

4. You say Houston scored "soft runs?" Well, they all count!

5. It's a shame when a game turns on a questionable call - especially because if players run outside the baseline, they could get hit by thrown balls - and injured!

6. It was a cold day, and the windy conditions had everyone a bit off their game.

7. The problem was the Yankees' inability to score more runs, after they leaped out to the 2-run lead.

Suzyn in the Clubhouse Report:

"They had a chance to win this game... They did this to themselves... The frustrating part of this game is they had the two-nothing lead, but they couldn't add onto it."  

Life In The Basement

The Basement.  A storage room.  What is the difference?  There are no windows, a bunch of old crap lying around.  No clear way out.

That's where the Yankees are today, after the  hullabaloo of opening day at the stadium.

We did get screwed.  Losers get screwed.  When umpires don't respect a team, don't see it as
a " quality team," the calls and the non-calls all seem to go the wrong way.

Houston got a run they shouldn't have gotten.  The inning described below, by Duque, is when it occurred. With a Houston runner on base and the score tied, Dellin fields a slow roller up the first base line.  The runner was on the infield grass from step one, and all the way to first.  Clearly, he impeded the play and ran out of the base path.  He was never on or in the base path.  The home plate umpire was apparently thinking about his nightly visit to Wendy's, and didn't bother to watch the play.  And it is his job.

The result was a blind toss by Dellin ( he couldn't see Tex or the base ) that went over Tex's head, and Houston scores.  Now we are down 3-2, despite over-whelming evidence that the runner should have been declared out, and the runner returned to where he started. The play is " non reviewable."

Then, Dillen hits an inside corner for strike three.  Inning over.  Only the home plate umpire doesn't call it a strike.  The video and David Cone both saw it cut the plate nicely.  The same, overpaid toad doesn't give it to him.  Likely because everyone had just been calling him blind.

 Then the can of worms opens, and we are suddenly down 5-3.  Dellin throws 30 pitches and is likely burned out for tomorrow.

The reality is the Yankees would never have won the game.  Castro and Didi were our offense.  Usually, we score two early and that is it.  In this case, Didi hits a late inning dinger with, of course, no one on base.  Best case, we go into extra innings tied 3-3.  We all know what happens in that circumstance.  So we lose either way.

Our scary hitters ( Jacoby, A-Rod, McCann, Tex etc. )  did nothing.

 Showing great loyalty to hitting approaches that have failed them season after season, they all hit into the shift and made out.  A-Rod's first at bat was to hit into a double play that took about 45 seconds to turn.

Undoubtedly, the first of many.

We are in last place on day one.  In the cellar.

"What an inning. What an awful inning for the Yankees."

Time to go with Comcast?

Bottom of the inning...

"YES, IN DIDI! DIDI MAKES YANKEE FANS UPROARIOUS!

Did John Oliver find the right Yankee fans to crash Opening Day?

John Oliver has declared a tactical war on the "biggest, elitist assholes in all of sports..." and today, he may have struck.

Secondary note: Fourth inning, Astros up, Springer's nubber to third prompts John's first 2016 revelation that you can't predict baseball.

OK, take two...

The gods place bets with loaded dice,
And all our earthly dreams betray,
But listen to one clown's advice,
Goodbye, cruel world; it’s opening day.

The politicians scrounge for power,
With consequences we shall pay.
But somewhere, it's our finest hour,
Goodbye, cruel world; it's opening day.

Our weary age is full of war,
The daily news brings dark dismay,
So surf the dreams worth living for,
Goodbye, cruel world; it’s opening day.

We haven't played yet, we're a game behind, and I'm thinking of what Shakespeare would say

To-ronto, and to-ronto, and to-ronto,
Creeps in its petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to Wild Card death. Out, out, brief Gardner!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage...

Toronto has started the way it finished 2015: Knocking people around. They're 2-0 against the deviled Rays, playing in the Tampa sauna dome. They still have a lineup that - starting at No. 2 - goes Donaldson, Bautista, Encarnacion and Tulowitzki, surrounded by ascending twentysomethings. They still have R.A. Dickey, who is capable of eating the innings of any stressed pitching staff, and conjuring a slump among Yankee hitters.

Look, they're not the UConn Lady Huskies, but let's be real: The key to our "resurgence" last June was the slovenly, knock-kneed quality of the AL East. We spent three months jockeying for first place in baseball's worst division. This season, we won't receive such a free ride.

