Five quick lineup tweaks that will have the Yankees again leading the AL East

Well, we outlasted Ted Cruz! We're not done yet. Here are five quick fixes to restore the Yankees to their rightful place in the baseball firmament.

1. Give beloved franchise President Randy Levine a surprise birthday party - (birthday or not) - and present him with an all-expenses paid flight to a luxury bungalow in the beautiful Marshall Islands. Once he's wings-up, have our "cleaners" in the CIA and News Corp. surgically erase every physical and digital footprint of his past existence. (Similar to what they did with Rob Refsnyder and Malaysian Flight 370.) Without any form of identity, he can eat crabs and live naked and happy in paradise until the shorelines - six feet above sea level - disappear for some reason - certainly not climate change, which right-wing political oil cans like Randy know is a commie hoax.

2. Promote Brian Cashman to the newly vacant position of President. Give him a pay raise, a better parking slot and a blazer that says President. Give him a cap that says President and stationary that says, "From the desk of the President." His new job" Decorating and redecorating the office of the President. He can also rappel down buildings for charity. (I like that in a Yankee President.) He gets to use the Yankee Presidential desktop click-clack.

3. Fire Jay Gould - I mean, Lonn Trost - and everybody who is listed on the Yankee masthead above the first human being with a baseball background. That's Gary Denbo, a former minor league prospect, who runs our farm system. (He's new, so you can't blame him for Cito Culver.)

Check out the bloated, nepotistic, salute to country club cronyism that runs the Yankees. I count 17 names above Denbo.

OK, let's compare the Yankees upper crust to that of a successful franchise. Here's the St. Louis Cardinals' masthead. I count nine poobahs and bean counters above the first baseball people.

How many hundreds of millions of dollars each year go to the top 17 names on the Yankee masthead? The Steinbrenners are billionaires. Their lone duty is to sit atop the mammoth shit-pile. Maybe we should shit-pile smaller?

5. Ooh-ooh! Jumpin' Jehovuzzat! I just got an idea, Muldoon! Hold a surprise party for the Steinbrenners! Give each one an all-expenses paid luxury bungalow in the beautiful Marshall Islands...

Two!!!

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:-(

Insanity

The NY newspapers are all over the " Yankees" for sucking.  In a stupid sort of way.

They are bombarding GM Cashman with questions about Girardi (e.g. " is his job safe?"), and about the multi-millionaires who are all hitting in the .100s with no power.

GM Cashman showed some irritation, apparently, when he said, " right now no one should be concerned about their jobs " ( why the f*** should they, because their outrageous contracts are all guaranteed?).  We have a very good team."

However, sayeth the great phoney:  "  If we don't come around soon (i.e. win some games; get some clutch hits; pitch well, play defense, etc ) I am going to bring in re-enforcements."

Talk about a joke.

 Implying that Cashman can solve anything is to stretch credulity beyond normal limits.
This mess (what we have been seeing on the field) is his best shot.  There are no more bullets in the popgun.  He has no moves to make.

Allowing Cashman to pontificate on any solution to the Yankee's malaise is like asking the devil to outline the entrance qualifications to nirvana.

What are the NY reporters doing?

Don't they get it?

 Don't they know that Cashman is responsible for the mess, and that there are no re-enforcements?  It his his damn responsibility that the team sucks.  It his failure that lets us know there are no Robbie Cano's or  Chin Ming Wongs he can bring up.

Tonight, if it isn't a rainout, we get to hear how great Severino is.

He is our last hope.

The comedy genius of Brian Cashman

“I can tell you they are better than this,” Cashman said. “That is a fact. From an offensive standpoint, we finished second in the league in runs scored and the winter added Starlin Castro and Aaron Hicks. We are obviously better than this. That’s a fact inside the game or outside the game to the casual fan or if you are covering on the media. That is an answer that everybody would easily say. These guys are better than what they are showing.”

Let it rain, let it rain, let it wash this miserable team into the sea

Folks who remember the great Yankee teams of the late 1990s also know a dirty little secret: They came from the catastrophic 14-year Bronx Barf, a near Biblical exodus that bottomed out in 1990. The following year, we drafted first - blew it on Brien Taylor - but in 1992, we picked sixth and found Derek Jeter.

For about five years, the Yankees were universally derided as the worst-run franchise in pro sports.

Folks, here we go again.

And sadly, I say... sooner, the better!

Yep, let it rain. Let the winds blow down this abomination. Let the seas rise, the facades fall, and let the seats of what they call "Yankee Stadium" be filled by the ghosts of Brien Taylor. Every aspect of the 2016 Yankees - from Lonn Trost's entitled view of working fans, to the sorry inability of hitters to bunt against an over-shift - smacks of an institution in need of an overhaul, if not a revolution. Frankly, the only way to change this diseased marriage of nepotism and cronyism is to stack the losses like chord wood and flick a match. Bring it on.

Let's play Chase Headley until his contract ends in 2060. Let's bring up Nick Swisher - sell a few extra tickets; it's all about the Tubmans, right? - and watch him bat .202. Let's just lose until the Steinbrenner family has to grow beards and move to an armed fortress outside of Topeka, having pissed away whatever legacy the team once held. Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1989.

I hate to be this way. I feel like a traitor to the team I have rooted for, prayed for - lived for - since 1960. But I've had enough. This morning, several Yankee blogs are pondering the lineup tweaks we can make to climb out of this rat hole: Bench Headley, bring up Judge, pay for Ellsbury's sex change, blah blah blah. Fuck that. This team doesn't need a tweak. It needs a nuclear bomb. And the worst thing that could happen is a few of our geriatrics get hot, we rise to .500 and then - come the trade deadline - pull in another Alphonso Soriano, in pursuit of that horrible fake carrot - the final Wild Card slot - which we chase into mid-August. Then, next year, we do the whole damn thing over again.

