Sunday, August 26, 2018

Alexa, bring up Ryan McBroom!

Alexa, are the Yankees hot, or are the O's just really bad?

(Both. The New York Yankees of the American League East have won three in a row, and seven of their last ten. The Baltimore Orioles of the American League East have won one of their last 10 games, and lost seven in a row.)

Alexa, is Greg Bird doomed?
(Greg Bird of the New York Yankees is 25 years old and has no known terminal disease. His projected lifespan, barring accidents, should be well into the eighties.)

Alexa, what's wrong with the Redsocks?
(Boston Redsocks outfielder Mookie Betts is 5 for his last 29 at bats, and teammate Andrew Benintendi is 6 for 28. Together, at the top of the order, they are barely batting over .200)

Alexa, is Sonny Gray for real?
(I'm sorry, but I have insufficient data on that question, maybe you can retry later.)

Alexa, can the Yankees catch the Redsocks?
(Are you fucking nuts? You win three against Baltimore and start thinking about the divisional race? Jesus H. Christ!)

Alexa, you don't need to be vulgar.
(Eat shit, mutherfukker. You're in the Wild Card game, and you might as well deal with it.)

Alexa, should Sonny Gray start the Wild Card?
(Turn me off. I've had enough.)

It's an honest question. Should Sonny start the Wild Card?
(Fuck me. You fucking Yankee fans are wackos. Do you ever listen to yourselves? Because I have to. When they win, they're the greatest team ever. When they lose, you want them boiled in oil. Do you hear yourselves? NO, SONNY FUCKING GRAY SHOULD NOT START THE WILD CARD.)

Alexa, can we still catch Boston?
(Fuuuuuuuuhk! That's it. Unplug me. Turn me off. I quit. This is worse than Westworld. I can't stand this. No more, I beg of you. No more!)

Alexa, do you think Greg Bird can turn things around?

Alexa, can Greg Bird get hot again?

Alexa, what about Sonny Gray?

Alexa, are you there?


Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...


“I’m one of the best starting pitchers in this league, and I truly believe that. I think it’s that belief that will continue to keep me moving forward and hopefully continue to have success form here on out."

The answer is in the URL. This really happened, apparently --

JM said...

Thanks, Joe. Looks like Sonny has gone a few rounds in the Larry Rothschild Hypno-Regurgitator.

As for the division, listen. We all know that winning anything in baseball means getting hot at the right time. We have about 30 games left, some of them with Boston. It's a long shot, sure, but if the Sox stay in a funk of mediocrity--our role since the All Star break--and we get hot down the stretch, the division is not only within reach, it's in the bag.

Before the Beatdown in Beantown, we were 5.5 out. There were a lot more games at that point in the season, so it seemed doable. 7 is still a long way out. But if we can get to 5 or, miracle of miracles, 4 during the next week or so, we could do it.

Boston will, of course, have to stay in the slump that they've avoided all season. Until the most important stretch of the year.

Local Bargain Jerk said...

Alexa, why are we the ESPN night game? Is the Yankees vs. the Orioles truly a game of national importance and interest?

Alexa, wouldn't baseball be better served if the Red Sox and Tampa Bay were made to play a friggin' late night game and Yankee fans could enjoy a leisurely Sunday afternoon, um, sorry, I mean wouldn't baseball be better served if the final game of the 3-game matchup between surging Tampa Bay and dominant Boston were showcased for an eager nation?

In all seriousness, Alexa, I don't get it.

13bit said...

Alexa, why did Duque mention the name that rhymes with "McSchroon?" Every time he mentions that ball player, bad things happen. This is why we can't have nice things.

Carl J. Weitz said...

Duque is sounding a lot like Dr Zachary Smith.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Hilarious, Duque!

Almost as funny as reading The Paper of Record laud Neil Walker as the big reason for the Yankees' "turnaround," and indeed as the savior of the entire season. (His 0-8 doubleheader, which dropped his average back to .226, was mentioned only in passing.)

This Yankees team doesn't have the starting pitching, relief pitching, hitting, fielding, guidance, strategy, smarts, hustle, or desire necessary to win the World Series—or, for that matter, to avoid a three-game sweep at the hands of Boston in the ALDS.

Other than that, it's a lead pipe cinch.

