Apparently, Trump called A-Rod to talk about the coronavirus

The most definitive proof yet that our reality is, in fact, a computer simulation based on stories in The Onion: 

ABC News says President Trump this week reached out to the renowned epidemiologist, Dr. Alex Rodriguez, to discuss our nation's response to the coronavirus. Says today's Daily News...

The retired Yankees superstar, business mogul, and high school graduate was reportedly recruited by President Trump earlier this week for his thoughts on coronavirus, according to ABC News’ John Santucci and Katherine Faulders.

Okay, for those of you scoring at home... We've got thousands dead, a mad scramble for ventilators, millions out of work, a traumatized health system, a nation confined to homes... and Trump calls A-Rod to gobblegobblegobble about - what? - the National Defense Production Act? The legendary centaur painting supposedly hanging over A-Rod's bed? The run on everyday supplies that non-celebrities face? (Says a friend: America elected a President so full of shit that the nation nearly ran out of toilet paper.) I mean, could this get nuttier? Wait... why do I ask? We're talking about Trump here. Of course it could!

A-Rod’s fiancee, Jennifer Lopez, was also in on the call...

Yes, of course, yes! Imagine the inanity of that conversation. Did they give him their best, unbridled lick-spittle? Did they gush? Did they coo? O, sir, what an honor! O, how do you find the time? Actually, we do have suggestions - Jennifer has drawn up schematics for a new surgical mask, and I'm nearly finished on a vaccine... 

I've always believed that toads must worship frogs. 

This has to be up there with the moment that Elvis showed Nixon his FBI secret agent decoder ring. 

I must note that Trump called the report "fake news," his term for any news story that casts him in less than a Fox News/emissary-from-God, golden light. My guess is that Trump called to grub for money. He will recruit anybody - celebrity, dictator, or war criminal - that might help him get re-elected (and, yes, in that regard, he's no different than any other politician.)  

Trump’s call was part of his continued outreach across the country on handling the virus, which has broadened its scope to business leaders and apparently, retired baseball players... 

It will be interesting to see if A-Rod and J-Lo climb aboard the Trump Train. A-Rod seems the type who wants to be loved by everyone. His tryst with J-Lo was a destiny conceived in either heaven or hell... I've never figured out which. 

Sources close to Rodriguez described the call between the three-time MVP and 45th President to ABC as “pleasant.”

I hope somebody recorded the call. Historians will want it for the national archives. A ton of shit is about to fall from the skies. But who cares? We're just a simulation in The Onion and, really, we ought to learn to laugh: It's pretty damn hilarious. 

Virtual Game 2: Yanks Buckshot, Pluck and Devour Birds, 8-0. Stanton Stays Idle.

In virtual baseball today, the NewYork Yankees won their second straight, defeating the Baltimore Orioles, 8-0.

Yankees starter Masahiro Tanaka shut down the Birds for six innings, while Gleyber Torres hit two more home runs, two doubles, and a single.

Clint Frazier had three more hits for the Yanks, but frightened the crowd by running into the top of the dugout on his return from the field, and knocking himself out.

Giancarlo Stanton, who was expected to play today, instead remained sidelined after reporting back pains due to his bench pressing two models at the same time.

"Giancarlo could have played if it were the World Series," manager Ma Boone told the press.  "I mean, not if it were an important, September game, or a divisional series game.  But the World Series, sure.  As for the League Championship Series, I dunno.  It's too hard to say."

In other Yankees developments, D.J. LeMahieu did everything right.

Plague Theater: Perhaps the strangest Utica Club commercial ever

Now that is market penetration. 

Plague Theater: Yogi Berra on "What's My Line"

Go 20 minutes in. The crowd goes wild. It's July 2, 1961, the nation frothing over Mantle and Maris chasing Babe Ruth. On the second question, Bennett Cerf nails it. Did he peek? Did he hear something. Shoulda been an investigation. 

Plague Theater: Utica Club's "Schultz & Dooley" run for office

Pre-Trump Trump?

