The new Yankee philosophy: “It’s never enjoyable to struggle, but it does make one stronger and wiser, I believe. You’re not going to learn all the life lessons by winning all the time.”

Yesterday, the real Hal Steinbrenner came forward.

“The reality is: Parity is here to stay. We’re there. We’ve got a little ways to go, but look at the teams that were in the playoffs last year."

So there you have it. Parity Mediocrity is here to stay. The Yankees are a learning tool. We become better people by losing. It builds character. We'll appreciate orange sunsets and puppies. We'll speak more wisely and lovingly. I'm already feeling it. In fact, I am already feeling so fucking moist and full of wisdom that I want to run out and strangle a Yankee ballcap with my bare hands. This is the greatest thing that has ever happened! The Yankees have opened my eyes to the vacuity of victory. I am no longer chained to a team that simply tries to win. The Yankees are making me a better human being. Thank you, oh wise and glorious Hal. You are one fucking incredible driver of evolution. You are a goddamn gene mutation for goodness.

Yesterday, it came out: Food Stamps has no plan whatsoever to emulate his father and spend big on this franchise. Why should he? All he needs to do is cut payroll, spend less in luxury taxes and bank the billions himself. Ka-ching. That old Yankee winning legacy - you know, 27 world championships, blah-blah-blah, valuing wins over profits? - fuck that shit. We are now investing in the MLB corporate strategy, which is known as "Parity." The mediocre Yankees are here to stay.

Actually, Hal's words should bring no surprise. Over the last four years, we've seen what was happening. Still, it's bracing when a masquerade is finally torn away, when the sweet smile disappears and you see the sharp teeth and glowering eyes.  The Yankees are no longer the Yankees. They are the New York Padres or the New York Baseball Knicks. The Steinbrenners are just another set of wealthy heirs who'd rather pick clean the family's gold carcass than maintain a legacy of world championships. That means having to spend money.  

Hal's comments came outside a meeting of owners, where he surely is a beloved figure. I bet whenever he walks into a ballroom, he receives multiple hip-hip-hoorays. When the Yankees curtail spending, when they graciously offer to stand in line and wait their turn, why... every other owner in the country club gets to stash a few more rubles into the Cayman fund. And not to worry, Yankee fans: If we just finish last for several years - one day we too can challenge for the AL East! Our time will come! All we have to do is be patient! Just keep watching YES, keep paying the most inflated ticket prices on the planet, and never give up hope! Be like Coney! Just keep buying the Yankee merch and - if, perish the thought, you're in an auto accident - dial 888-888-888! Just play along, and someday, our ship will come in.

Parity Mediocrity is here to stay. That hope we suggested yesterday - that the Yankees might challenge in 2020? We might want to push it back to 2022. But who cares? We'll be goddamm pearls of humanity! We'll deserve sainthood! The New York Fucking Padres! Hip-hip, hooray. Hip-hip, hooray. Hip-hip, hooray.