If the Yankees impose austerity, let's rank the worst destinations for D.J. LeMahieu

'Scuse me, but I'm starting to think this elevator is stalled. We don't seem to be moving. We've been standing here now - well, by my count - two months, and I gotta pee real bad...

Yep. Starting to think something's wrong. The Death Barge has been negotiating with D.J. LeMahiue - our stated top priority - since November. Supposedly, the two sides remain millions of dollars apart. This is not exactly Operation: Warp Speed. (Then again, neither is Operation: Warp Speed.) 

Listen: I get it that brinksmanship only works if there is a brink. You hold the gun to the puppy's head, cock the trigger and start counting down from ten. But something's screwy here, and I think it's the uncertainty within the Yankee brain trust on whether Hal Steinbrenner is actually going Full Poormouth on the off-season. If "Food Stamps Hal" really plans to impose an austerity tourniquet on the 2021 Yankee payroll, adding a $25 million LeMahiue might create as many problems as it solves. I mean... somebody's gotta pitch.

Also, a sick sense: If LeMahieu were all-in on returning, wouldn't he have done it by now? The fact that he's still mulling proposals means some teams are offering more dough than Halligator Arms Hal wants to pay. 

So, it might come down to one final intangible: 

Can the Yankees stomach seeing LeMahieu in certain rival uniforms? (And how much would LeMahieu be willing to piss on his otherwise pristine Yankee legacy?) At some point, rival destinations become the bargaining chip. 

So today, here is our final depressing post of 2020 - aka Shit-a-Plenty Twenty Twenty. Beginning tomorrow, nothing but hope and positivity! (Gary will hit 40!) So, today... here are the Worst Case Scenarios for D.J.

1. Toronto. By far. This is flat-out terrifying. The Jays have the money. They also have a young, exploding lineup of rising stars. LeMahiue would make them faves in the AL East. They nearly beat us last year. Add D.J., and they'll win the division by 10 games.

2. Mets. This would flip the switch on our NYC tabloid back page domination. The Mets would become Gotham's No. 1 team.  

3. Redsocks. Don't think it can't happen. Just... don't.

4. Tampa. Nope. This can't happen... um, I think. But this talk about the Rays being losers this winter? You know, trading Blake Snell, letting Charlie Morton go? Screw dat. They're doing what they always do. And if Randy Arozarena is the real deal - I mean, the 2nd Coming of Hank Aaron - watch out. They just freed up a lot of money. Could they? No... they couldn't... impossible... they wouldn't... would they?

5. Any AL team. The Yanks would hope a west coast team signs him. Late games. Outa sight, outa mind.

6. Any NL team but the Dodgers. If it's LA, we'd have to watch him in the playoffs. (From home, possibly.) Do we want the Dodgers launching a dynasty? 

7. Japan. Hey, you never know...