Nope. Not me. I can't take it. Folks, we are trapped in the movie Groundhog Year. Our ownership lives a delusion: The Yankees never have to rebuild, they just magically contend every year, and they don't even need to spend on premier talent, like Yoan Moncada. (YOOOOOOAN MONCADA... SLOOOOOOOOOOOWLY I TURNED...). And what do we get? A .500 mediocrity, which technically pretends to still be in a race.

Folks, we're the baseball equivalent of Ted Cruz.

Nope. Not me. Let it rain. Let the waters rise.

I am now officially rooting against the Yankees. Bring on the apocalypse. Bring on the chaos.

I am become death, destroyer of Yankee worlds.

No. Even worse. I am become Brien Taylor.

When Suzyn loses it

It's not easy watching your team be swept at Fenway.

She must have felt a little like Carly.

You're never too old to learn

Or at least to have things you've long suspected reinforced by someone else.

I'm now about two-thirds of the way through the stathead book I wrote about earlier, and discovered two things (so far) I completely agree with the statheads about. Who knew?

1) When faced with an infield shift, bunt the other way. It works. It kills the shift. Do it more than once and not only do you raise your average, you might get some bunt doubles. And you'll discourage teams from shifting on you, basically killing their annoying habit.

I was surprised to see this because someone in the comments was always raging about how this was completely stupid, that it took away the power of hitters like McCann and Tex, that the power was why we put them up there, yada yada yada. Bullshit. The only problem with the bunting strategy is really that nobody knows how to bunt anymore. Our guys are pathetic at it. Most guys on most teams are. Why? Because it's all about the long ball, it's all about preserving the swing that makes guys so pathetic against the shift, because baseball is a different game than it used to be...whatever the reasons, it's absolutely mind-boggling that somebody can make five or ten or fifteen million dollars a year and not be able to handle a basic skill of the game. Plus, it's fun. And what's even more fun is seeing the gobsmacked look on the other team's face when you're standing at second base and your bunted ball barely made it to third.

I didn't think statheads believed what a lot of us believe about this. We have allies we didn't know of.

2) The way almost every team uses it's closer is moronic.

The going wisdom is that you bring in the closer only when there's a save situation and basically only in the ninth inning. This is so dumb, it's astounding. On a lot of teams, the closer is statistically and in reality the best pitcher on the staff in one to three inning situations. Statistically, Mariano's most effective year as a pitcher was 1996, BEFORE he was the closer, when he used to come in during crucial late innings and stay for more than three outs. Gossage, Fingers and the rest of the guys from their era used to come in anytime after the fifth if the situation called for it.

Simply put, if the most crucial at-bats of a game are in the fifth or sixth or seventh, why wouldn't you bring in your best guy to have the best chance of getting through it? And leave him in if he has the kind of arm that will bounce back quickly the next day or day after. Yes, if you have one of those guys (or a couple of those guys) who have the psychology that they are reserved for the ninth or eight or whatever, you have to respect that. No use screwing with their heads if they're good at what they're doing. But if someone is open to more flexibility, let them be flexible, fer chrissakes.

This wouldn't have helped us in Boston this weekend, since Dellin is awesome and bringing him in was as sure as a sure thing gets in this game. Or would it have? I don't have a little black binder, so I don't know if it might have been a better idea to bring in Miller instead in either one or both instances. One thing is for sure, as the strictly ninth inning guy who only comes in to close out a win, he sure isn't suffering from arm fatigue with this team. Why not bring him out for the eighth or the seventh? Why not let him work two or three innings if he's up for it and cooking? Why not use him when it counts, instead of saving him for a situation that's not going to happen with regularity?

This stuff seems like common sense, but baseball is not a place where common sense has a place of honor. There's a lot of posturing and bullshit and hidebound traditions that kill mediocre (or worse) teams like ours.

If the Yankees are one of the handful of teams truly embracing stats, why aren't we doing it in more ways that actually work, instead of in ways that obviously don't?

Yeah, I guess that's a rhetorical question.

A Different Kind Of Deja Vu

I have to confess that I temporarily lost my mojo last night.

The Yankees kept giving up the lead and getting it back.  The Yankees were scoring some runs.

A-Rod looked like the 27 year old version ( except, of course, he didn't play defense ) of the man.

My probability formula was not designed to deal with a calculation involving more than 2 runs for the Yankees.

Time for an adjustment.

With enough Canadian Whiskey in me,  I was able to see a new, " path to the light,"  make a few changes and substitute the concept of a tie game for the 2 run variable.  If I had been drinking more during my probability theory classes years ago, I might have turned out smart.

At 6-6, therefore, I re-ran the numbers, per my new approach.

The probability of the Yankees overcoming yet another tie, at the 6 run level, in Boston, flashed negative ( I ran the equation several times, as there was margin for error).

It was only then that I turned off the TV.

The predicted outcome was exactly the same as for the previous two games, only different.

How did Joe look in the press conference?

Mayday... Mayday... Mayday.... This isn't mediocrity. This is something far worse.

So here's how it happens: Dellin Betances - unhittable Dellin - gives up the winning blast to a defense-only catcher who hasn't homered since 2014. Our best pitcher blows two games in three nights. Wow.

Listen... this isn't luck. Folks, this isn't talent or even old age.

This, my friends, is the stuff of Fate...

                    FATE
        Whether you're early,
        Or whether you're late,
        It's don't mean shit to Fate.

Listen: There is an overwhelming certainty about the 2016 Yankees, a sense of death by quicksand, which transcends sample size and history. It is the knowledge that somehow, regardless of score and circumstances, this Yankee team is destined to lose. You can read it on the faces of the players. You see it in Girardi's moves. And we all know what's next.

The Yankees will win a few games - (You can't lose 'em all!) They'll show slight electrical pulses in the cortex, as A-Rod did last night, or "No-Hit Nathan" Eovaldi did last week. (As opposed to last night, when he couldn't keep a lead.) They'll start to rectify their course. The YES team will assure us the Yankees are making their move...

And then the injuries will hit.

