Monday, May 3, 2021

Dear Yankees: It's time to beat an actual rival

Dear Madams or Sirs,

As stated above, it is time to defeat a team that doesn't feature... 

a) A winning percentage below .300.
b) The first pick in the upcoming June draft.
c) Akil Baddoo as the RBI leader. 
d) A fan base that includes Alice Cooper and Kid Rock.

Tomorrow, the Houston Astros come to Gotham. They are currently two games above .500, drafting the Mariners and A's in their traditional sinkhole, the AL West.  They are hot - sort of - having won seven of 10. Their rotation will be aligned: Zack Greinke throwing game one. 

It's still early in 2021 - too early for primal screams or panic trades. May is the  time for tweaks - not of gonads, mind you - but tiny adjustments, such as making Kyle Higashioka the starting catcher. Yesterday, we watched Cory Kluber - after making some adjustments - seemingly recapture his lost glory years, though it happened against the Tigers, currently the worst team in baseball. 

Tomorrow, the Astros. 

The most malevolent franchise in American sports.

A team that won the world series by cheating.

An organization that abused the basic laws of sportsmanship and then - when confronted about it - lied. 

A roster that has yet to face reckoning for its deeds.

Last year, you never played them. Not one boo was heard. Not one pitch was thrown. 

Some fans want pitches thrown at various Astros, such as Jose Altuve. I disagree. One beanball begets another, and somebody can get hurt. Secondarily, beanballs are for teams or pitchers swirling the drain. It puts runners on base. It can upend the rhythm of a game. We do not need a beanball war.

Instead, I'm thinking all-out, bench-clearing, bullpen-charging brawl! Spiked bats, lead pipes and tasers. Can we resurrect Shelley Duncan, forever remembered as the Yankee who stood up for Francisco Cervelli, after the Rays' cheap-shot? Let's sign a couple MMA fighters for the bullpen. And let's get Rougned Odor in there, so he can pretend Jose Bautista is playing.  

One other thing: 

It's time to beat a good team. It's time to beat a rival. 

It's time to learn if this is a Yankee year, or one for primal screams and panic.

9 comments:

TheWinWarblist said...

I shall gird my loins, the loins of an aging diva yes, but still proud and succulent, and prepare myself to do battle. My warblin' pants are back from the cleaners; they had to be let out a bit for the Covid 15. All my powers of ju-ju will be focused on a hamate fracture for a certain player.

JM said...

Beanballs are evil, something nobody should want.

However, if you catch a kneecap in just the right spot...or an elbow. Even a hip bone.

Not that I'm endorsing such barbaric behavior. The best revenge on these clowns is simply winning. The larger the margin, the better.

But if you look at a anatomical drawing of a kneecap...

Ken of Brooklyn said...

Now THIS is the series I've been waiting for! And knowing that Winnie has her warbling' pants back from the cleaners, Man O Manischewitz, I will be glued to this site and ALL updates for this momentous week.
I shall also invoke all my powers of Nu-Reverse-Perverse- Death By Roo RooOo JuJu on a certain Asstro player,,,,

HoraceClarke66 said...

Let's remember all the valiant fighting Yankees of the past!

—Babe Ruth jumping into the stands to challenge a taunting fan, in a scene that must have resembled something from King Kong.

—Billy Martin sucker-punching Clint Courtney.

—Billy Martin sucker-punching Jimmy Piersall.

—Graig Nettles belting Bill Lee.

—Mickey Rivers taking potshots at any number of Red Sox during that same brawl.

—Reggie Jackson bear-wrestling John Denny to the ground after Denny threw at him—and Reggie homered off him.

—Graeme Lloyd, "The Fighting Loogy," loping across the outfield grass to slap around Armando Benitez like Humphrey Bogart on Peter Lorre.

—Gary Sanchez fighting whositz over whatsitz in Detroit.

It is legacy of fisticuffs any team can be proud of.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


Don't forget Karim Garcia and Jeff Nelson beating up on that ASSHOLE Red Sox employee who climbed into the Yanks bullpen and started whipping up the Boston crowd.

TheWinWarblist said...

That one was my favourite LBJ!!

Anonymous said...

I don't care if half our team gets hurt. Our players are all made of porcelain anyway, as we all know. I want to see fisticuffs, divine vengeance, truth, justice, the American Way. An old fashioned brawl, fists and fur flying, black eyes and broken noses. The best punishment for the cheaters: how about the loss of all their natural teeth? Send Prince Hal the dental bills. Small price to pay for the sweet taste of vengeance.

The Hammer of God

Anonymous said...

They should put the Hansen Brothers on the roster.

Doug K. (Somewhere in Wyoming)

Retired Stratman said...

And we should sign Tanyon Sturtz just for this series.