Friday, August 11, 2017

Sauce from Hoss

From commentator Horace Clarke... or as we call him, "Hoss."

News item: Yankees offered Mets "multiple prospects" of their choosing for Jay Bruce.
We now give you the transcript of a partial broadcast picked up from "The Metsverse," a terrifying alternative universe that exists parallel to our own, one first described by Stephen King.

August 10, 1993.
Gene "Stick" Michael returns to his office high atop Yankee Stadium II, his ears still blistering from the tirade George "Banned for Life" Steinbrenner just laid on him, regarding the team's shutout loss to Boston and Frank Viola up in Fenway that night.

Michael nibbles at the single stalk of celery that is his only sustenance for the day, while studying the board listing all the Yankees' farmhands. Then he notices the little pink slip of paper on his desk: a phone message, from Al Harazin, general manager of the Mets.

'Harazin, poor bastard, all those hopes, and his season's gone south again. What with the firecrackers, and the bleach gun, and hey, lady!" Michael muses, channeling his inner Jerry Lewis while quietly crunching away. "But hey, he's making a solid offer here."

He looks at the phone message again, making sure he's deciphered his secretary's handwriting correctly. But there is no mistaking it.

'Damn, he's willing to give us Eddie Murray, Bobby Bonilla, Bret Saberhagen, and Sid Fernandez! And all he wants in return is Andy Pettitte, from down in the Carolina League, that Posada kid we just converted to catcher, that skinny reliever from Panama who had the arm surgery, and that first round draft choice from a couple years back who has five homers and 56 errors at short...'

Michael picks up the desk phone, and starts to dial.

'Well, hell. How can you argue with the chance to get that kind of star power? Murray, Bobby Bo, Saberhagen, and El Sid? They've got 18 All-Star games between them! The tabs will say I'm a genius!

'Sure, I told George we were still rebuilding. But we're just two back of Toronto! Who knows when we'll get a chance like this again?'

Michael looks at the organization board, reassuring himself with all the names still up there.

'Besides, it's not like we're stripping the franchise bare. We still have Russ Davis, Sterling Hitchcock, Mark Hutton, Bobby Munoz, Carlos Rodriguez, Domingo Jean, Andy Fox...and Brien Taylor! We can't miss!'

He turns back to the phone as it starts to ring, concentrating on how he will drive a hard bargain with Harazin.

"Besides, if I really push him, I bet I can get him to give up Vince Coleman!' 


HoraceClarke66 said...

Wow, I'm very honored! And you know, I actually have that baseball card.

KD said...

Brilliant comment which deserved to be a post!