In a pinch, the Yankees come through for their stricken farmhands

Today's Murdoch Post reports some good deeds by the Yankees toward a group of minor leaguers who've been holed-up for weeks in Tampa. It's a hopeful message we all can use. Says the Post:

With GM Brian Cashman leading the effort, the Yankees handed out 300 meals per day to players and staff and gave roughly 160 players $75 per day until Thursday, when the players were scheduled to return to their offseason residences. The meals were dropped off to players staying in hotels. Players who lived in apartments picked up the meals at the complex.

About three weeks ago, after a few minor leaguers tested positive for the virus, the Yankees quarantined a large group at their Tampa complex. Today, they are closing the operation, in part due to Shelter-in-Place restrictions imposed by local government. (Tampa looms as a potential corona hot spot.) 

The players say the entire Yankee organization pitched in to help. This is from Josh Smith, a minor league infielder by way of LSU.

“I can honestly say that this is going to stick in my mind forever. Seeing Brian Cashman in flip-flops and gloves working his butt off to help the players shows true leadership....Along with Cashman, [senior director of player development] Kevin Reese and [director of player development] Eric Schmitt did the same each and every day when they could have been at home taking care of their families. You see them lead by example, and it shows how special this organization is."

Nobody knows where all of this is going. I thought we'd seen it all - the Cuban Missile Crisis, the assassination of JFK, the gas crisis, the World Trade Center, the great recession - but this is altogether different. With this one, the wolf is at our door. 

But I do believe that all of us, from the top to the bottom, will be remembered for our acts of selflessness - or selfishness - over the next several months. Apparently, the Yankees have been coming through for their players. Bravo. 

Virtual Off-Day: Giancarlo Stanton Pledges to Redouble His Model Pressing Efforts!

Yankees star Giancarlo Stanton, currently sidelined with a freak lace tip injury, vowed today to redouble his model-press efforts while he waits to take the field again.

During the Yanks' off-day in Baltimore, Giancarlo invited the press in to watch him bench press not only Adriana Lima, his favorite off-season lift, but also model Miranda Kerr.

Holding one model in each hand, Stanton lifted the lovely ladies effortlessly.  Afterwards, though, he reported feeling a strain in both of his buttocks, and requested the attention of the Yankees' medical staff.

Manager Aaron Boone denied that Stanton was seriously injured, and said, "You know, if there was game today, he could go.  A game of parcheesi, at least."

Plague Theater: Watch Utica Club's "Schultz & Dooley" impersonate the stars of Hollywood

Fun fact: Alphonso once worked as a marketer for Utica Club.

(Inspired by JM)

"Oh, put me in coach..."

The best video of what is, in my humble opinion, the best baseball song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xq3hEMUeBGQ

It's opening day, and tomorrow, the Yankee camp must close

Tomorrow, Florida's Hillsborough County - which includes Tampa - begins enforcing a "Safer at Home" rule, which means the handful of Yankees still working out daily at George Steinbrenner Field will probably need to disband.

We might consider baseball practices as "essential services," but authorities disagree.

Thus, the opening of the MLB season - once projected to be May 1 - is growing more distant, not less. 

The following are my napkin calculations - not to be confused with expert analysis. I'm not a statistician or scientist. I am a Yankee fan. But if we simply focus on baseball, here are some numbers to ponder.

Hillsborough County now has 123 corona cases, according to this widely viewed database. It is the hottest spot on Florida's Gulf Coast. The county reported its first infection on March 2. Thus, it's grown relatively slowly, nothing like NY or LA. Hopefully, the new restrictions will further flatten the curve. (And hopefully, they did not come too late.) 

Tampa might be a month behind other cities, in terms of the virus' spread. The next few weeks will determine whether it becomes a hot zone. But even if the policies succeed, it's hard to imagine the Yankees recalling players to camp before mid-April, to launch the season on May 1. And if the crackdown fails - well - let's not go there. 

Then there is the prospect of sending teams north to play games. 

Today, if MLB were a coronoavirus competition, here would be the gruesome standings. (Note: These numbers don't include suburban sprawls, so the actual totals of greater metropolitan areas would be much higher; in the cases of Atlanta and Miami, they would practically double. They should only be used for the sake of comparisons.) 

New York 2011
Chicago 1418
Seattle 1359
Detroit 1122
Los Angeles 812Miami 491
Boston 342
Cleveland 206
Atlanta 204

Even if the fates go our way, it's hard to imagine the Yankees or Mets playing games in New York City before June 1. And if this virus becomes a rolling, nationwide wave, starting to explode in other cities two or three weeks from now - well - you get the idea. 

