Friday, October 23, 2015

Nobody likes us, and our team sucks, but if anybody puts on a Met cap, they're hereby banned from this site

(Courtesy of George W. Bush)
That's right - "banned from this site." We can do it. We know who you are. Alphonso didn't work all those years in the CIA without picking up a few tidbits. We know where you live and what you're wearing on your head.

We know whether you've been dressing up in your cute little blue and orange pantaloons and gone out wearing your little happy-fan Met cap.

That's right. Met cap. Not Mets cap. Met cap. As in "Met fan." As in Met.

If we see any of you sashaying around in your "happy-fan" Met gear - you're done. Understand? You're out. We're banning you, cutting you off. Get out! Go away! SHOO! And don't come back. We don't need you or your kind. We don't want you. You were never a Yankee fan. You were an infiltrator.

If you find one of these newly minted "New York sports" fans - until recently, they wore Yankee caps, but now, they're on the Met ticket - cut them off. An old fashioned shunning, that's what I say! Actually, if I had my way, they'd get hauled down to Scummy Pond and dunked. A few rotten tomatoes would do wonders for their complexion. They'll run up to you, all chirpy, and say, "Hey, what have you been up to?" You say: Go to hell. They'll say, "Did you see the game last night?" You: Go to hell.

Unfriend them. Unlearn them. Unknow them. That's right. "Hey, is somebody here? Did somebody say something? Because there's nobody here. I sure don't see anyone." Wait until they leave. Then lock the door and turn out the lights. Big Freeze. We'll be better off. They were never Yankee fans. They never cared. They were never of the cloth. They don't get to debate on who should be our next secondbaseman. They don't get to vote in our Refsnyder Primary. If you ever find them watching Centerstage with Michael Kay, snap off the TV and smash the remote. They are not YES men. They are NObodies.

Listen: It's going to be a long, hard, desperate lonely road. Everybody hates us. We have no friends. We're led by a band of total idiots. We'll probably never see another Yankee World Championship in our lifetimes. We'll never win anything. But as long as we're trapped in this dungeon - without light, without water, without food - the least we can do is a little ethnic cleansing! That's right. Let's tie somebody to a street sign. No compromises! The honorable thing to do is sit here in our own urine, spit on the walls, and DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE. It's just a Met fan, calling to cackle. It won't work. We're happy here. I'm so happy I could sing. Lalalalala... LALALALA... Hear me? This is great! I'm so happy...

9 comments:

ceeja said...

Dear Lord Duque: I too can feel the hate.

-- Skywalker

Ken of Brooklyn said...

Dear Lord Duque Voldemort, I vill slither at your commmmmand, un eye tu feel zee hate.

Anonymous said...

AMEN....AMEN, EL DUQUE!!!! I HAVE BEEN USING THAT WORD "INFILTRATORS" WHEN IT COMES TO THOSE PEOPLE FOR YEARS! ALL THE MET FLAGS, MET T-SHIRTS, MET KEYCHAINS, MET JACKETS, MET DOG BOWLS, MET HATS, EVERYTHING METS, IS ALL OVER THE PLACE. IT'S FUCKING SICKENING....I'M HEARING MET FANS EVERYWHERE SAYING HOW THEY ARE GOING TO THE PARADE...HOW THEY WON'T MISS THE PARADE...HOW THERE'S NO WAY THEY WILL LOSE NOW....I HATE TO SAY THIS BUT..................AN AMERICAN LEAGUE WORLD SERIES VICTORY THIS YEAR, MAY ALMOST, ACTUALLY RIVAL THE PLEASURE OF A YANKEE PLAYOFF SERIES WIN!!! ...

Cool Ra-oooul said...

This article demonstrates the typical level of graciousness I have come to expect from Mets fans when it comes Mets-Yankees relations:

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/22/nyregion/mets-fans-bristle-as-their-pinstriped-cousins-muscle-in-on-their-moment.html?_r=1

And that's exactly what I would expect from a fanbase that spontaneously chants "Yankees Suck" during a midseason home game against the Cincinnati Reds.

And I'll never forget when a certain Mets fan told me in October 2009 that he would be rooting for the Phillies, a hated division rival whose players, esp. Rollins, had mercilessly and repeatedly taunted the Mets that very year, against the Yankees in the WS. Rooting for a division rival against a cross-town team from a different league?! What? That mentality makes absolutely no sense to me.

So, in summary, screw those guys.

Anonymous said...

WAY TO GO COOL RA-OOOUL!

John M said...

They have Mets dog bowls? That sounds pretty good.

Do we have dog bowls?

Ken of Brooklyn said...

Of course we do John, LOL!!!!!!!!!!!
http://shop.mlb.com/product/index.jsp?productId=46740306&pla=pla_19550697&KPID=19550697

Anonymous said...

WE GOT DOG BOWLS! WE GOT DOG BOWLS!!!! LOL!

Alphonso said...



Dear Mustang…..Do we need to do another "team substitution" for the series? Isn't it the only way we can watch it?

Another SUBWAY SERIES !

The Royals could easily become the Yankees with Jacoby our lead-off hitter in game one. I'm going to play with a line-up.

Is the first game at the stadium or on the road?