Heading into camp, the winner of the most intriguing Yankee lottery ticket is... opens envelope, looks around... Luis Medina!

It's Stupor Sunday - a night devoted to corporate brainwashing, to TV ads wrapped around a halftime show, to the worship of Doritos - it's time to lick the psychedelic toad of unrealistic Yankee expectations. Set down the Roddy Piper sunglasses, and take a stroll with me, barefoot, through this field of nipples...

We don't need another rundown on the rotation, no peek at the batting order, not even a lecherous glimpse of Jasson "Our Favorite Martian" Dominquez. Nope. Instead, talk about buried treasure, mermaids, gorillas riding unicorns... Luis Medina - age 21.8, says FanGraphs - today's Most Interesting Person in the Yankiverse.

Okay, I know what you're thinking: Hmm... food, good... need meat... must propagate... look out window... tree... obey... 

Hold that thought. You know, Stupor Sunday is not the day to try channeling Rod McKuen. Here's all you need to know: 

Luis Medina has been named Liga de Beisbol Professional Roberto Clemente (LBPRC) Pitcher Of The Year! (LBPRCPOTY) 

Yes, he was the Puerto Rican Cy Young - the Kershaw, the Cole, the Koufax - of limited short season beisbol in our very best favorite U.S. commonwealth. (Viva statehood!  Viva now!) Thus, Medina brings something unique to Yankee single-A prospects: 

An actual baseline performance - as opposed to scouting reports and surgically edited YouTube videos - on which to ponder his potential.

Medina made four starts in the recent LBPRC (pronounced "Lib-Prick".) He pitched 16.2 innings and gave up only one run. But here's the takeaway: He fanned 32 batters, while walking only six. The rub on Medina - who is said to hit 102 mph on the radar gun - was always "great stuff/no control." If he's throwing strikes, who knows? 

And if not - if he's just another Alex Graman - well, shoot me. And by the way, I'm tired of all the smart-mouthing around here. It's been a dark winter, and you know what? The days are growing longer, Jose Canseco just got the snot beat out of him on streaming video, and we have the fukking LBPRCPOTY (pronounced "Lib-prick-potty.") Trevor Bauer may have won the 2020 NL Cy Young, but that's ancient history. What has he done lately? 

Okay, it's worth noting that Medina started a game in the Caribbean World Series, and he wasn't exactly Pedro. He tanked in the fourth against an MLB lineup that included Robbie Cano, Melky Cabrera and Jonathan Villlar. Still, he looked sharp through the first two, and no starters go long in winter ball. I'll take two knockout innings, because that's all we'd ever ask from Medina in 2021.

So... tonight, as you subject your brain to the cleansing... hold this thought: 

Luis Medina! Puerto Rican Pitcher Of The Year! Fukk, yeah!