Thursday, March 29, 2018

Fifty Years from Now


In his excellent post, "Fifty Years Ago", HoraceClarke66 posed the following thought-provoking question:


What will the game be fifty years from now?

I have a few work tasks that desperately need to be completed this afternoon so I thought HC's question offered an excellent opportunity to ignore them.

What will the game be like in 2068?
  1. Every inning will begin with a runner on second base.  This player will be selected from a cadre of six "Designated Runners" available to both teams.  The Major League Designated Runners Union (MLDRU) will be more powerful than the Major League Umpire's Union (WUA).
     


  2. In an attempt to cut down on rampant sign stealing, players, managers, and coaches will be tested for implanted microchips before every game.  Bionic devices that shrink a players' strike zone by artificially elevating his kneecaps and lowering his nipples will also be prohibited.  Jose Canseco will cite both bans as further evidence that the league discriminates against Latin players.  Ted Williams' recently unfrozen head will open its mouth and vehemently disagree.



  3. Players will have difficulty finding the bases 
    when Tide sponsors the game because the orange Tide advertisements plastered all over the bags will blend in with the infield dirt.  A few old coots watching the game will wail "When I was young, we used to EAT those Tide pods. Now these good-fer-nothin' young'uns can't even see 'em."  Younger fans will forgive these oldsters, who have clearly lost their pod-eating minds, if they ever had them.

  4. Now that fans can attach in-seat catheters and no longer need to visit the restrooms, the owners will propose eliminating the quaint but archaic Seventh Inning Stretch" in order to speed up the games, which now average 7.2 hours in duration.  The Yankees will protest because they won't be able to figure out when to play Kate Smith's recording of God Bless America.  In a gesture of support for cherished traditions, fans will rip out their catheters and go to the restrooms.  The federal government's mind-reading software, however, will scan the fans' brains and determine they just didn't want to hear Kate Smith anymore. Septuasexual fans will protest because there are no restrooms that meet their needs.

  5. Camden Yards will be a fine stadium.  Wrigley Field will be a fine stadium.  Yankee Stadium will continue to be Mall of America.



  6. Hal Steinbrenner will be 99 years old on Opening Day.  His team payroll will be under the then current salary cap, ahem, sorry!, luxury threshold, but Hal will not smile.

  7. A-Rod will be romantically linked to North West's 23-year old daughter, Jeri.  Jeri West will be seen in the owner's box at Super Bowl C-III feeding A-Rod nuggets of non-GMO, 3D-printed, creamed corn.

  8. Carl Pavano will be unable to participate in the 2068
    Old Timer's Day game due to injury.  Doctors will initially make a diagnosis of "bruised ovaries" but, when Randy Levine, Yankee Team Historian, recalls that Pavano's ovaries were removed in 2007 following the 11th and final inning he pitched that season, doctors will sheepishly conclude that it's a simple case of "bruised buttocks".

  9. John Sterling will wear a black armband to mourn the recent passing of his compañera, Suzyn Waldman.  Fans will marvel as he recalls the lyrics from obscure show-tunes first recorded in 2032.

  10. Red Sox fans will be insufferable assholes.


Play ball.

22 comments:

HoraceClarke66 said...

Brilliant, LBJ! And hilarious!

Leinstery said...

Opening day vs Toronto. Two of the great Yankee bugaboos in one game. 12-2 Jays. Grandyman hits two or three homeruns. Judge hits a meaningless homerun in the 7th when they're down 9.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

#10 is the only sure bet.

YSIII will probably be YSIV by then and have a train station *IN* the stadium. With collectibles available for purchase before you board the train home (including dirt from YSIII).



Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Dammit I’m at work. What is the Giancarlo call?

ranger_lp said...

@Beauregard...

https://www.northjersey.com/story/sports/mlb/yankees/2018/03/29/john-sterling-unveils-giancarlo-stanton-hr-call-new-york-ny-yankees-mlb-home-run-radio/470566002/

Rufus T. Firefly said...

"Giancarlo, non si pue de parlo"

Which google translates to:
"Giancarlo, you can not speak of it"

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Not a classic.

Leinstery said...

That stinks. "Giancarlo gets them Stanton/standing" stinks too but that's better and it took me 2 seconds to come up with it. Back to the drawing board John.

And I know it's early, but I think it's time to move on from the Hick's experiment. At the very least bat him don't bat him 5th.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

My choice was Stan-Ton Deliver!

ranger_lp said...

John overthought this one....

Even "Giancarlo hits one to Monte Carlo" would have been ok....

Rufus T. Firefly said...

He just hit another.

PLUS, the DEVIL rays just scored 6 in the bottom of the eight to take the lead against the racist townie assholes.

As Zac Brown said, "life is good today".

Leinstery said...

John stumbled over the Giancarlo call the 2nd time around, he might already be scrapping it. Then again this is the same man that called an A-bomb from Hideki.

The win warble was pretty lackluster, I've heard him call Yankee losses with more excitement.

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...


NYY game was great. But even better was what happened to Boston . . .

el duque said...

This is a brilliant post, by the way.

HoraceClarke66 said...

All right, so that went all right.

I'm Bill White said...

The win warble was an embarrassment to men with wet mouths everywhere.

joe de pastry said...

Please don't ever mention anything about removing a catheter in a post again. Having had that done twice in the off-season [by beautiful nurses!] I don't ever want to think about it again.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Bill White is correct. The master is mailing it in. His heart is not in it. Could it be the cataract surgery? Or did he possible get a visit from IrritaBelle recently?

Only the shadow knows.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Mailing it in??? I really thought he was in a very upbeat mood. Helps when they’re winning.

I'm Bill White said...

They say the warble is the first thing to go. Phil Donahue walked away young. And young Phil Donahue was, despite white pubes long before you’d expect to see them. Or in my case, imagine them. Because this post requires it. All of this reminds me of the time when I was a young teen during the Yankee doldrums of the 1980s and Dan Pasqua came to town to sign autographs. I asked if he could write “To Pat,” before the standard “Best wishes, Dan Pasqua”, but he declined. He wasn’t rude. He just didn’t give a shit.

A lazy warble on Opening Day.

Phil Donahue’s pubes.

Dan Pasqua.

Yankees win.



HoraceClarke66 said...

Dan Pasqua. Now there's a name not to conjure with.

Danny Easter. Guy seemed to have talent in buckets. But you're right, Bill White: he never seemed to give a damn.

It's funny, the ones who don't. I mean, why show up then? I guess the money's irresistible, but if you like money so much, why not try to make more of it?

You can think of the type on the Yankees, through the years:

Steve Whitaker
John Ellis
Dave Kingman
Cliff Johnson
Pasqua
Jose Canseco
Mel Hall
Carl Pavano

I'm sure there are others. And of course, Jogginson Cano, King of the Slackers, the man who made a fortune and will go to Cooperstown, all while not really trying all that hard. Which speaks gobs about his natural gifts, I guess.

But why not give a damn? Being able to play the game at this level is a privilege that only lasts for a very short time, and then it's gone forever. There will be plenty of time not to give a damn.

Isiyku Abdulahi said...


I really want the world to know about this great man who brought back happiness into my life again after my husband left me and the kids 3 years ago for another women online when i contacted Dr Believe he cast a love spell for me within 48 hours my ex husband start calling me and begging for forgiveness for everything that have happened between us. I was so happy to have my family back together with love again here is the email of Dr Believe via believelovespelltemple@gmail.com a man with the great powers you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348156148821
God bless you
I am very grateful for your help in my marriage.