Barring more snow - and Syracuse is under about four inches of it - the Yankees go three at home against Houston, then travel to Detroit for three games, and then to Toronto for another three, a week from today. Clearly, April games are just howdy-doos. But brace yourselves for a reality check. Toronto looks like a lineup of Tex, A-Rod, Beltran and Headley - but five years younger. We can close our eyes and imagine A-Rod hitting 35 HRs this year; who wouldn't be ecstatic with such a season? But it's hard to think of Encarnacion NOT hitting 35. And if Tulowitzki bounces back...

Tell me again about who we have at Trenton?

The Mouth of Sterling

Unbelievable.

A more boring future? Yankees place three in the top 175 players under or at age 25

While tapping their toes, waiting for the season to start, the geeks at Baseball Prospectus painstakingly ranked the top 175 ballplayers on or under age 25 - the dork equivalent of building a scale model of the Lusitania from dental floss. Imagine the intense argument over whether Dopey Dildox should beat out Filthy McNasty for No. 159. It was the Manhattan Project for dweebs. They actually calculated 15 separate tiers of talent, the last one surely based on stool samples and swimsuit competition.

The Yankees have three (3) players on the list, none in the top eight tiers. They are Luis Severino, #55; Aaron Judge, #57; and Jorge Mateo, #138.

Yankee bloggers have a tendency to get excited at the prospect of prospects, but as Scooby would say, "Ruh-roh."

Boston has ten (10) players on the list, including Mookie Betts (#9) and Xavier Bogartes (#11) and some guy named Moncada, at #26. That's the closest we came in the first 50: We once placed second in the bidding on Moncada, but Food Stamps Hal saved his dimes and - who knows - maybe Moncada will run into a wall or something, and Hal can say he told us so. (Food Stamps didn't flinch in getting Aroldis Chapman on a damaged merchandise price tag, thanks to a bit of domestic violence!) This is why I spent most of today hoping to see the name "Steinbrenner" pop up on the Panama Papers. Oh, well...

Severino has to pitch well this year, if the Yankees have any chance. And if we are going to be good for a stretch of years, Aaron Judge must become a star. Anything less, and - geez - where will our next core come from?

BUZZFEED for the Yankees

Are you Kirby Yates or Chasen Shreve? Take the quiz!

15 Reasons Why Jacoby Ellsbury is certifiably crazy - but adorable!

12 Epic questions that Brian Cashman is tired of answering!

Poll: Which infielder should have been on Gilmore Girls?

10 Ways to know Jessica Steinbrenner is having her period!

These life-affirming A-Rod quotes are sure to brighten your day!

21 things that are completely weird about Chase Headley’s face.

You won’t BELIEVE what CC Sabathia has in his locker!

In epic rant, Carlos Beltran absolutely OBLITERATES the Kardashians!

Can you guess whether these Brett Gardner anecdotes are real or fake?

Mark Teixeira said WHAT about cats?

If the Yankees were a Simpsons episode, who would be what character?

Snowed out

Hello again, cruel world, it's not opening day.

Tomorrow...

Do I Look Like A Legends Club Member, Or What?

An It Is High classic: 'Goodbye Cruel World, It's Opening Day'

The gods place bets with loaded dice,
And all our earthly dreams betray,
But listen to one clown's advice,
Goodbye, cruel world; it’s opening day.

The politicians scrounge for power,
With consequences we shall pay.
But somewhere, it's our finest hour,
Goodbye, cruel world; it's opening day.

Our weary age is full of war,
The daily news brings dark dismay,
So surf the dreams worth living for,
Goodbye, cruel world; it’s opening day.

-- el duque, 2008 --

"The biggest, elitist assholes in all of sports..." On Opening Eve, John Oliver undresses the Yankees for their ticket policy

The cavalcade of Bond villains from John Oliver's Last Week Tonight show on HBO now includes the chicken industry, congressional fundraisers, Donald Drumpf and the New York Yankees.

Last night, Oliver devoted nearly five minutes to the Retrieval Empire's new anti-Stubhub, anti-fan ticket policy, which is designed to suck off the 1 percenters who can afford "Legend" quality seats, and make sure they never have to sit next to the rest of us. As satire goes, this was a layup, resurrecting Lonn Trost's foot-biting radio comments from this winter, when the reanimated Yankee suit corpse talked about keeping middle-income fans from areas where they do not belong. It drew angry moans from Oliver's studio audience.

