Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Yankeetorial: As rotten as Boston has been, it has not lost 8 in a row this season, and that's what the Yankees now must foster

Last night, that ridiculous, sound-effects echo chamber dome collapsed in Tampa. Bud Selig's down-to-the-wire, Wild Card Lite race - which the Rug has been touting since April - turned into a smudge on the Dr. Octopus horn-rims that Joe Madden wears, I guess, to woo loose women on trips to Sarasota. It's over in Florida. Baseball, that is.

For six years, Tampa enjoyed a surge of great talent, but nobody watched, and now Baltimore has passed the Rays, and Toronto will be next. Soon comes the free agent walkaways, and then the owner ultimatum: Build a new stadium - like Miami - or we move to Carolina. (What would sports owners do without Carolina?) Field of Dreams, owner style: If you build it, we won't go.

Meanwhile - re: tonight and tomorrow - don't blame the Rays if they drink heavily and watch the O's circle the bases. It's a Psych 101 thing. Expect Balto to do to Tampa what Lindsay Lohan did to that guy last weekend who refused to delete his cell phone photos.

Thus, to win the division and escape the horror of having blown our 10-game lead -  a blunt head trauma that still haunts this team's fossil record - we must sweep Boston this week - pushing their losing streak to eight games. Eight.

You can look this up. As sucko as the year has been, Boston has yet to lose eight straight. Between Aug. 28 and Sept. 3, they lost seven on the West Coast, and they have a litter of four and fivers - but eight? Yeesh. That's like asking Santa for a new car. That's like taking a photo of Lindsay Lohan puking and then expecting her to autograph it. Eight? Awww, shit. You're asking a lot for a team to lose eight in a row. Seattle couldn't. Minnesota couldn't. Cleveland pulled it off: They did eleven. But hey, that's Cleveland. (Wither goest Shelley Duncan, still one of my all-time fave Yankees.)

We need Boston to lose eight. Shit. Try flicking the lighter eight times in a row. Try handling Joe Madden's glasses eight times without leaving a smudge. It's beyond mediocrity. Eight in a row is genius. We need eight in a row. Don't be deceived by last night. This is not going to be easy.

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