Yes, the injuries. They're out there, circling our boat like a horde of sharks. The tweaks, the tears, the Tommy Johns, the Lou Gehrigs, the Chuck Knoblauchs and the Muhammad Alis. (Maybe even a CC or a Johnny Manzel?) The collisions, the dives, the sprains.... they're coming.

Think about this: We've achieved the fourth worst record in baseball with a healthy team. We've collapsed without even touching all those bad vibes we've been storing in the juju vault. Soon, that door will pop open, but it won't happen until the players start to hit.

Saturday night, the YES courtiers suggested that the Retrieval Empire should return to the ways of 2005, when they revived a lifeless team by bringing up Joggie Cano and Chien-Ming Wang. I agree. They should bring up Cano and Wang! Trouble is, the 2016 versions are Nick Swisher and Phil Coke. They managed to crush Rob Refsnyder's soul and leave the young OFs with no places to go. The Scranton team - with Kozma, Puello, Parmelee, et al - is barely younger than the Redsock lineup that swept us this weekend.

Folks, the fix is in.

Fourth worst team in baseball, behind Minnesota, Houston and Atlanta. Last in the AL East. Seven games below .500. Old, tired and - worst of all - you can feel it: This is a team of destiny. Wow.

Deja Vu Again

I turn on the TV.

It is the top of the third inning.

We are down 2-0.

I do my calculation on the probability that the Yankees can come back to tie, and then win the game.

I turn off the TV.

How bad is it? Yesterday's minor league game in Tampa was called due to Beyonce

They postponed it because Beyonce was doing a concert nearby.

The critics are raving over this talented Yankee team

NJ.com: "... most embarrassing loss yet." 

Axisa: "... a new low every night..."

Post: "... the very worst kind of NY team."

ESPN: "... no signs of life..."

Girardi: "Enough's enough." 

Trump: "... thugs and criminals... some are professionals..."

Suzyn: "... oh boy..."

John Boehner: "... Lucifer in pinstripes..."

IT IS HIGH: "... disgusting, puss-filled, larvae turd of a team..."

Nietzsche: "... God is dead... but not as dead as these guys..."

John: "... I've been to the Hebrew Home; it's like a college campus..."

A good book with an interesting Yankees connection

I'm about one-third of the way through a book that deserves to be on your shelf next to "O Holy Cow." 

It's called "The Only Rule Is It Has to Work," by Ben Lindbergh and Sam Miller, two self-described statheads besotted by sabermetrics, who last year or the year before acted as GMs of the Sonoma Stompers in a podunk independent (very) minor league.

I've never been a huge fan of the stat-crazed crowd, but something about the whole idea has always intrigued me. Baseball is historically all about numbers, so there's a connection there I can relate to. Plus, it's kind of nerdy, and I guess I am, too. On top of that, "Moneyball" was a great freaking movie.

"The Only Rule" is important not just for a look into the heads of two of the biggest statters out there, nor just for the way it dissects what they did and what worked and what didn't, nor for the way it casually tells you things that are happening in the majors that maybe you haven't heard about.

No, you have to read this because Ben Lindbergh was a stat-crunching intern for the New York Yankees in 2009 and knows a bit about how Cashman's office works. Not that he goes into great detail about it, but let's just say you can see into Cash's brain a bit better because of the reflected light.

The Yankees are one of a handful of teams that have embraced statistical analysis in a big, big way, and since 2010 they haven't exactly been poster children for it. Girardi's little black binders are not an accident or a personal quirk. They're likely an organizational mandate. Cashman's trash heap shopping? You got it. Shades of Billy Beane. And you have to wonder if the signings of McCann, Headley, Ellsbury, Beltran and even Didi and Castro were somehow inspired by number crunching (gone wrong, in most cases).

Anyway, if you're one of the small minority of Americans who still reads books, even if it's on a Kindle, check it out. The weird stuff the Yankees do--you know, the stuff that has all of us shaking our heads in disbelief--isn't an accident, at least a lot of it, I'm guessing. It makes me wonder, though...how can they do what they're doing so badly?

“I really believe we are going to bust out of this. We haven’t yet, and I know I keep saying it. But I really believe in my heart that these guys are going to hit and we are going to score a lot of runs.”

Joe Girardi
April 29, 2016
His final season as Yankee manager

Deja Vu All Over Again

Last night I turned on the game.

It read, 2-2.

I calculated the probability of the Yankees scoring again.

I turned off the TV.

New Yankee hope: Phil Coke

Along with the return of Nick Swisher, Yankee fans can feel bolstered by the knowledge that Phil Coke has shaved his graying beard and is now a lug nut in our starting rotation at Trenton.

Last night, Phil - now age 33 - pitched 5 innings and gave up only 1 run, which was unearned. He is "stretched out," having pitched in an independent league.

In case you're keeping score, last year Phil pitched a total of 12 innings for Toronto and the Cubs, compiling an ERA of 5.68. In his five years with Detroit, after the Yankees dealt him in the Curtis Granderson/Ian Kennedy/Austin Johnson three-way, Phil was a serviceable bullpen lefty, with a an ERA of 4.25.

Welcome home, Phil.

And then the bullpen caved in...

There is a certain glow to a dead team. It's like a creaky cellar door in the haunted house. It beckons you to investigate. Everybody in the theater is yelling, "NO! DON'T GO DOWN THERE!" but you do, anyway. Why not? It's only midnight, you're alone, there's a psychopath loose, and your flashlight keeps failing... so, of course! You go down to see what's there.

Last night, that's how I felt watching the Yankees. My wife was yelling at me: "Why? Why are you doing this? Do you any self-respect?" Of course, she was right. Still, I needed to go. I needed to see for myself. What if someone was still alive down there?

Well, there's nobody's alive down there. It's a cellar full of carcasses, most of which are signed through 2017. Our best hope is that, come July, somebody goes in with a gas can and Bic lighter. We're not just the worst team in NYC. We're the worst team between Atlanta and Nova Scotia. (I'm betting we'd lose to the Syracuse Chiefs in a seven-game series.) And still, I watched...