I say this not to be a gremlin of doom. I believe there will be a baseball season, but like none that has ever been. It might not start until the All-Star break.

Most of all, I hope you and everyone who reads, writes for, and comments on this blog will be there to see it.

Dear God, it should be opening day

The fates place bets with loaded dice,
That all our earthly dreams betray,
While clowns dismiss all sound advice,
Dear God, it should be opening day.

The politicians scrounge for power,
With consequences we must pay.
And so we'll miss our finest hour,
Dear God, it should be opening day.

Our weary age is full of death,
The daily news brings dark dismay,
But I will shout 'til my last breath:
Dear God, it should be opening day.

Virtual Opening Day! Yanks Toast Birds, 12-1. Stanton Hurt.

Welcome to our Virtual Opening Day Recap.

Well, it was quite a Yankee debut for ace and proclaimed savior Gerrit Cole, who shut down the Orioles in Baltimore, as the Yanks thoroughly fricasseed the Birds, 12-1.

While Gleyber Torres hit his customary three home runs in Camden Yards, the big story was Cole, who in six innings of work struck out 10 and allowed only one hit, a broken-bat single by Orioles blowhard Chris Davis that Clint Frazier, filling in for an injured Aaron Judge, misplayed into an inside-the-park home run.

At the plate, Frazier lined three doubles off the wall, though afterwards Yankees GM Brian Cashman shook his head and asked reporters, "You really think that made up for it?  Really?  You are so dumb."

Other than that, Virtual Opening Day 2020 was a thoroughgoing romp for the pinstripers.  The one setback came after Manager Ma Boone announced that the little-seen Giancarlo Stanton would in fact lace up for today's game.

In so lacing up, however, Stanton lost control of a lace, and was struck in the cornea by a loose lace tip.  Boone announced that he would be held out of the lineup after all, as "a precautionary measure," but said that if it was a game that counted, he would be available to play.

Reminded that it WAS a game that counted, Boone looked perplexed for a moment, then replied, "You know what I mean."

Stanton is reported to be day-to-day.

In other highlights, first baseman Mike Ford drew three walks, hit two singles, and recorded eight putouts at first base, one of them while simultaneously eating a hot dog.  And D.J. LeMahieu did everything right.

Plague Theater: Mickey Mantle on "What's My Line?"

Scroll to the 20-minute mark. Bennett Cerf: "Did you ever hit a home run 562 feet against our friends in Washington?"

Are year-ending surgeries to Chris Sale and Noah Syndergaard signs the 2020 season will be scrapped?

December and January brought unbridled hope to the Yankiverse. We signed Gerrit Cole. We saw Houston get spanked for cheating (with Boston apparently next to bend over.) We watched the Redsocks trade Mookie Betts (actually twice, after the first deal collapsed.) The fates promised us a championship. Then came February.

Since camp opened, it's been NBC: Nothing But Crapola. James Paxton's back - out until June. Luis Severino's elbow - out until 2021. Aaron Judge's ribs - out until May. Giancarlo Stanton's whatever - out until whenever. 

But now, thanks to the global medical-economic meltdown - (out until, wait a minute, is he serious? Easter? April 12?) - the Yankee outlook has again turned sorta rosy. Lately, it's been like the last reel of The Godfather, when Al Pacino settles scores, and the villains drop, one by one. 

Justin Verlander - groin surgery. 
Chris Sale - Tommy John surgery.
Noah Syndergaard - Tommy John surgery.

And get this: No Yankee injuries. From a distance, you'd think we were back to a healed and healing Yankiverse. Or... are we just like NYC before the explosion? Is the injury count reliable? Do we really know what's out there? Nobody has been seen hobbling off the baselines because a) there are no baselines, and b) there are no Gammonites there to see it. If a tree falls in the forest, does Tyler Kepner tweet? 

The Yankees have now gone two weeks without a reported injury, a count that roughly coincides with the stoppage of spring training. Well, I don't believe it. We are simply back to that blissful, ignorant, unaware, winter hibernation, and whatever gonadal tweaks our horses feel, they'll keep it to themselves, for now.

