Sunday, December 6, 2020

How the Yankees Are Like the Empire of Japan.

Written by HoraceClarke66 

Sometime in the late 1920s, the government of Imperial Japan—or at least the Army faction that dominated it—decided that in order for the Japanese people to survive, they had absolutely no choice but to take over Manchuria. “Living space,” you see, or lebensraum, as their future partners in fascism would call it.


The only trouble with this plan was the Manchurians, of course. And the Chinese government, which thought it ruled Manchuria. The Empire therefore had no choice but to invade China, the most populous nation in the world.


This proved more difficult than the general staff had anticipated—but after all, they had no choice.


In order to keep the war machine running, the generals decided that Japan had no choice but to go down and take Indonesia—then held by the Dutch—and then Malaysia, which was held by the British.


That meant that eventually the Japanese had to get into a war with the British Empire, too, which meant attacking India, the second most populous country in the world. Plus Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, Burma, Shanghai. And then Vietnam and Cambodia and Laos, which were held by Britain’s friends, the French.


There was just no choice.


Along with some nasty border wars with the Soviets, when Japan considered grabbing Siberia, too—lots of natural resources!—and then when we had the effrontery to object to that and embargo war materiel to Japan, they had absolutely no choice but to attack the Philippines, and Hawaii, and Guam, and Wake Island, and even Alaska and California and pretty soon we were at the Jerry Lewis, Hey Lady! stage of imperialism.


Japan found itself fighting over half the globe, against nearly all of the greatest powers on earth. Because they just had to. Endless slaughter ensued, capped by two atomic bombs.


And then, after all that, whattaya know? Freed of their imperial overlords, the Japanese proved that they were an incredibly ingenious, hardworking, innovative people perfectly capable of living very well on their small, rocky archipelago.


But Hoss, I hear you wail, what does all this possibly have to do with the Yankees? Isn’t it just another of your endless digressions?


Patience, my little ones. The analogy is this:


Of late, we have heard the Yankees brains trust—such as it is—convincing itself and its legion of sycophants online, and in the mainstream media—that it has no choice but to trade or, even worse, let go for nothing at all, several of the best players on the team.


D.J. LeMahieu, Luke Voit, Clint Frazier, Miguel Andujar:  some or all of these players must be discarded, or the Yankees Empire will fall. There is just no choice.


Last year’s batting champion, last year’s home run champion, their most promising young outfielder, or the kid who was last seen breaking Joe DiMaggio’s records, before a freak injury put him out of action. No choice. One or more of them have to go, no matter what they may or may not bring back.


Certainly, they won’t get rid of the Shortstop of the Future…who can’t play shortstop. Not the Catcher of the Future…who can’t catch or hit. Not the guy who takes up half the payroll and seems to spend most of his time readying himself for the Mr. Universe Pageant.


Nope. Only the best players on the team. And in their place we’re told that we might just get a guy who strikes out one out of every three times up and can’t play the field—but who has major exit velo. And/or a good all-around outfielder…who is already 33, and has already missed a year-and-a-half with injuries.


Yeah, they should fit right in.


But keep on doing what you’re doing. Never, ever ask yourself if the thing you have to do is really just what you want to do, much like the Japanese militarists wanting to go around making war everywhere. Or—could it be—HAL just wanting to cut costs, and Brain wanting to show us what a trading-fool genius he is.


I mean, we have to do it.


Anonymous said...

Those who do not learn from the past are condemned to repeat it. Or something like that. Very much enjoyed reading this. As always.

Doug K.

Kevin said...

Bravo, and well said! Hopefully fans will come to the realization that they have no choice but to turn their backs on their team(s). You would think that owners would notice that people go on with, or without sports.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Thanks, guys. And sorry about the lack of the really cool graphics I had found for it...and then, somehow managed to botch including.

But hey, always willing to make up for the lack of pictures WITH STILL MORE WORDS!

JM said...

I think we're missing the point of the post, which is this: the Yankees MUST invade Boston, Toronto, Baltimore, and Tampa. Not necessarily all at once, because we don't have the manpower to pull that off. But if we attack Fenway with mortars and tanks, its rickety old facade will fall, and we annex what's left. Then on to Baltimore, where some simple Gatling guns should do the trick. Toronto might take heavy artillery, maybe even get some of those jets we call on for flyovers to do a little strafing on our behalf. And then...Tampa. No prisoners. Full scale warfare. We may suffer some serious casualties from exploding oranges, but it's a conflict we can and should win.

Rest assured that the rest of MLB, like the rest of the world when Japan went on its spree, will stand by, tsk tsk, and do nothing.

Meanwhile, the Imperial Forces of the New York Yankees will gain us the "spielensraum" we need for our team and fans. Hoist the flag of the Pinstriped Sun.

Scottish Yankee fan said...

Great piece of writing I really enjoyed reading it. Thank you

HoraceClarke66 said...

In Tampa, JM, we already have the Fifth Columnists who will just turn the place over to us.

I say we also invade Flushing, and nip that enemy in the bud.

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