And it was so perfect, so clean, so primal. 

We led early on, as we always do.

We let a struggling pitcher off the hook, as we always do.

We let them back in the game, as we always do.

We suddenly stopped hitting, as we always do.

And finally... we found a new way to lose, as we always do.

Joe Girardi - our "Lucifer in the flesh" - says it's only a matter of time before this team hits. And he's right. One of these days, they'll score 21 runs. Everybody will pad their numbers, so they can't be singled out on the Jumbotron. But when it matters, everybody disappears. This is a ghost team, and who cares which door we open? They all lead to the cellar, and it's really dark down there.

Yankee barf machine already pushing 2017

It looks like a Met year. Today, the Gray Lady anoints them as NYC's better team, and the way the Yanks are floundering, you half expect them to add Carly Fiorina to the ticket. (I think the signing of Nick Swisher was the baseball equivalent of Cruz adding Carly.) This weekend, we hit Boston, which is already trying to look "presidential." Can Suzyn play the Woman Card?

It looks ugly. In mid-May, Aroldis Chapman's woman-choking, garage-shooting ban ends. Unfortunately, El Chapo is at the wrong end of the pitching staff. With him, Miller and Dellin, we have the nuts, chocolate sauce and cherry - but it's still a banana split without ice cream.

But I am here to say the Yankee propaganda mill is alive and well. In Scranton, manager Al Pedrique is explaining away Aaron Judge's less-than-encouraging month of April.

"He has no issues when they throw him a fastball inside," Pedrique said. "His hands are quick enough that he's going to be able to drive the ball to the left-center gap all over the park. It's a matter of time until he feels comfortable where he can do something with those pitches middle away and drive it the other way.

A matter of time. Unfortunately, time takes too long, sometimes. Judge is 24 - no phenom anymore, in his second tour of Triple A. His average has dipped to .267 - small sample size - but he's striking out at an intolerable 33 percent rate. I'm not giving up on him, but if Judge burns another year in coal country, waiting for Beltran to mulch, we're looking at another Yankee prospect on the wrong side of 25.

Today, the hype apparatus is selling a new Luis Severino. His name is Domingo Acevido, who is 6'7" and sure fills a cab. The new head of the farm system, Gary Denbo says.

"He looks like he's going to move quickly through the organization."

(Jeez. I can remember when Denbo was a prospect with Cinncinati. If anybody understands being stuck in a farm system, he does.) Acevido is 22 with a 2.21 ERA in four starts. Supposedly, he once hit 103 on the radar gun. If so, they better move him fast and get some of those bullets, before the ghost of Tommy John arrives to claim him.

Sadly, there is no breakout prospect in Trenton or Scranton who could generate buzz. There is a pitcher at Trenton - Dietrich Enns - on a 23-inning scoreless streak. But he turns 25 next month. Baseball America says of Enns:

Never rated among the Yankees’ Top 30 prospects, Enns is pitching his way into consideration, despite pedestrian stuff. 

Yep. All he does is get guys out. Generally, Yankee scouts discount performance, trusting their superior instincts, which are evidenced in the team's incredible success rate at developing players. Do I sound cynical?

To supplement your Ken Phelps doll

For whatever it's worth, there is also the Dodgers Barbie and a Cubs Barbie. No Redsock or Met Barbie.

We still lead in the Barbie AL East.

Last Night, I Finally Did Something Right....

This may be my shortest post ever;

Last night, I turned on the TV to see it was a 2-2 game.  I said to myself, " we only score 2, so this game is over."

I changed channels to watch, "Naked and Afraid."  Two assholes attempting to survive in the jungles of Guatemala for 21 days.  No clothes, no food, no water.  Usually, with a machete and a map.

A man & a woman, by the way.  Sort of.  Thank 6th Avenue that clothes were invented.

I concluded that watching people get eaten by bugs and vomiting, is better than watching the Yankees try to survive a 2-2 tie.

No more Yankee idiocy.

Beached boys: The two run-run-run, the two run-run

The Master is wrong. You can predict baseball.

It's easy. All you need to do is wait for the Bronx Boredoms to score two runs, and then announce, "That's our show, thanks for coming, Miami Beach is the greatest audience in the world! Goonight, everybody!"

Listen: It's not even May 1, and I'm ready to shout MAYDAY. I am already sick of this team, this season, and this insufferable, Godot-like wait for some ray of hope. Every team we face unveils a 21-year-old rising star, the likes of whom - were he a Yankee - would generate apocalyptic 24-7 coverage by the YES mush machine. Instead, we're supposed to get excited about reclaiming scrap heap projects that have been kicked to the curb by their previous teams.

No. I take it back. We're supposed to sit happily and wait for A-Rod, Tex, CC, Headley, Ellsbury, Nova, et al, to start producing - even though it will only mean short term benefits if they do. It will mean we will justify burning another three months, as each climbs toward his concrete ceiling, which has been steadily caving in due to age and injuries. How many HRs does A-Rod hit this year? Twenty-five? With a batting average of .240? Is that our third hole DH? Each one deserves to shine in a supporting cast of emerging stars. Instead, they're packed like Syrian refugees into the same leaky boat, lost at sea and headed for collapse.

Worse, it's just so boring. The Yankees are a HR/K team in a HR/K sport. We score when someone hits a homer. Our pitcher dominate - lots of Ks - except for the occasional mistakes, which fly out of the park. Joe Girardi blames the over shift. The fans simply mourn the death of the adaptive player, the Lou Pinella or Roy White. They say you can't teach old dogs new tricks. At some point, you gotta put the dog down. Two runs a game. Last place. Mayday. Mayday. Mayday...

"Alex Rodriguez, CC Sabathia show signs of life in another loss"

And that, friends, is the upbeat headline on ESPN's recap of last night's game. The gist of the column was that 2009 is a long, long time ago, but for $45 million the Yanks need Alex and CC to be as mediocre as possible this year if the team is to have a chance.

