Friday, August 18, 2017

Calling America: The Yankee alt-Left needs help

This season, our alt-Right has dominated - basically because if you add a 40-homer RH slugger and a 30-homer RH catcher, you could win the NL East with the cast of Gilmore Girls. 

But without the mysterious Greg Bird - the mayor of March - our alt-left lineup simply never got its act together.  

Let's say we were to play in - oh, here's a wild possibility - a one game wild card! 

Assuming each team would send its ace to the mound - (it's possible they won't have that option) - here are the likely pitchers we'll face:

Angels: RH Parker Birdwell (7-1, 2.88)
Royals: LH Jason Vargas (14-6, 3.45)
Twins: RH Ervin Santana (12-8, 3.28)
Rangers: LH Cole Hammels (8-1, 3.48)
Rays: RH Alex Cobb (9-8, 3.80 or RH Chris Archer, 8-7, 3.84)
Orioles: RH Dylan Bundy, (12-8, 4.17)
Bleu Jays: RH Marcus Stroman (screw the stats, forget it; we're done.)


Five of the seven are RH. 

This is bad.

If they throw a LH starter at us, we can send the Yankee alt-Right, which looks like this:

c Sanchez
1b Tyler Austin, [D.B.] Cooper, Chase Headley, (who skews leftward), Todd Frazier 

2b Starlin Castro (healthy)
ss  Ronald Torreyes (but forget it, we'd never bench Didi)
3b T. Frazier? Headley? Torreyes?
lf  Clint Frazier (healthy and hitting!) 
cf Aaron Hicks
rf Aaron Judge  

dh Matt Holliday? 

Here's the Yankee alt-Left (facing a righty)

c Sanchez 
1b Greg Bird? (fingers crossed) Headley, Gi-Man Choi?
2b Tyler Wade (forget it; he's been awful)
ss Didi
3b Headley, Wade (see above.)

lf Hicks
cf Gardy or Ellsbury (don't laugh, he's starting to hit)

rf Judge
dh Gardy or Ellsbury (oh, go on, laugh) Holliday.


Trouble spots: Our sluggers bat RH. Unless Greg Bird returns with an impact, we will be particularly susceptible to a right-handed starter.

Which is why we better win the Division.

21 comments:

KD said...

Off topic and sorry about that but I thought this would be of interest:

http://www.bostonherald.com/sports/red_sox/2017/08/haunted_by_past_owners_history_red_sox_seek_name_change_for_yawkey_way

This could get very interesting!!

Anonymous said...

IT'S ALL ABOUT GREG BIRD MY FRIENDS.....

CAWCAW!!!

Anonymous said...

BTW...... DIDN'T TYLER AUSTIN GET 2 HITS LAST NIGHT?

LEFTY PITCHING TONIGHT....POMERANZ.

AUSTIN BENCHED TONIGHT.

UNBELIEVABLE.

Leinstery said...

DON'T QUESTION THE BINDERS!!! A terrible end to those who question the binders. Best pray for repentance my friend.

Seems the Yankees are determined to leave as many men on base as possible tonight.

And 162 covers Duque. When the Knicks catch and surpass the Yanks in December due to their putrid play, I'm pointing the finger at you for losing track of the tally.

Leinstery said...

"You know Suzyn, nowadays you never know if one of these guys is an extremist. Must be scary for the players." - John talking about some drunk running out on the field.

Pocono Steve said...

Fuck you, Kahnle!

Leinstery said...

Stupid mother fucking team. Fuck Kahnle and fuck Judge. Kahnle can strike out the side, but ask him to get some outs when there's men on base and you're shit out of luck. Ask Judge to hit a ball in a tight spot or any time after the 4th inning and all you'll see is yet another K. TWICE he couldn't deliver with the bases loaded. Can we please stop pretending he's anything special, because he can only perform in garbage time. 13 men left on base in 7 innings. bunch of bums. Fuck them all.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

DID JOHN STERLING JUST BLOW HIS STREAK???

Suzyn had to call a pitch while John was rushing back from the pisser.

Pocono Steve said...

Lolz @ Chapman warming up.

Pocono Steve said...

Lolz @ Chapman fucking pitching.

Moeteef said...

I'm gonna puke.

Anonymous said...

I'M WITH LEINSTERY.

FUCK THIS SHIT.

FUCK IT HARD.

Pocono Steve said...

Just a terrible team. Thrust the fucking pineapples up THEIR asses. Not ours. THEIR ASSES! NOT OURS!

Moeteef said...

If George was still alive Chapman would be on a bus for Trenton tomorrow.

KD said...

Is Binders drunk? We had them 6-3!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

THE COCKSUCKER CAN'T GET ANY OUTS!!!

OUR "WORLD CLASS" BULLPEN SUCKS DICK.

WE PRETTY MUCH LOST THE DIVISION TONIGHT.

UNLESS WE WIN THE NEXT 2.

SORRY, BUT I HAVE ZERO CONFIDENCE IN CC TOMORROW.

ZERO.

NONE.

DONE.

Nickname Damur said...

I feel your pain, mister A. No confidence in CC. None in Chapsman. It's over.

Parson Tom said...

And the hangover is worse in the morning. I need to get a better job with longer hours, start drinking heavy again and find some meaning in my life. This shit sucks, and I hate myself for how much I invest in it.

Alphonso said...

I did tell you all, months ago, that the disaster of this season all begins, and ends, with Greg Bird.

Anonymous said...

GET BIRD UP HERE NOW!!!

HE IS SOCKING HOMERS ALREADY.

STOP RISKING INJURY BY PLAYING MORE MEANINGLESS GAMES!!!

SCRANTON TO BOSTON ISN'T THAT FAR!

PUT HIM IN A FUCKING LIMO AND GET HIM IN THE LINEUP FOR SUNDAY'S GAME (AT LEAST).

WHICH WILL PROBABLY BE 1 DAY TOO LATE, WHEN WE SHIT THE BED AGAIN TONIGHT, AGAINST SALE.

FUCKING RAGE.

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