Oliver then announced that he will award two Legends quality behind-home-plate game seats - for 25 cents apiece - for fans to attend two Yankee games this year, on one condition: They dress to make their appearance on national TV worthwhile. There will obviously be a followup, and I can't wait. Oliver concluded by saying, "Enjoy the game, and please give A-Rod our best."

We've discussed the chance of 2016 bringing the long prophesied Yankee apocalypse - I'd call it a core meltdown, but we have no core - the collapse where we fall out of contention for even the Wild Card, (which merely requires a .500 record to stay viable.) I don't think it will happen this year, but the cliff just became starker, and the terrain grew rockier. If the Yankees get off to a horrible start, they will face a wave of criticism that will make this blog look like Suzyn's Clubhouse Report.

Enjoy Oliver's piece.



 https://youtu.be/6J9viOvUbOY

Wang the Royal, and Joba the Indian

Chien-Ming made the Royals opening day roster, and Joba survived the cut in Cleveland.

Good for them!

No news on Swish. Maybe Beltran will make some team next year.

Yanks Bank $12.95 as season opener approaches

This morning Hal ( " I'm not cheap" ) Steinbrenner and his alter ego ( also named Hal ) banked the cash from the sale of excess catcher Cocoran.  He was sold to some team in Florida for about the cost of a big mac breakfast and coffee.  No players.  No future picks.  No artwork.

That means, if my reasoning is correct, that Austine Romine made the team ( again?).  It is always a relief when a formerly highly-touted, Yankee catcher prospect actually makes the team.  Jesus, as we all know, never did.  Sanchez hasn't yet, due to his .048 spring training batting average.  John Ryan is gone, etc., etc.  I don't think any catchers remain in our highly rated minor league system.

CC ( on the rocks ) Sabathia, having been named our 5th starter ( how much do we usually pay 5th starters? ), must have celebrated last night somewhere.  Chocolate milk anyone?  Ding dongs?

Ivan Nova, now in his seventh season of despair, has no role and will likely soon be found in CC's old room up at Silver Hill. Were I he, I would drink heavily ( hee, hee ).

 What did Joe tell him?

" Don't worry Ivan, we expect to be down by 6 or more runs early, all the time.  And that's when we'll need you.  To hold things close until we catch up .  Think of yourself as the hispanic Adam Warren."

Apparently Chase Headley has the flu and could miss tomorrow's start in the icebox.  He is no fool.  If I read the paper correctly, tomorrow's Yankee opener begins at 8:30pm. My guess; 28 degrees with a wind-chill of about 14. The Astros have already cancelled today's workout ( snow ).  This will certainly be a test of that partial tear in Tanka's elbow.  Nothing like a brittle ligament.

When we wake up in the morning, we won't be in last place.  Something to celebrate.

If you hear something, say something: Announcing the 2016 John Sterling Spoken Poetry Project

A long, long time ago - we were practically in diapers, (as we soon will be again) - Mustang and conceived "O Holy Cow: The Selected Verse of Phil Rizzuto," a poetry collection captured from Yankee broadcasts. It's still out there. The book was simple: We wrote down Scooter's words, arranged them into verse form and - Voila! - Sylvia Plath without the oven! I believe the book captured Rizzuto's poetic soul: With a game going, he was at peace. With a game going, Phil was Phil.

In recent years, I've wondered if John Sterling could be the next Phil. I'm not sure. There are glaring differences. The Master is a professional announcer - not an ex-jock. John hasn't missed a Yankee game in his entire broadcasting career, and he never misses an in-game promo. What he does miss are calls - (see title of blog) - but miscues are not poetry. If you take what The Master says, write it down, and carefully arranged it into verse... will you have poetry?

I still don't know.

(Wait a minute: Let's be clear: In the eyes of actual poets, of course, it's NOT poetry. Trouble is, poets are the worst thing that ever happened to poetry. They have made us think that poetry can only be written by fat old drunkards, glaring feminists, and scrawny hipsters - all who share two things: The ego to be a self-proclaimed poet... and an academic grant. Their hatred for the poetry of Phil Rizzuto did - and always will - run hotter than a billion suns. Fuck them. Most are Redsock or Met fans, anyway.) 

