The nominees for the 2015 Yankee IT IS HIGH Gopher Ballsman Award - that is, the Yankee pitcher who surrendered the most soul-crushing, spine-sapping, TV-kicking-in home run balls this past season - are...
CC Sabathia (applause)
Masahiro Tanaka (applause)
Chasen Shreve (wild applause)
I would ask that the audience, in respect to the nominees, refrain from your applause at this time...
Chris Capuano (dead silence)
Esmil Rogers (mild applause)
A drum roll please...
And the winner is... a threesome!... CC Sabathia, Masahiro Tanaka and Chasen Shreve!
Accepting the award for Misters Sabathia, Tanaka and Shreve is Edwar Ramirez...
Each winning Yankee Gopher Ballsman delivered 1.5 home runs per nine innings of pitching. Sabathia contributed 28 HRs, Tanaka offered 25 and Shreve gave up only 10 - but per 9 innings, they fell into a statistical dead heat.
(Note, because they did not throw enough innings to qualify, several Yankee pitchers were not eligible for this award, but still deserve recognition: They are Jacob Lindren (3.9 HR per nine innings) Sergio Santos (3 HR), Caleb Cotham (3.7 HR), Jose DePaula (2.7), Andrew Bailey (2.1), and gopher legend Danny Burawa (13.5 HR per nine innings.)
Congrats to all!
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3 comments:
JUST THE NAME,..CHRIS CAPUANO, GETS THE HAIR ON THE BACK OF MY NECK STANDING...BUT WHEN I HEAR THE NAME STEPHEN DREW.....A WHOLE NEW ANGER INTRODUCES ITSELF INTO MY WORLD....AN ANGER FILLED WITH RAGE...INSANITY...AND UNCONTROLLABLE URGES....PLEASE LORD, GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO ENDURE, JUST IN CASE, KID CASH DECIDES HE WANTS TO SEE "THE BACK OF THE BASEBALL CARD" AGAIN WITH STEPHEN DREW....IF THAT HAPPENS AGAIN..I'M AFRAID I MUST TURN MYSELF INTO THE AUTHORITIES...I AM GENERALLY, A GOOD PERSON....BUT, HUMAN LIVES COULD BE AT RISK IN THIS CASE..(MET FANS, BEWARE....)
So, Mr. Cashman, any chance we can lock up Chris Capuano to a 6-year deal? We don't want him going to the Red Sox, forcing Genius Joe to go to that right-handed batting order. Fork out the millions, Hal!
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