Friday, October 30, 2015

On "the team of a thousand whiffs," the winner of the 2015 IT IS HIGH YANKEE WIND TURBINE OF THE YEAR is...

From the continuing IT IS HIGH awards banquet, hosted by Shia LeBeouf and the late Bea Arthur, (via holographic projection...)

Ladies and gentlepersons, each of the nominees for 2015 Yankee Wind Turbine of the Year achieved greatness in the ceremonial gripping and swishing of his mighty bat. Together, these "swingers" contributed more than 600 strikeouts to the Yankee offense, nearly half the team's total of 1,227.

As the Royals near a World Series ring by putting the ball into play, tonight we honor those who would rather choke than choke up... who prefer to take their long, self-pleasuring hacks and then saunter back to the warm seat.

These nominees generated the most strikeouts. The winner, though, has the highest whiff average. The nominees are - and I ask the audience to refrain from catcalling until all are named -

Chase Headley (135 Ks)
Brett Gardner (135 Ks)
Alex Rodriguez (145 Ks)
Brian McCann (97 Ks)
Jacoby Ellsbury (86 Ks)

May I have the fan-velope please.

And the winner is... AROD, with a strikeout average of .234... Yankee Wind Turbine of the Year!

A-Rod can't be here, because he's providing expert advice at the World Series. Accepting the award is former Yankee slugger Ron Kittle.

[Note: Several other Yankees deserve recognition for their whiff averages. They didn't receive enough plate appearances to qualify for the award. But Greg Bird (.298), Brendan Ryan (.282), John Ryan Murphy (.250) and Chris Young (205) fanned the fans.]

[For the record: Headley's K average (.210) Gardner (.206), Ellsbury (.172), Teixeira (.184), and McCann (.181).]

When they weren't beating the ball into the defensive over-shifts, frankly, it just didn't matter: They were swinging and missing. And to think that we had two (2!) batting coaches!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Column has become absolute bullshit.