I say: If it quacks like a poem, it's a fucking poem, asshole. This is a free country, right? The poem police haven't yet kicked in our door with their jack-booted sneakers. And 2016 is the year we should find once and for all if the poetry of John Sterling exists.

So that's my Official Project. Right now, the Yankees look too boring and lame to ponder 162 times, without a filter. (If they win, that would change.) Instead of studying the Yankees, we're going to try and study the poetic universe of John and Suzyn...  and we need your help.

During a game, if you hear John wander off topic, or say something crazy, or brilliant, or anything that tweaks your Sterling Sense... drop us a comment. Try to remember the game situation, or any game detail that helps us find it. "John went off on celebrity autobiographies, fifth inning, Pedroia up..." something like that. I'll find it. 

If you hear something, say something. 

I invite you to join us. Who knows? We might find poetry in an otherwise dead Yankiverse. The ownership hasn't put forth an interesting team. I say it's up to the fans... because as much as we are reviled, I believe Yankee fans have always been the greatest of all.  

So... let's salvage this season. Let's find The Poetry of The Master.

In their last two spring training games, the Yankees accumulate only 7 hits

Three yesterday. Four today.

Jacoby Ellsbury homered in our first at bat. Then... nothing.

Luis Severino gave up two runs in five innings - only one earned - and takes the loss.

Our biggest offensive eruption came in the ninth Friday, when Lane Adams - soon to be of Scranton - hit a two-run HR.

The other run on Friday was a solo homer by Brett Gardner; in the two games, we never manufactured a run. Just homers.

Three walks on Friday. One, today.

Of course, it doesn't matter... no, it certainly doesn't matter... soon, the games will count... one of these nights... one of these crazy old nights... we're gonna find out... pretty mama... what turns on your lights...  

"This is roughly like choosing among the 5 remaining morons to be the President...."

A comment this morning from Joe Formerly of Brooklyn:

One huge problem (in my opinion) is that -- whether they finish 1st or 5th -- the 2016 Yankees do not seem like a team that will be FUN to watch.

You might have made the case that watching Bird, Sanchez, Ref, and some of the other young guys -- if any of them had had a marvelous (and uninjured) spring -- would be interesting. Maybe FUN.

You can't make that case. Watching Alex stroll up to the plate or Sabathia pitch is depressing. Alex should be behind bars. CC should be behind the podium at numerous AA meetings.

SO: In 2016, we gotta watch Luis, Starlin + Sir Didi -- tolerate Chapman, hope Betances isn't over-used before May 31, and root for Miller to actually be able to play the game with one hand. Essentially, you will have to ignore the other 19 players.

Yes -- this is roughly like choosing among the 5 remaining morons to be the President. You can wince and curse, but one of them IS likely to win in November. Thinking about the choices is painful. BUT: Enduring the Presidency of one of these folks might well be WORSE.

Is Chase Headley really gonna get 140 games at 3B? Is poor Beltran going to be sent out to RF for at least 7 innings per game? Must I watch games waiting for Texeira, Gardner, and Ellsbury to injure themselves? . . . or to provide evidence that an injury happened (Gardner in 2nd half 2015).....

Will my idea of a "victory" in 2016 be defined as "Brian McCann slaps a double down the left-field line" . . . ?

None of that sounds like FUN. It might actually be worse. The 2016 Yankees really are likely to be like the ongoing political crapola: It's very reasonable to anticipate disaster now, but watching the reality unfold could really suck.

Searching for meaning in the meaningless universe

By the way, we won 3-2.

Get comfortable with A-Rod, because he has become the Yankee Regis Philbin

Yesterday, A-Rod performed toastmaster duties on the subject of Chase Headley, telling the NY Trump & Post:

“I’m a big, big Chase Headley fan. I think that what I admire most about him, he’s always interested in getting better. He’s always asking questions. He’s always getting in early, staying late, studying film."

Close your eyes, and you can picture a member of the Channel 5 Eyewitness News team talking about her co-anchor over a backdrop of heartfelt guitar.

