Thursday, August 3, 2017

Dear Sonny, welcome to the Yankees, you better throw a shutout

Dear Mr. Gray,

Congratulations! You've been selected as a full-fledged member of the 2017 Bronx Bombers (formerly "Baby Bombers"), the newly rechristened "'17 Golden State Warriors of Baseball Hall of Fame Superteam of Destiny (TM).

According to independent analyses, provided by the YES Network, the Yankees are projected to clinch the 2017 AL East. All you need to do is prepare for Game One of the playoffs - or, as a slight possibility, the one game Bud Selig Wild Card. That means not blowing out your elbow. (That's a joke, of course. There's no reason to think you would blow out your elbow. Just saying it, so it doesn't happen. Nobody thinks it will. Never mind this. Pretend I said nothing. No sense thinking about bad things. Not that I was thinking about it. Nobody is.) 

In the meantime, here's the takeaway: It would be very much appreciated if you toss a few shutouts. We don't need perfect games. A couple five-hitters would do fine. Or, throw eight scoreless innings and - wait, actually, on second thought - let's stick with complete games. There's been a little glitch in our late innings - nothing to worry about - but now and then our closers go through - well - adjustments. Just go nine. Let's leave it at that. Nine. (And don't blow out that elbow, eh, mate? Heh heh, just joking. Bobs yer uncle!)

Recapping here: Think shutout. For example, tonight you'll face Corey Kluber, who has an ERA of 2.90. I don't think you should assume the Yankees will score 2.9 runs. In fact, I think you should pitch under the assumption that the team will score 0.0 runs tonight. Yes, zero point zero. We're going through a bit of a thistle patch here - nothing to worry about, mind you. At least, I don't think so. Well, actually, there might be some concerns. The problem is - well, it's so minor that I hesitate to even bring it up - the problem is we have one hitter. His name is Didi Gregorius, and last night he flopped. So, summarizing: Shutout. Nine innings. Hit totals are up to you.  

Wait... I don't want to give you the wrong impression. Everything is great! Wonderful! Fantastic! We're in first, uh, second. Here's some great news: Aaron Judge says he's figured out what's wrong. He's been jusssssssst missing pitches - not by much. Micrometers. Soon, we'll be back to chanting "M-V-P" when he comes to bat. Lately, it's been crickets. Tonight, if you hear anyone chanting "M-V-P," it'll probably be sarcastic Cleveland fans. Tune it out.

You will want to say hello to Matt Holliday. Lift his spirits. For the last weeks, as holidays go, he has become Friday the 13th. Bit of a slump, you might say. In the month of July, Matt hit .130. with 4 RBIs. He has hit into 13 double plays, each one a root canal. With two outs and runners in scoring position - the do-or-die moment for a veteran - he's at .182. In the category called "Late and Close," he's batting .232. I could give more stats. I prefer not to.

As you know, most ballplayers have the career lifespan of a beloved pet. Some last 20 years, cuddly to the end. Some turn into bumper stickers. Either way, sooner or later, you're constantly cleaning up after them. They'll have a good day, you'll assure yourself they're fine again, the medication works and it'll be like old times. Then they crap the bed. Last night, Holliday got two hits - though not in the eighth, with the tying run on base. Tonight, we're hoping for the best. Nobody wants to bench a veteran, any more than we want to take Packy for that final ride to the veterinarian. 

Also, say hello to your fellow newcomer, Todd Frazier. There's an old saying, "Sometimes, when everyone says it's raining, it's raining." With regard to Todd, it's raining. He came to the Yankees batting .207. He's now batting .205. If we were expecting a "Welcome home, Todd" hitting streak - well, so much for that. Still, the YES folks are giving Todd credit for Chase Headley's recent resurgence - he's getting singles and doubles - as a result of moving to first base. For the life of me, I cannot understand this. Maybe you can figure it out? Looks to me as though, in the batting order, we replaced Chris Carter with Chris Carter. Oh, well, don't mind me. 

Recapping now: Shutouts. Nine innings will do. Welcome to the golden state of chaos.


Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

Sort of Stephen Colbert monologue mixed with Monty Python.
Thoroughly entertaining.
Thank you.

*cap back on*

13bit said...

You said it. You said the (shoulder) word and you can't take it back. Or was it the "elbow" word? What happened to his gonads? What if his arm stays attached, but ht tweaks a gonad? What do we do then? Is there some sort of Tommy John-esque surgery to reconstruct a gonad? Who would it be named after? Would we call it Carl Pavano surgery? I'll have to meditate on this while I do nothing.

