Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Special “I can’t take another first-round knockout” Yankeetorial: Here we go again: Win game one, then sleep, child, sleep

Waitaminute. I’ve seen this movie. Bruce Willis turns out to be dead, the hot chick is a man, and our thirdbaseman is unmasked as Celerino Sanchez. Peter Parker gets bitten by the spider, and Natalie Portman’s hands bleed up to the point where she accepts the Oscar. Watch for the cat: Every time he pops up, the alien is near. And you thought there was a limit to Adam Sandler poop jokes? What if there are two Adam Sandlers, a man and woman!

Yeah, we’ve seen this movie, and – trust me here – the ending sucks. The Bronx Bomb. It stars the aging, tired, and clutch-crippled New York Yankees, the worst comedy ensemble since “Ishtar.” Imagine “The Expendables 7,” with Arnold and Sylvester in their eighties, and you’ve got it. We know how it ends. We win the first game, botch the second and then – poof – the chick’s a man, and it’s “Crying Time.”

You can see the lost signs in our batting order, like hidden cryptographs found on a History Channel documentary. Here’s Curtis Granderson, second in the league in home runs, batting eighth. Why could this happen? Did the ancient astronauts do this on purpose? No. Grandi just strikes out like a guy who should bat eighth.

And how is it that a utility infielder Eduardo Nunez is the mighty Yankee DH, batting ninth? What ever happened to the Chili Davises and Bob Watsons that once roamed the Yankee Serengeti. Well, we had one. His name was Andruw Jones. We spent the whole season – from March to October - trying him out for the job, and in the last week, we decided it was a failure.

Ah, but back to the movie theme. Folks, we hit the iceberg last night, and now it’s everyone for himself. Now, Baltimore has an advantage in pitchers. That kid Gonzalez is being called “The Yankee Killer.” And Tillman isn’t far behind. We offer Kuroda and Hughes, and if there is a fifth game, we turn it over to CC, while they’ll have a rested arm. Damn, I hate this movie. I can’t take another first round knockout. I’m telling you, I can’t take another first-round knockout. At least the Redsocks will retool in the off-season. If we slink forward after a first-round knockout, we will still be taking water, with Sylvester Stallone batting third, and good grief, we know what happens, folks, Leonardo freezes to death so James Cameron can live on and travel to the stars.

If you’re looking for hope, I’m sorry. Seriously, I apologize. Maybe there is a hero in that lineup somewhere. Maybe Arod will magically return. Maybe Ichiro can lift us, or maybe Boone Logan will shut them down from the sixth to the eighth. But if anybody told me that Andy and CC would pitch great games, I’d have bet my tent on us being up 2-0. They did, and we’re going home for a two-out-of-three series. Who’s the hero in there? I see dead people.    


Faithful but realistic said...

Agreed. A-Rod, Grandy and Swish. Too many dead ends in the lineup. A-Rod hit the ball hard twice, and Girardi is celebrating like a major breakout is just around the corner. Fact is, A-Rod is the dead end where rallies go to die in the playoffs, and with one wonderful exception, he has been flailing and missing his entire career. I hope to be proven wrong -- and I will come on here and admit such if it happens, but we all know that would be a huge surprise. 6th most HRs in history, and I hold more hope when Ibanez is up. (And Texiera is now a singles hitter.) AAARRRRRRGH!!!!!

John M said...

It's all the towels. Sunday the Baltirubeans waved orange towels, and after 8 innings or so, we adjusted and could actually focus on things on the field. Last night, they pulled a fast one and switched to white towels. It was a shrewd and dastardly trick. We never did recover from the sudden change of towel-waving color, and fell short.

Need I remind you, New Yorkers do not wave freaking towels, hold up rally monkeys, or, with a few exceptions in the crowd and on the bench, turn their hats inside out to 'cause' a rally. This will no doubt help us moving forward.

If someone could arm Suzyn with a long-range firearm packed with rubber bullets, I would bet the Wave baloney would come to a stop, also. But this is unlikely.

It would help if some dedicated couple had sex in a stadium rest room that immediately goes viral during the game. Being New York, it doesn't matter which gender or mix thereof is involved, or if it's a couple or a couple of dozen. The important thing is sex + rest room + video + viral (the internet kind).

Anonymous said...

Having read John M's comment, I am now optimistic. Or, at least, I'm laughing. Thank you, Sir.

joe de pastry said...

Unless Kate Hudson makes a comeback, maybe it's Chavez time?