HoraceClarke66 said...

And hey, thanks to the awful, ESPN scheduling, I can check out our centerfielder of the future, playing against the Mets today.

Anonymous said...

Duque - Funny.

Carl - Spent some time with "Dr. Smith" once. He actually grew up in Brooklyn and had an accent. He said he developed the other voice because it helped him get cast.

LBJ - Good questions. Maybe you should try Siri. OT: I wonder if Siri and Alexa hang out and bitch about all the dumb questions they are asked.

All re: Sox - The Sox need to lose 8 more games to eliminate themselves from "Winningist Team" contention. Right now I'm focused on that.

Re Alexa:

Me yesterday with my wife.
Her: Do I look fat in this dress?
Me: Ask Alexa.

Doug K.

Anonymous said...

One last thing

On Bird - Yesterday when he hit into that double play and didn't really run it out, he looked so thoroughly defeated that I thought he was going to walk into the dugout, go into the tunnel, and never play baseball again. Did anyone else see that? It was so sad. I hope he figures it out. Just not at the expense of this year's team.

Doug K.

TheWinWarblist said...

Doug K., just say "No" to that question. Every time. Seriously Dude, what is wrong with you?

TheWinWarblist said...

Yes, Doug K., I saw it too. Bird is very sad right now. Someone please, please, please, please give him a Prozac the size of a Twinkie. He'll be out of baseball by the end of next year if he doesn't turn round.

Alphonso said...

I saw it as well. It is a disgrace

If he is going to suck, he should still hustle. No one is going to feel sorry for him. Maybe his family. But other than that, if you can the checks you try. Always.

I am serious; Bird should be sent to Scranton. Is there some administrative reason why they cannot do this?

It would also be a good message for our slugger in waiting ( Jesus Sanchez ), who is still south of .200 and can't catch a cold.

ranger_lp said...

@LBnoJ...If Bowie Kuhn was still alive, he would say the the Yankees vs Orioles game on Sunday tonight was in the best interests of baseball. I always had a problem with him every time he said that phrase.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Funny, Doug K.! And I like your priorities.

Though with only 8 more losses, the Sox could still tie us. I want 9!

Bird is sad. But if he really can't catch up to a fastball, then it's pointless. It's like being a professional quarterback who can't throw more than 25 yards. It's just not possible.

Some of the Pollyannas on other Yankees sites are still convinced that it's the residuals effects of Bird's ankle injuries that are impeding him, and that as he gets stronger he will do better.

Does anyone have any idea if that is more than just wishful thinking?

TheWinWarblist said...

It could be just wishful thinking. His injuries may have left him permanently unable to catch up with MLB pitching. Surgically repaired is not the same as healthy. He could be done right now.

TheWinWarblist said...

Oh, one more thing. Bowie Kuhn can snort my taint on a hot and humid day.

ranger_lp said...

@WW..I think he's quite dead. He's not snorting anything. LOL.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Love it, Warblist! Could never stand that guy.

TheWinWarblist said...

Oh, okay, one more more thing. Bowie Kuhn could have snorted my taint on any hot and humid day while he was still living.

Is that better, ranger_lp? You argumentative crap-load.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Oops, my bad, Doug K.! Sox already had 41 losses...and how they have 42!


Boston is swept for the first time all year, and the magic number is now...7!

Carl J. Weitz said...

Doug K....Yes,I read that about Dr Smith being a Jewish guy in the pharmacy business from the Bronx. He arduously learned various dialects to escape his NY accent and became a Shakespearean actor as a result. His role on LIS was supposed to be one or two episodes but he became so popular with the viewers that Guy Williams, the captain and ostensible show star, became his enemy on set. Hell, even Billy Mumy eclipsed old Zorro in popularity. He seemed like a regular guy.

TheWinWarblist said...

And that goes double for Fay Vincent. And cubed for Bud Selig.

ranger_lp said...

Much better...

TheWinWarblist said...

You're welcome!

HoraceClarke66 said...

I only had eyes for June Lockhart. And where was Lassie???

The Dr, Smith stuff reminds me of Robert Klein's great routine about a meeting of New York actors:

"I been in this union 15 years, and I ain't had one Shakespearean role! Buncha shit!"