We're in last place. I know you know, and you know that I know that you know, but just to reiterate our position.

This may be the year. The 50 year symmetry.

Joe Girardi wants to ban defensive over-shifts. What other rule changes would help the Yankees?

1. No teams allowed to field players under age 30.

2. Teams can no longer bunt or hit to the opposite field.

3. All scoring must come via home runs.

4. Teams not allowed to score after the fourth inning.

5. Pitchers must allow batters to hit the way they did in 2009.

What am I missing?

John & Suzyn are going into The Hall

The New York State Broadcasters Association Hall of Fame.

What? You thought it was for the Hebrew Home at Riverside?

Adam Warren is on the verge of joining the Cubs rotation

He hasn't yielded a run this year.

Not complaining about the Starlin Castro deal. But, considering all the self-congratulations the Yankees have foisted upon the fan base... just sayin.'

If I Hear One More Compliment......

.........from David Cone, or Curt Schilling about the potential, the arm strength, and the Hall-Of-Fame level output of Luis Severino, my 12 gauge is going to come out of the closet.

Seriously, as Severino was failing every test last night, Coney kept on his rant about how great this young player was going to be.  We got to watch him load the bases , with two outs, in a one run game. We got to see him walk in a run.  We got to see a bases clearing hit up the gap and, when the Rangers finally missed a pitch, the third out was registered. Mind now, this out was a mistake on Texas' part.

Now it was 6 runs on the board for Texas.  Luis just registered an "F" on all his, "Coney tests."

So this game was over in the third inning. ( Unlike Pineda, the other day, who had the game lost in the 1st inning).  So that is progress?  That is our future?  This is a player to acclaim?  This is another failure, I say.

Coney kept raving about Severino's, "90 plus change-up" ( that was off the plate for ball 4 ); and "what a great learning experience this was for the youngster" ( e.g. if he could get out of bases loaded and two outs, without letting Texas score.) I swear, when he could get the ball into the strike zone, it was a meat ball, dripping with gravy.  And Texas lit him up, every time.

When Severino needed to show his mettle, the big out didn't happen.  The out pitch didn't exist.

HIs pitch count was more than 30 in the third inning alone.  That fat guy who still pitches for the Mets is many times better than that!  Didn't we just see a 23 year old dominate the Yankees?  Luis will be 4-12.

This kid has zero command and gives me no hope at all for the future.  Maybe he can become another Dellin Bettances ( convert from starter to reliever ).   That way, if he can go the 6th inning with success, we only need starters to go 4-5 innings.  Of course, when we average 2 runs of offense per game, we need exceptional work all the time.

From now on, let's speak of him as our high prospect bum.  Just another example of Yankee public relations department, " flash and dash," but no substance.  Trade bait, whose appeal is now dirt.

 Send him to Scranton and see if he can pitch in relief.

I would rather we had Adam Warren.

Every hopeful 2016 scenario depended on Luis Severino becoming a solid pitcher. Now... ?

Barring a four-game win streak, the Bronx Boredoms will finish April with a losing record, and quite probably at the bottom of the AL East.  Thus far, no divisional power has emerged, but that will change. This weekend, we hit Fenway, where Boston has won 5 of 7. If something doesn't change, God help us.

Last night, so bleak was the Yankee outlook that John and Suzyn spent most of their time appealing to God for rain. (I wanted hail.) Early on, they recognized our only chance. When this team falls behind by six, root for earthquakes, asteroids, Hitchcocking bird attacks, whatever... just don't waste your breath rooting for a rally.

This morning, as a means of self-torture (the waterboard is broken), I looked up our "Yankee batting leaders." What a joke. Our "top hitter," Starlin Castro, is at .278 - a virtual mirror of last year's team, which was led by Beltran at .276. Castro also "leads" the team in RBIs... with 11. That ranks him 60th in MLB. Sixtieth. Right now, Beltran, Tex and A-Rod - together - have 9 HRs - as many as Bryce Harper. Each is being out-homered by Houston's Jose Altuve,.. all 5 feet 5 inches of him.

I looked it up: Chase Headley (batting .157) has as many stolen bases as Brett Gardner.

Today, eight Yankee pitchers are tied for the team lead in wins.. with one apiece. That leads to this incredible graphic on the team's pitching stats page:

Yep. CC is listed as the team "leader" in wins.

And then there is Luis Severino. Last night, he was certifiably bombed. He is now 0-3 with an ERA close to 7.00. It was the second documented torching in his brief MLB career.  Last September, in the waning days of the race, Toronto dropped six runs on him in two innings. Until then, he hadn't been cuffed around in all of 2015 - not in Trenton or Scranton. Now, in his last 10 outings - spanning the winter - he's been rocked twice.

He's 22. There's still hope - unless we learn tomorrow that something hurts. Still, hope is not easy to find with this team. We've got a five-man rotation with three question marks, and a lineup full of nothing but past glories. I can't even figure out if this is a team worth cheering... or if we're better off collapsing and trading for next year, or 2018.

When you spent the last decade vowing to upgrade your farm system and build from within - and now, the apocalypse is looming - that's a bad sign. Ah, but what do I know? I'm just a fan, looking at the stats.

On Top of Everything: A poem by John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman

ON TOP OF EVERYTHING

By John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman

JOHN:

Bianca Nieves of the Bronx is today’s
Yankees Radio Network ACME’s Market
Home Run Payoff Contestant.
Pitch is inside, which is a mouthful,
but at ACME that’s a good thing.

And Bianca will win a one hundred dollar
ACME Markets gift card for every home run hit.
Two one to Andrus, one out, no one on,
Bottom of the second, one nothing Texas,
Pitch grounded foul at home plate, two and two.

SUZYN:

And when Severino struck out Moreland,
that was Sevy’s first strikeout of the game.
And Winthrop University Hospital reminds you
that they strike out cancer with their
Cyberknife technology. Winthrop University Hospital:
Your health means everything.

JOHN:

We’re on top of everything. 