Listen: This was always A-Rod's greatest talent: His HRs... his Human Resources... yes, the ability to bullshit. It's why he survived NY, it's why he escaped the lifetime ban, it's why he's a part-time Fox Sports mushmouth, and it's why we will watch him blather for the rest of our lives - a Frank Gifford for the millennials - so comfortable behind the mic that he can do color on Olympic figure skating. Get used to him. For the rest of your life, he will provide smooth, say-nothing pitter patter - long after his last HR turns up on page 2 on a YouTube search for "inanity." Michael Strahan is in trouble. Kelly & A-Rod is coming. Some say after A-Rod's playing days are over, he'll coach. Yeah... maybe on "The Voice." Whether it's Cameron Diaz stuffing popcorn in his mouth, or that billion dollar Internet queen eating squab for lunch with him, he fills every camera frame.

Write this down: 2019 "Dancing with the Stars," winner... hands down.

 And don't get me wrong: More power to him.

This year's line on A-Rod - recently advanced by Sports Illustrated's "Nameless Scout" review of the team - goes this way: He is a great teammate, loved by players almost as much as hated by (non-Yankee) fans. Keep in mind there are reasons for colleagues to like A-Rod; he pushed the salaries envelope with that first interplanetary deal with Texas; he's been the whipping mule for performance enhancing drugs that uncaught users must feel twinges of guilt over - and frankly, he is said to be a guy who helps young players. Manny Machado wears 13 to honor Alex. Supposedly, A-Rod buys suits for raw-boned Yankee rookies when they arrive, and he tells them which fork to use at dinner.

I believe happy-chatty players play a distinct role with their teams: They deflect questions from those who hate doing interviews. Anybody who's ever seen Suzyn Waldman practically cry while interviewing one of her Yankees (each, a de facto son) knows that cream puffs exist in a universe beyond food. Still, some guys get nervous. Some can't hack talking into a mic. This can be the year of A-Rod - not necessarily the team leader in RBIs, but the team's Regis Philbin. And make peace with the bullshit. You will never be free of it. (Though you didn't need me to tell you, eh?)

What a surprise: Sabathia is the fifth starter

Goodness gracious! Who saw that coming? CC Sabathia has won the vaunted spring training competition to become the Official Fifth Starter of the New York Yankees. It's like being Bigelow Tea, except he's a pitcher. What an upset! Did anyone think CC could possibly make it? He's the Comeback Kid! The bookmakers in Vegas are going to lose their shirts. Only goes to show you: You can't predict baseball.

(For whatever it's worth, I appreciate the fact that Sabathia is getting the shot. From his work over the years, he certainly has earned it. But I hate this Gammonitic-fed crapola about a "competition" to see who would "win" the fifth starter slot. It was always going to be Sabathia. Everybody knew it. What a joke.)

A Creative Thought

Just had my second tequila shot of the day ( yes, with a lemon wedge ), and it dawned on me;

The Yankees should convert Slade Heathcott to a pitcher.

Reasons;

1.  He can't hit major league pitching

2.  He won't constantly be injured by running into walls, diving into the turf, etc.

3.  He has a gun of an arm.

4.  Most of our relievers are either injured or incarcerated ( by MLB ).

5.  Three guys (at least) on our pitching roster are people no one has ever heard of, and came off of     someone else's scrap heap.

6.  It will create interest.  Give fans a reason to tune in.

7.  Babe Ruth started as a pitcher.  So Slade goes the other way.

8.  It shows that the Yankees will do anything to win ( translation:  get back to the one-game play-in).

9.  Shot of the day #3 is just 1.5 hours away.

I'll have more creative ideas after that one.

In complete and heartfelt semi-defense of Alphonso

I grew up in an angry, dysfunctional household and avoid confrontation as a result. Additionally, I'm a Libra, so I always look for balance or try to balance the scales in any situation. 

In the words of the Floyd, us...and them.

This is why I posit the following about the Jesus-Pineda trade:

Both teams lost in that trade. Both.

Jesus simply sucked more and sucked faster than Pineda. Pineda is a broken down old man at 27. He is not quite as inconsistent as Nova (brought to you by a grant from the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation), and maybe marginally not as bad when he's bad, but that's splitting hairs. If his name was Ivan or Nakita or Vladimir, we'd all be saying that he's nothing but another dice roll every time he steps on the mound.

We don't need no stinking dice rolls. You don't win pennants with dice rolls as half your starting rotation (I'm rounding down to be charitable).

And as Alphonso said, the other thing about Pineda are his DL proclivities. So the above is if he even manages to get to the mound.

