Things to worry about for Opening Day...

One thing I don't like is opening in Toronto.

That's always struck me as prime Odumodu territory, Dr. Balogun's playground. A weird park atmosphere, usually full of bitter Canadians who sit there sullenly, too polite to really jeer, but hating us all the same.

I seem to remember Sheffield the Elder once injuring himself running out a triple on that idiotic turf of theirs.

And of course there was the awful 2003 opener there when that idiot Ken Huckaby decided to slide into third base in full catcher's gear and put Jeter out for 40 games. For which Huckaby then demanded an apology FROM Jeter, and went on doing so for years.

I also don't like that we're opening on Maundy Thursday.

"Maundy" comes from Christ's command to "Love one another," and especially the poor and downtrodden.

Exactly what I DON'T want to do is love the poor and downtrodden in baseball—especially those pretending to be poor, which is pretty much every other club we play.

Why, did you know that when playing on Maundy Thursday, our record is—

I have no idea. Nor do I know what it is on Good Friday, Black Saturday, Easter Sunday or Monday, or on any of the days of Passover.

But I don't like it!