ON WHITEY WEEKEND IN AMERICA: A COMPARISON OF NEW YORK AND BOSTON’S TWO TOP WHITEYS

Today, as baseball celebrates Old Timer’s Day at Yankee Stadium, America will be treated to a symbolic duel between its two top “Whiteys,” assuming we exclude that crazy sheriff in Arizona.

The Yankees will welcome the return of 84-year-old pitching legend Ed “Whitey” Ford, who was elected to baseball’s Hall of Fame in 1974.

Meanwhile, news outlets will recount week one in the trial of 83-year-old James “Whitey” Bulger, the legendary Boston mobster, drug kingpin, murderer and snitch.

It’s rare to find two men with such politically incorrect nicknames suddenly competing for the public spotlight. (Of course, this could happen at Old-Timers games, when appearances by ex-Yankees “Sudden Sam” McDowell and Mickey “Mick the Quick” Rivers may conjure unsettling images of sexual dysfunction.)

But two Whiteys on the same weekend? That’s not only racially insensitive; it’s downright confusing. Thus, we at IIHIIFIIc have compiled a brief guide to America’s two top Whiteys.

ACHIEVEMENTS:
Whitey Ford: 16 years of outsmarting major league hitters, 236 career wins, 10 times named to All-Star game.
Whitey Bulger: 16 years of outsmarting national police manhunt, 19 career murders (alleged), appeared 16 times on America's Most Wanted.

ALSO KNOWN AS:
Whitey Ford: “The Chairman of the Board,” “Slick”
Whitey Bulger: “Thomas F. Baxter,” “Tom Harris,” “Mark Shapeton,” “Thomas Marshall,” “Rat.”

NOTABLE COLLEAGUES:
Whitey Ford: Lawrence "Yogi" Berra, Mickey "The Mick" Mantle, Billy "The Kid" Martin.
Whitey Bulger: Edward “Balloonhead” Halloran, Steve “The Rifleman” Flemmi, John "The Executioner” Martorano.

MIRTHFUL SIDE:
Whitey Ford: Joked that he struck out Willie Mays in 1962 All-Star Game by doctoring ball.
Whitey Bulger: Joked that he “color coordinated” the body of Louie Litif with green underwear and a green garbage bag.

GREAT MOMENT:
Whitey Ford: Hurled two shutouts in 1960 World Series against Pittsburgh.
Whitey Bulger: After Tommy King was shot in head, propped up body in car, covered wound with ball cap and drove to Dunkin' Donuts.

LOW POINT:
Whitey Ford: Couldn’t pitch game seven of 1960 World Series, which Yanks lost. Always regretted it.
Whitey Bulger: Stopped at intersection and shot wrong McGonagle brother, between eyes. Apologized to family.

INVOLVEMENT WITH RICO:
Whitey Ford: Often dueled with Red Sox slugger Petrocelli.
Whitey Bulger: Faces 32 charges from Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act of 1970.

QUOTE:
Whitey Ford: "I didn't cheat in 1963 when I won twenty-four games. Well, maybe a little."
Whitey Bulger: "Alright, if they want to play checkers, we’ll play chess. Fuck 'em."

PATRIOTIC SIDE:
Whitey Ford: Served in U.S. Army 1951-52 during Korean War
Whitey Bulger: As federal prisoner in 1956, volunteered to take LSD as part of C.I.A. experiments.

IN THE WORDS OF ADMIRERS:
Whitey Ford: "One of the greatest pitchers to ever step on a mound."
Whitey Bulger: "Could teach the devil tricks."

DOWNFALL CAUSED BY:
Whitey Ford: Bum shoulder, 1967.
Whitey Bulger: Tip to authorities by Miss Iceland of 1974.