Yes, Montero turned out to be the Hindenberg, both physically and in terms of performance. But Pineda was no bargain. Saying we categorically won that trade is like saying McCann is worth every penny because he sure can frame pitches.

It's time to move on. We have bigger fish to fry this season, none of which are at all appetizing.

Prediction Time; Weighing In

Apparently, tequila has calories.  So this " weighing in" request from our leader, El Duque, is problematic.  If I am to remain on my 3 shots per hour per day routine, I shall be required to buy a new wardrobe, or stop with the food part of my day.

On to the the Yankees;

My first conclusion was that the Yankees would wind up in third place in the AL East.  The reason has already been stated by our leader;  the team is mediocre.

 Mediocre is a "C" average in school.  Mediocre is third place in the AL East.  Mediocre is uninspiring and pretty much, " the same as everyone else." Mediocre is a failure to stand out.  Mediocre is, " getting by."  Mediocre is being one of the " also rans" that no one remembers when the real games begin.

Finishing the season, without distinction, without any meaningful games, is mediocre.

That was before the two injuries;

1.  Our ace relief pitcher ( now there remains one ) needs 4-6 weeks to heal properly, and another two weeks ( minimum ) of baseball exposure to be completely healthy.  Because the bone chip fracture is to his non-pitching hand, the Yankees ( and Murray ) will work out a series of flexible casts and wraps to shorten that time span.  It will be heroic.  And it could be monumentally stupid.

Do  you all remember how effective JPP was with his soft club hand?  For those non Giants' fans on this blog;  he was nearly useless, and comical.

At minimum, a soft cast will be a distraction.  At most, someone will have to cut his steak for him.  In either case, this is a significant loss.  Games we might have won (they will be hard to come by anyway,), will become losses.

2.  As I mentioned the other day, " Turf Toe" is an insidious injury for anyone who needs to use their feet for performance.  It destroyed many a season for many a tight end in the NFL.  A " third degree " turf toe injury ( it is the big toe we are discussing ....the only one that actually matters ), can be season ending...even in baseball.

And if you don't allow this to heal properly ( i.e. you mismanage it ) , it can become a recurring malady.  That is a career ender.  Mitchell should be put on the DL and remain on the shelf.  See you next year.  Sadly, this guy looked as though he was ready to make an impact.

Now the Yankees have to elevate the next, " no name," to the roster, and pretend we are a deep organization, " manning up."  The truth is, the next guy up will be another anonymous face on the bus.

Based upon these early injuries, and anticipating a season of additional mishaps with some of our veterans, and considering back-ups ( manning up )  like Aaron
Judge ( .068 ) and Sanchez ( .048 )  as depth, I revise my prediction to 4th place.

And please note; Ivan Nova, Michael Pineda, and CC Sabbaths will not be reliable, dominating starters.  Severino will set a record for losses for a starter with an ERA of under 2.50.  Eovaldi will give us close to 5 excellent innings every start, and leave, in the 6th with no outs,  4 runs down and runners on 1st and 3rd.

4th place it is.

 I just hope they sink fast so I do not even waste my time watching them.  On the other hand, what else will lull me to sleep on the couch so effectively?

You Want The Truth? You Can't Handle The Truth!

When the last man is standing, when the data is in.....

There is no way to conclude at this moment........

Wearing the uniform longer does not mean....

If a player's contribution is several years of negative......

You are acting pre-maturely, based upon a trade....

How many years does it really take to judge....

Unless a man is out of baseball, putting on roofing in the suburbs....

Who does better if $20 million is paid for a string of losses, versus $10 million for a "Gone Boy".....

One cannot be certain that a player, still only 28....

Would Early Wynn be in the Hall of Fame if his record was 12-300 rather than...

If a pitcher has more time on the DL than......

Is a race over at the three quarter pole, just because one horse....

If Trump is elected, will the nation .......

Don't bet the outcome until you know that the dice are....

Prediction time: The 2016 Yankees will finish... (drum roll, please)...

In modern professional sports, there is one sure-fire way to build a winner: Finish last for three to five years. You'll collect top draft picks, get to auction off stars at the trade deadline and - unless you possess superhuman stupidity - you will rise. It's the way pro sports are rigged. Damn... it's so clean, so perfect, so ingenious. The world's wealthiest men - the billionaires who own sports teams - run an authoritarian, socialistic system based on "luxury taxes," a means to destroy free market capitalism and keep down their payrolls.