Parson Tom said...

have no fear fellas, Cashman pulled off the heist of the century. I read it here so we know it's true:

JM said...


Well, if it's in the Times, it must be true. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)

I want to thank the guys who remembered that Granderson was our reward for Ian Kennedy and Austin Jackson. If only we had a guy who hit 40 home runs and batted .220 now...oh, wait, didn't he used to play first? (LAUGHTER, SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE)

But seriously, ladies and gentlemen, how 'bout them Yankees? (MIXED AUDIENCE REACTION)

These guys looked like they were going to the World Series a couple months ago, but thanks to the collapse of the offense and the shrewd moves by Brian Cashman, they're going somewhere involves flushing, and I don't mean where the Mets play. (WILD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

But it's a good thing we got these new pitchers, Cy Young and Walter Johnson. (LAUGHTER)

Don't ya love it when they start touting how a guy was really good a couple years ago and has been on a hot streak lately? (SOUND OF TOILET FLUSHING) (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Next we're gonna be hearing about how Todd Frazier is showing signs of returning to his Little League form. (LAUGHTER) But, really, that's actually true. The only problem is, he has to play in Little League to do it. (APPLAUSE, WHISTLES)

But I wanna tell ya, it's a good thing we let Andrew Miller go and signed Chapman to a big contract. Too bad opposing teams heard that as "big contact." (LONG LAUGH, MORE APPLAUSE)

You know, ladies and gentlemen, I kid the New York Yankees, but I'm like you--I really want them to do well. All we have to do is get Crosby to buy them from the Steinbrenners, fire Cashman and Girardi and everybody in the front office, and let the kids develop into a powerhouse. But getting Crosby to buy them is a lot like getting Jack Benny to tip the bartender. (LAUGHTER) It IS possible. Theoretically. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Anyway, you've been a great audience, and in a few minutes we'll have Miss Lola Falana out here. (APPLAUSE) So stay turned while we hear a word from our new sponsor, the New York Knicks. (APPLAUSE, FADE)

KD said...

Brilliant, John M!!

Local Bargain Jerk said...

John M:

That was quite inspired, right up to and including the reference to Miss Lola Falana.

If you want to turn that into a post, just start here.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

John M and LBJ: outstanding work as usual.

Now onto a more serious subject -- UFfkaDF.

I think I speak for most, if not all of us when I say that I liked the "kale" avatar muuuuch more.

...and boy does that abbreviation look like a swear word.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Really? We're regretting Ian Kennedy now?

The guy had one great year in the NL West. His average season is 12-11, 3.99, and most of that was in the Triple-A-Plus League.

A-Jax averages 10 HRs and 161 Ks over a 162-game season, lost his starting job before he was 30, and slashes .274/.335/.400/.735

Grandson finished 4th in the AL MVP voting in 2011, led the league in runs and ribbies, hit .262 and 43 HRs.

Yeah, his BA with us was only .245, but his OPS was .335/.429/.829—almost a 100 points higher that Jackson's. He gave us a real chance to win in 2010-12, which we didn't, but that's another story.

joe de pastry said...

Two losses in a row to end a 6-3 homestand == Cashman sucks.
He destroyed the morale of the team by trading Fallen Hero Fouler and letting Nunez go to Boston.
Even if Sunny Grey pitches a shutout tonight that won't make up for the two Sy Jungs prospect Caprealing is sure to win.

Anonymous said...






ranger_lp said...

So much for the shutout....

Rufus T. Firefly said...

as Dr. Smith would say -- the paaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiin, the paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiin!

13bit said...

So, he's not exactly Koufax, but the month is young, right?

JM said...

I put aside my current sorrow to say, hey, HoraceClarke...I wasn't eulogizing Kennedy and Jackson, was just saying thanks to the guys who reminded me who we got. And pointing out that Grandy hitting for very low average but a lot of dingers is pretty much what we got in Carter. Plus that it would be nicer to have Grandy back if he played first, kinda.

Don't blame me, Bob Hope is the one who said it.

Nice pic of Lola and Bob, LBJ. A beauty!

ranger_lp said...

Can someone help me here? I'm trying to think if anyone named Sonny has ever been on a winning World Series roster? If not, that doesn't bode well for us does it?

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