April 26, 2016
Arlington, Texas

Eovaldi eovolves; Kaprielian kapitulates

Last night, the Bronx Boredoms finally came up with a wake-up pill for fans and a reason for the Comcast corpos to curse the darkness:

Flirt with a no-hitter. Take that, Beyonce!

(By the way: When Joggie Cano watches Beyonce's new video, in which she smashes storefronts over Jay-Z's infidelity - with a baseball bat, no less - do you think he has second-thoughts about having thrown in with the Cash-Is-King "sports agent" and loped off to Seattle, home to the warning track out?)  

Wait, yes... the no-hitter! Last night, Nathan Eovaldi nearly threw one, again proving he's great when he doesn't suck. (The Yankees have three Great Or Suck pitchers: Ivan Nova, Michael Pineda and Eovaldi.) I'd started to think of making Eovaldi the fourth rail in the Yankee bullpen stopper collection, with Dellin, Miller and El Chapo. Now, he's secure in the rotation for at least a month. In the 2016 Yankee meritocracy, one quality start wins you at least a month of starts.

But the daily downer is that 22-year-old James Kaprielian - who River Avenue follows with a widget, the Refsnyderian Curse - pinged something in his elbow and will spend the next two weeks in the milk bath. Publicly, we knew Kaprielian was 16 months from the Bronx. Privately, we wanted to see him this August. Now, we might not see him for three years, or ever - the Manny Banuelos Experience - which leaves us with Ian Clarkin - age 21, pitching in Tampa - as our last "blue chip" pitching prospect. (He's thrown 23 innings, 2-1, with 2.35 ERA.) Does he inherit Kaprielian's widget?

What's wrong with us? Sunday, the Tampa Rays unveiled 23-year-old Blake Snell, the latest in a conga line of young arms. Isn't it time to ask what the Rays are doing on the other side of Tampa? Are they drinking from a different water system? Should we check the pipes for lead? Can't we send a hot secret agent to infiltrate a Rays bar and pry loose their secrets?

Finally, we won last night with three runs. We have a three-run attack, which usually means three HRs. Generally, teams with anemic offenses play small ball. Remember the old LA Dodgers with Maury Wills and Junior Gilliam, and the famous "Dodger Homer?" A guy draws a walk, steals second, gets bunted to third, scores on a sac fly. We have the "Yankee Single." A guy homers, nobody on, and that's our single run of the game.

Still in last, but Baltimore has now lost 6 of its last 10. It's a .500 division. Boring, unless the line score says no hits.

A poem by John and Suzyn

SOLO SHOT

By John Sloss Sterling and Suzyn Waldman

JOHN:

Here is the three one to Ellsbury.
Swung on, hit high in the air to right field.
That ball is high...
        It is far...
               It is… gone!
Into the Tiger Stadium lower deck!
Jacoby hits one!
He Ells-buries it in the right field seats!
O, everything is Jake with Jacoby!
He homers to give the Yankees
a one nothing lead.

SUZYN:
And that’s a big load off of his chest,
his first home run, he’s got a big smile,
did you hear the fans here?
Is everybody from New York
in this building?
There’s not a lot of them,
but there’s an awful lot
of New Yorkers in here.

JOHN:
Sounds it, huh?

SUZYN:
Solo Shot, your automatic cameraman!
No standing on the sidelines for hours,
pointing a camera.
Solo Shot points the camera automatically.
Visit Solo Shot dot com to learn more.

Yes, that was a solo shot.

April 25, 2016
Yankees v. Rangers, third inning
Globe Life Stadium, Arlington, Texas
(not Tiger Stadium)

The Wrong People Are Getting Hurt !!

The day after Brad Pinder met with Dr. Andrews, the Yankees scheduled another office visit for our top pitching prospect, and recent number 1 draft pick, Jim Kaprelian.


The official word is that an MRI saw some swelling in his elbow and the medical community has suggested, " rest and plenty of water."

So the process extends and prolongs.  Sometimes, a prospect becomes an old guy with very little tread on his tires by the time this game of wait and see ends.

It is my strong gut feeling that Kaprelian will soon be asking for the , " two for one," discount at Dr. Andrews' clinic.

And these serious career setbacks are happening to all our young, developing players.

What about the old and slow?

Gimme a break!

Young Alphonso

It's time for your Yankees Indian Point Nuclear Reactor Power Report, brought to you by Indian Point Nuclear Reactor

A glowing review. 

Fourteen others tied with "0."

Get to know your immediate future

Lane Adams is 26 years old and briefly played in the majors for Kansas City in 2014. A strapping, good-looking lad (sorry, girls, he's taken!), Lane is hitting a more than respectable .286 for Scranton/WilkesBarre/
Old Forge/Taylor/Moosic/Duryea/Avoca/Dupont, with a nimble .348 OBP and .333 slugging percentage. Although he trails the team's leading slugger, Nick Swisher, who has posted a .382 BA with 2 HRs in 34 at-bats, or catcher Gary Sanchez's 27 total bases in 52 ABs, Lane is a feared competitor who is willing to push his 6'3", 220-pound frame if it can make a difference to the team. 

Smooth and slick in the outfield, the fleet-footed Lane has handled 13 putouts flawlessly for the RailRiders and notched an assist with his howitzer of a right arm. (The site MLB Trade Rumors is high on his "strong defensive chops"!) He is coming off what is arguably his best year ever, hitting .298 with a solid 12 HRs in 97 games for the double-A Northwest Arkansas Naturals.

On the personal front, Lane describes himself on Twitter as "Outfielder. Oklahoman. Slugging % enthusiast," and a lover of "all things Real Estate and Biomechanics." So he'll appreciate the New York-area property market and be able to put his biomechanical skills to work in the crowded Yankees training room. A class act, he tweeted his gratitude to the KC Royals when they released him, and is excited to be with the Yankees organization. He still follows his alma mater Red Oak High School basketball team, Class B state champs for 2016.