Before we start, I just wanted to get that out of my system...

I do this, because if the Yankees had finished 5th the last three years, we'd be anticipating a dynasty. But the former Evil Empire is the one team in American pro sports living the delusion that it can win the pennant every year, and never have to rebuild. In the early 2000s, they competed by annually buying the best free agent on the market. The rules changed, and now, we have an owner - no, we have the son of an owner - who sports the hubris of believing the Yankees will simply outsmart the rest of baseball and win without spending. It's madness, of course. And it forms the basis for these predictions.

Here goes...

The 2016 Yankees will finish third in the AL East, about six games over .500, continuing their stay in the Wild Card level limbo, which they have occupied for three ugly, long, fruitless years. We no longer compete for pennants. We chase the expanded Wild Card slot, and this year, we will miss it by a couple games.

We are an old, brittle team in a sport dominated by young, ascending players. The 2015 Yankees illustrated this. They led the AL East into July, then sank without a bubble in August. By the end of September, we looked haggard, beaten, frail and - frankly - terrible. We couldn't even beat last place Boston. This year, the core of the team will be even older, and there is nothing Joe Girardi or Brian Cashman can do to change this.

The breakability of this team was magnified yesterday, when Andrew Miller was diagnosed with a chip fracture in his wrist, and Bryan Mitchell - the promising swing man - went out with a broken toe. Both are durable young players. Both were freak incidents, the kind that happen commonly. But no Yankee fan in captivity believes Gardner, Ellsbury, Beltran, A-Rod, Tex, Sabathia, Tanaka, Pineda et al - will last the full 2016 season. It's far more likely that none of them go the whole year. In every winter trade, Cashman sought youth. (Except for the Aroldis Chapman, which was affected by his legal status.) We're just too damn old.

Starlin Castro and Didi Gregorius will become the core of the team. Don't be surprised if, by the end of the season, they are batting one and two. Counting Ellsbury and Gardner, we have four lead-off hitters. The problem: Driving them home. The middle of the order is really, really really slow. The DP-ball is going to kill us.

If there is a key to the Yankees, it is Luis Severino. He looks like our version of a young Pedro Martinez. You don't want to hang that kind of comparison on him, but for the Yankees to win the Wild Card, we need an ace, and who else is going to rise into that role?

The other key is Teixeira, now in his contract year. He wants to retire in New York - a desire that runs directly counter to Hal Steinbrenner's plans of weeding out expensive contracts. This is where we should pause to once again lament the injury to Greg Bird. He was going to take over 1B. Now, who knows? But Tex could be good... until he's hurt.

As much as we love the three-closer bullpen, it's just a show. We can't wait for that one game when Betances, Miller and Chapman shut the door from the seventh inning on. But it's a fantasy. We might lose the next game, because three were unavailable. Can Girardi manage this threesome? Last year, he turned into Joe Torre - in a bad way - overusing closers until they fell apart. And now Miller is going to start the season with a bad wrist. Is that really a good idea?

The AL East won't be the patsy league it was early last June. Toronto is loaded, Tampa has mucho pitching - (Chris Archer could win the Cy Young) - and Boston is building via the tried-and-true method: They have finished last two years in a row. They made huge blunders by signing Sandoval and Ramirez, and maybe Rusney Castillo, but they won't come in last forever. They have a strong wave of young talent on the horizon - Yoan Somethingorther - and if a few players emerge, the bump we feel will be Boston passing us... maybe for a while.

We are in a limbo. Third place. It's going to be a long year.

OK, everybody: It's time to post your views.

Pummeled

Overall score on the day: Other teams 19, Yankees 7.

Plus, we lose Bryan Mitchell for God knows how long, A-Rod and Chase Headley hit into inning-ending DPs, and Andrew Miller will start the season, pitching with a broken wrist.

Calgon Bath Oil Beads... take me away!

United We Stand

Did you read the crazy thing Alphonso put out? He wants you to think I'm the only one standing up to him! In fact, el duque beat me to it! It's right there where anyone can go look! Does he think blaming me will win him points with duque? That's pathetic, folks. Pathetic.

Say who won the trade, Alphonso. Say who won the trade. Say who won the trade.