All three TJ candidates - Severino, Sale and Syndergaard - seemed poised for bounce-back years, until suddenly, they weren't. That's the Babadook about elbows: Teams hope rest will heal them - they wait and wait - and then, one day, they abruptly throw in the towel. A new MRI shows something. Or somebody looks at an old MRI differently.

With the latest news though, I've begun to wonder if something else is afoot. Could the Redsocks and Mets know something that we don't? Could the 2020 season, like the 2020 Olympics, be postponed or even canceled?

Think this through with me.

From a civic, "League of Their Own" standpoint, the notion of teams playing in empty stadiums for home-bound fans feels nice. But owners won't want to pay their players for an entire year without gate revenues. When players are making $35 million a season, and payrolls run north of $200 million, TV ratings alone just won't cut it. 

For some time now, MLB has been heading toward a huge, ugly labor dispute between the owners and players union. Both sides have been bracing for a fight. Frankly, I believe the owners had been colluding for the last three years, causing the union to be more riled up than ever before. Now, the old line, "Never let a crisis go to waste," could serve the owners well.

A completely scrapped 2020 season - cloaked by the virus - would be a shot across the bow by the owners, withering the players' coffers and their ability to go on strike next spring. Of course, this is a worst-case scenario, and who knows what's going to happen: Every day is now a week, and weeks are months. But I wonder: Are the Mets and Redsocks throwing in the towel because they know something? 

Oh, That Phil!

Have the "Yankees Classic" of Righetti's no-hitter on.  It occurred on July 4th, 1983, near the All-Star game, so Phil Rizzuto and Bill White got to jawing about the game.

Bill White:  Did you ever play in an all-star game, Phil?

Scooter:  Yes, I did.  I was in one and I remember Ralph Kiner banged into the scoreboard and broke his elbow.

In fact, Rizzuto was referring to the 1950 All-Star Game, one of five he was named to, in which Kiner hit the game-tying home run in the ninth, and Ted Williams broke his elbow going after a flyball.

Oh, Phil.  How much other misinformation did you fill our heads with?  And yet, we miss you still.

Breaking: Noah Syndergaard.

Out with TJ surgery.

So, it would've been another lost Mets season anyway.   Much like all the others.

Plague Theater: The Clampetts and the Dodgers

Leo Durocher - is there a show he wasn't on? - appears at the 3:40 minute mark, trying to woo a pitching prospect from the Giants for - gulp - fifty thousand dollars!!! He mentions a bank president named Drysdale. 

"Don Drysdale's a bank president?" 

"No, but being a Dodger pitcher is like being a bank president."

A drumbeat begins for The Master to win the Frick Award

Giancarlo Stanton has healed and is preparing for his next injury

BREAKING NEWS: Aaron Boone says that if the season began Thursday, as it was originally planned, Yankee mainstay Giancarlo Stanton could have possibly played.

REPEATING, BREATHLESSLY: If the season started this week, as was planned, Yankee superstar Giancarlo Stanton could have possibly played, assuming conditions warranted and he avoided another injury. Yankee officials tell IIHIIFIIc that not only could Stanton have possibly worked, but he could have maybe, possibly, we-got-a-great-feeling-about-this belted a home run.

IIHIIFIIc hereby is naming Stanton Comeback Player of 2020 Spring Training, for proving potential doubters possibly wrong. Stanton has recovered from a muscle strain, characterized by Boone as "the invisible scourge."

Some had suggested Stanton would miss opening day. Today, their faces are covered in yoke. They are fake news, lies told by people who seek to hurt Yankee workers. 

Some of you may wonder why regular team doctors are not part of today's announcement. That's because the Yankees have upgraded their medical staff to include Dr. Judge Jeanine Pirro. Speaking of judges, stay tuned for updates on Aaron, who soon might have been able to play on May 1. 

Even as we brood, The Master prepares.

Coronavirus-related calls now being considered by our hero:


"Talk about flattening the curve!  He crushed it!"

"You want social distancing?  That ball wasn't within six feet of the plate!"

"Back to back!  Belly to belly!  In theory!"

"You'd better put him in quarantine!  He won't get over that home run for at least two weeks!"

"Shelter in place!  He hit a bomb!"

"He ventilated that pitch!"


What, too soon?