RailRiders fans may have seen Lane zipping toward the park from the player parking lot on his scooter, just another example of his happy-go-lucky sense of humor. (On Twitter, he joked that Marco Rubio wasn't a good candidate because you have to manually hold down the handle when you pump gas in Florida--well, it made us laugh!)

A good guy, smart player and devoted husband, Lane Adams keeps an ear cocked toward the clubhouse phone for the call he knows is coming -- along with another shot at the Big Show. Even outside of Northwest Arkansas, he is truly a "Natural" destined for Yankees pinstripes. 

This is what catastrophe looks like

Well, we are here...

Our nose is pressed to the microwave window, the power is on full, and the aluminum foil is starting to spark.

Yesterday, A-Rod diddled an oblique. He follows Aaron Hicks, who jammed a shoulder. That's what the Tower of Power is telling us. Of course, the Yankees so comfortably lie about injuries that nobody - not even the breathless, lapdog courtiers of YES - believe them anymore. The two bats who were going to save us from lefty pitching - they're out, and it's still April.

Last winter, the Retrieval Empire boasted two stockpiles of young talent. First, was the list of outfielders at Scranton, which would rescue us when Gardner,  Ellsbury and Beltran inevitably went down. We had Slade Heathcott, Mason Williams, Ben Gamel, Aaron Judge and Jake Cave - so many OFs that they overflowed to Trenton.

Gone.

Right now, replacements for A-Rod and Hicks have boiled down to the aging, creaky, Kardashianesque Nick Swisher - who in the last two years hasn't hit higher than .208 - and/or Lane Adams, a 26-year-old career minor league hubcap. Everybody else is hurt, left-handed or not ready. (Judge fans 31 percent of the time.) We're already turning over rocks. And it's still April.

Our other talent overload was the "Scranton Shuttle," the young arms who would yo-yo back and forth, (there's a reason the team is called the Railriders) whenever the bullpen went poof. We had a pile. Not anymore. It looks like Brandon Pinder is following Nick Rumbelow and Jacob Lindgren to surgery, while Tyler Olsen is getting relentlessly hammered, and Scranton is so thin with pitchers that yesterday, it trotted out 28-year-old Tyler Cloyd and 29-year-old Richard Blier, to throw the entirety of a 7-4 loss. And it's still April.

As we wait for Aroldis Chapman, it's time to wonder where this team will be after the next nine games, all on the road, against Texas, Boston and Baltimore. We can't hit lefties. We can't hit situationally. We have one consistent starting pitcher. The injuries are just beginning. Nobody in the minors is breaking out. And it's April, still April, dear God, it's still April.

This is what catastrophe looks like.

" Captain, We Are Taking On Water....."

The Yankee comeback got de-railed today, and the pitching of Michael Pineda was, shall we say, negative?

One has to wonder;  If Michael Pineda gives up more homers in five innings, than Jesus hits all year in the minors of majors, did we win the trade?

If Michael tags the Yankees with a loss after one inning of work, is it better having him on the field in the Bronx or having Jesus in Buffalo somewhere?  I mean, if Nick Swisher had pitched, the Yankees likely would have done better.

My point here is that having someone on a team can, sometimes, be worse than not having a player on your team.

Pineda is being paid millions, right?  Guaranteed millions, no matter how he performs?

If having him, say, in Florida instead of NYC meant that the team got more wins than if he was pitching for us, isn't it, " good baseball," to move him to Florida?  Or Nigeria?  Or to go salmon fishing in the Yemen?

In other words, if the guy you have ( Pineda) does more harm to your club than the guy you don't have does to anyone, aren't you worse off?

I'm just trying to re-start the debate.  I am thinking we lost this trade.

By the way, we got a run today.  Oh, and Alex pulled on oblique muscle.  Oh, and one of our Scranton shuttle guys ( Brad Pinder?  Bad Pinder? ) gets , " The Dr. Andrews visit," tomorrow.

Oh, and that Hicks/ Nicks guy is going to have serious shoulder problems.  This is not a 4-5 day thing.

I say bring up that kid who hit really well last year at Scranton, and whose name no one can ever recall.

Who needs to watch Judge strike out three times, while we are hoping he can be good?

Just Piñata being Piñata

5 innings, 10 hits, 7 runs, all earned. 4 walks and only 3 strikeouts.

First Sterling poem of 2016:

(Submitted by Mr. Layman)

BY BOOK OR CROOK

By John Sloss Sterling

The Yankees,
By book or by crook,
Must score this run;
They've loaded the bases

On two walks
And a catcher's interference,
Which you don't see
for months!


April 23, 2016
Yankee Stadium
Tampa v. Yankees

REMEMBER: IF YOU HEAR SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING

For posterity... Gardy's yardy party

A starting gate comparison of Yoan Moncada to the top Yankee prospects

In case you are interested...

The one that got away - Yoan Moncada - is hitting .357 with 13 stolen bases for Boston's advanced Single A team in the Carolina League. Moncada is 20 and playing 3B. He has no HRs on the season. It's too bad the Yankees didn't sign him, but - hey - Hal Steinbrenner just didn't have the money. There's nothing you can do... if you just don't have the money.

For comparison sake, our top hitter thus far in advanced Single A is Mike Ford, a 23-year-old 1B, who is hitting .371 with two home runs at Tampa. Our second best producer, statistically, in Tampa is Billy Fleming, a 23-year-old secondbaseman. He is batting .357, no HRs. Both are a bit old for their levels.

Our top hitter at Double A is Jose Rosario, a 24-year-old 2B. He is batting .310.

At Scranton, Aaron Judge is hitting .302. He's 23. He has 2 HRs.

In low single A, our leading hitter is Trey Amburgey, a 21-year-old outfielder. He is hitting .327. He has a home run.

Certainly, the season will be long enough for several Yankee prospects to emerge. But thus far, nobody is turning heads like Moncada. It's a shame the Yankees couldn't afford him. But that's what happens when you have no money, right?

Watched Swish and Aaron Judge play yesterday in Syracuse and... hmmm...

