Sunday, June 9, 2013

The incredible bad juju of losing Chien-Ming Wang may have cost Nuno, too

OK, I know what you're thinking: I'm gonna rip Cashman for letting Chien-Ming Wang run across the Peace Bridge. Wrong. Turns out, any right-minded Yankee fan - even Tea Leoni - would have done the same. Even Rudy Giuliani, in the name of rooting for the AL East.

Friday, Wang's agent, Alan Nero, kissed Cashman's ring and asked nicely for his man to be set free. Cash could have told him to stuff it. Instead, he appreciated all Wang has done for the Yankees, and he delivered the letters of transit, telling a tearful Wang at the airport:  Here's to you, kid. Last night, you said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I've done a lot of it since then, and I all adds up to one thing: You're getting on that plane with Melky, where you belong. We'll always have Scranton.

Nero called Cashman a "class act." He's right. Chien-Ming Wang was a great Yankee, and if the organization owes him anything - which it does - it's a chance to get back in the majors, rather than die next to Chris Bootcheck in the stygian blackness of a Moosic coal mine.

That said, Cashman is a juju idiot, a metaphysical dumpling who must have broken more than his foot when he leaped from that plane.

Within hours of releasing Wang to the Jays - (who are by no means out of the AL East race) - this is what happened.

1. The Yankees 4-game winning streak ended, because Hiroki Kuroda has begun to crack.

2. Vidal Nuno - next on Cashman's depth chart - tweaked a gonad. He's likely to hit the DL.

3. Paris Jackson - the next Paris Hilton? - goes to the hospital with a slit wrist.

4. Nelson Mandela - the greatest living Yankee fan - is sick, maybe dying.

5. Two years later, Google is still trying to figure out the societal mechanisms that caused Magic Mike to do so well on its opening release. WTF? Google can't understand the appeal of Matthew McConaughey in Daisy Dukes?

6. Michael Pineda - also ahead of the Wangster - has his first rehab start canceled by rain.

OK, the last one is a doink rain out, but you get the idea: Screw with juju, and you pay a price. It's lucky no one lost an eye.

Every Yankee foresaw a perfect juju ending to the Wang saga: He pitches us to the World Series, with Paris Jackson and Nelson Mandela cheering with Tea Leoni in the owner's box. Now, Wang goes to Toronto. The juju grid has been breached. Cashman better quit the data mining operations and go back to killing some barnyard animals - fast.


John M said...

It turns out someone DID lose an eye. True, it was far away and seemingly irrelevant to the Yankees' future, but keep in mind the old chaos theory story about the butterfly flapping its wings and causing a hurricane halfway around the world weeks later. Or don't. Up to you.

From the Jerusalem Post, where obviously confused sentences go unedited and are cleared for publication:

"A young boy lost his eye in an anti-government protest on the Talimhane side of Taksim Square in Istanbul on Monday night, a prominent Turkish academic Ahmet Insel told CNN Turk, Turkish Daily Hurriyet reported.

"The boy was shot in his eye after being shot with a plastic bullet, according to the report.

"Insel said that the boy wished to remain anonymous."

The poor kid didn't want his name out there in case some fanciful Yankee blogger traced a losing streak or something back to this sad event.

Hang in there, kid. Moshe Dayan had one eye. Sammy Davis Jr. had one eye. Peter Falk had one eye. Sandy Duncan had two eyes but only one worked. The future is wide open.

Anonymous said...

I wonder why he'd want to remain anonymous...

KD said...

Special request: Photoshop of Tex wearing a sombrero. Gold colored, of course.

Leinstery said...

I can answer number 5.

Matthew McConaughey is a guy we all wish we could be. Just walking around shirtless for three years, hanging out at Longhorns football games and treated like he coached the team for 45 years, and banging some hot Brazilian girl for ten years before finally marrying her. He is lauded for playing the role of David Wooderson because deep down we all want to fuck high school freshmmn. And on top of that he has somehow managed to churn out such classics as "Fool's Gold", "Sahara", and "Failure to launch" all while rehashing the same character.

Although his participation in the worst movie of all time "Tiptoes" cannot be overlooked, I place the blame on everyone else except him and Kate Beckinsale (I'm looking at you Gary Oldman playing a midget).

The real question isn't understanding why Matthew McConaughey is the king, it's how can he not be so damn amazing.

P.S "Ghost's of Girlfriends Past" is my personal favorite spin on the Christmas carol. Although Jennifer Garner is the main female role and she's a total plain Jane and Matthew's love interest, Lacey Chabert saves it with her sweet titties.
P.S.S There were way too many midget sex scenes in "Tiptoes".

Anonymous said...

Maybe Wang kicked Nuno in the wang on the way out.