Friday, August 4, 2017

Hope springs eternal


Well, if it's in the Times, it must be true. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)

I want to thank the guys who remembered that Granderson was our reward for Ian Kennedy and Austin Jackson. If only we had a guy who hit 40 home runs and batted .220 now...oh, wait, didn't he used to play first? (LAUGHTER, SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE)

But seriously, ladies and gentlemen, how 'bout them Yankees? (MIXED AUDIENCE REACTION) 

These guys looked like they were going to the World Series a couple months ago, but thanks to the collapse of the offense and the shrewd moves by Brian Cashman, they're going somewhere involves flushing, and I don't mean where the Mets play. (WILD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

But it's a good thing we got these new pitchers, Cy Young and Walter Johnson. (LAUGHTER)

Don't ya love it when they start touting how a guy was really good a couple years ago and has been on a hot streak lately? (SOUND OF TOILET FLUSHING) (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Next we're gonna be hearing about how Todd Frazier is showing signs of returning to his Little League form. (LAUGHTER) But, really, that's actually true. The only problem is, he has to play in Little League to do it. (APPLAUSE, WHISTLES)

But I wanna tell ya, it's a good thing we let Andrew Miller go and signed Chapman to a big contract. Too bad opposing teams heard that as "big contact." (LONG LAUGH, MORE APPLAUSE)

You know, ladies and gentlemen, I kid the New York Yankees, but I'm like you--I really want them to do well. All we have to do is get Crosby to buy them from the Steinbrenners, fire Cashman and Girardi and everybody in the front office, and let the kids develop into a powerhouse. But getting Crosby to buy them is a lot like getting Jack Benny to tip the bartender. (LAUGHTER) It IS possible. Theoretically. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Anyway, you've been a great audience, and in a few minutes we'll have Miss Lola Falana out here. (APPLAUSE) So stay tuned while we hear a word from our new sponsor, the New York Knicks. (APPLAUSE, FADE)


el duque said...

Perfect. But I hope Joey Heatherton doesn't read it. She'll be pissed for being ignored.

Local Bargain Jerk said...

Joey Heatherton was off camera getting ready to corral the guy with the wildass plaid pants on the left in order to jump his bones. Hubba hubba.

I read this again, John M., and you nailed it.

P.S. Is it just me, or does the size of Ms. Falana's head in that photo lend credence to the rumor that she is Barry Bonds' mother?

Anonymous said...


John M said...


Alphonso said...

Really nice piece of work.

Just like your star attraction ( Mr. Hope), our team is dead too.

Nelson Doubleday's Ex-wife said...

Wikipedia Fun Fact.... In 1983, Lola Falana was appearing at Bally's hotel and casino in Atlantic City and, while playing baccarat, won a minority stake in the New York Mets, a stake she held until she sold it in 1988 for 14 million dollars to Frank Cashen.