What can be said about one game? Nine silly innings. Three stupid hours. Not even a small sample size. More an eency-weency sample molecule. There is nothing to say. One game. Screw it boys, we'll get 'em tomorrow! Right?

Let's hope.

Yesterday, in Syracuse - winner of 2015-16 Golden Snowball - we saw the leviathan: Tall as the wall in right field, the gigantic Aaron Judge came to play at the city's famed Your Name Here Stadium. And that's where the story turns ugly: He fanned swinging three times - once on a pitch in his eyes - and popped up harmlessly in the fourth at bat. Each time, Judge swung mightily, with long, buttery, unraveling strokes, sending thick waves of air in the direction of Canada. It was not pretty.

Meanwhile, Nick Swisher patrolled first base like the ghost of Dick Stuart. Ground balls went by him, under him and through him. The official scorer - a cousin? - awarded Swish only one error. That was a gift basket from the Syracuse Up-Downtowners. He deserved three. At one point, it almost seemed Swisherian brain-lock - he batted down a ball, couldn't pick it up, and pretzel-ed himself into sort of a backwards semi-cartwheel. The crowd enjoyed it. Very entertaining. It led to two runs.

OK, it's just one stupid, ridiculous snapshot of a game, right? Certainly, we all understood that Swisher needs a few innings at first base. And Aaron Judge is an emerging project who - get this - is still hitting .303... not too shabby.

But they didn't look good, folks. Maybe today.

By the way, Gary Sanchez smacked two hits, including a double. And Rob Refsnyder still technically exists, though he now plays third-base and is hitting .200. (That's 41 points higher than Chase Headley, but don't get me started...) 

The textbook 9-3-2-6-2-5 triple play

To celebrate the bard's 400th: STEINBRENNER IN LOVE

Frank Cammuso and I did this for the NY Times, long ago... like 1999.

ACT I, SCENE I. February. In a field. Thunder and lightning.

RIZZUTO: Single, double; bullpen trouble.

Owner burn and pitcher bubble.

Though great'st by far his minions be,

They're not great'st by far, enough, for he.

What huckl'berries these mortals be!

YOGI: 'Tis deja vu -- again, I see...

19 out of 22 strikeouts: Dellin Betances is approaching historical domination

Can Ellsbury save his Yankee soul?

After Curt Schilling and the New Kids on the Block, no ex-Bostonians have more disgusted the Yankee fan base than the guy we signed as a distraction to Robbie Cano's farewell jog to Seattle. Of course, I mean Jacoby Ellsbury - thus far, one of the worst Yankee free agent acquisitions in humanity's Kardashian Era, and trust me here: When we talk about ranking Yankee disappointments, the bar is high.

Thursday, even on the generally upbeat River Ave blog, Mike Axisa was outlining potential trades that would make Ellsbury disappear. When River Ave is looking to dump you, that's a bad sign. That's looking up and seeing "Surrender, Dorothy." Not even Alphonso plots trades; (he'd rather boil them in oil.) And yet... this morning Axisa can be found waxing over Ellsbury's "Signature Yankee Moment." 

And he's right. It was Friday night's electrifying - and incredibly stupid? - steal of home against Tampa. Ellsbury ran on a full count and two outs, with two runners in scoring position, and Brett Gardner at bat. How does a runner attempt to steal home in such a scenario? If the pitcher throws a strike... dear God. Gardner either takes strike three - inning over -  or he swings and potentially fractures his teammate's skull. There's a reason why guys don't steal home on 3-2 counts with two outs.

So what happened? Ellsbury stole home! The place exploded. It was incredible... but it raises a legitimate question: Did Ellsbury not know the count was 3-2? 

And yet... who cares? HE DID IT! He pulled it off! If a strategy works, forget the insanity, right?

Well... yeah. I'm in. If Gardner had been forced to take strike three, or if Ellsbury were called out at the plate, today's tabloids would be going wild, and NYC talk radio would be re-enacting the 2004 movie "Hotel Rwanda," (remember killing the cockroaches?) This could well have been the end of the Jacoby Ellsbury era in New York. That's the chance he took.

But he did it.

So... I ask you: Is this his Giambi grand slam? Is this Coney perfect game? Is this the moment that finally anoints Jacoby Ellsbury as a Yankee for life? Because we haven't yet seen one.

Is this the game that turns him around. He's still batting only .255 with no home runs and four stolen bases. Yesterday, Ellsbury was even benched against the lefty. He only played because Aaron Hicks hurt himself on a dive. Last night, we witnessed one of the ballsiest career gambles in Yankee memory. Last night, did something happen?

Meet the new loss. Same as the old loss.

It's Groundhog Day. We play the same losing game, over and over.

We score first. Our starter looks unhittable. We miss a few scoring chances. Some mediocre hitter for the other side whacks a home run.

Then, slowly, exasperatingly, our lineup falls asleep, and everything unravels.

This is the Yankees of 2016. (Not much removed from 2015 and 2014 and 2013.)

We have perhaps the best bullpen in baseball... yet no lead is safe.

We have some of the highest-paid sluggers in the game... and a vacancy sign in the lineup.

"The Yankees are now five and nine... ouch," John Sterling said last night. "I know it's early, but nobody wants to begin the season that way."

Comcast must be laughing at this team. Rupert Murdoch - the owner of YES - must be throwing chairs through windows. (Or, more likely, Jerry Hall is.) At least Lonn Trost won't have to worry about poor people wanting to see games. Nobody wants to see these games.

I say, bring it on, juju gods. If this in the year of the collapse, let it happen. All the way. Don't hold back. Let's wash these stables clean. Let it fall into the ocean. Somewhere out there are young players who will revitalize the Yankees, and maybe a new owner who will have a plan. The Yankees are what happens when Nepotism weds Cronyism. They should move this franchise to North Korea.

Up there, having a talk: 25 years ago, Phil Rizzuto spun a poem about Prince

From O Holy Cow: The Selected Verse of Phil Rizzuto, by Mustang and me.