Thursday, December 31, 2020

If the Yankees impose austerity, let's rank the worst destinations for D.J. LeMahieu

'Scuse me, but I'm starting to think this elevator is stalled. We don't seem to be moving. We've been standing here now - well, by my count - two months, and I gotta pee real bad...

Yep. Starting to think something's wrong. The Death Barge has been negotiating with D.J. LeMahiue - our stated top priority - since November. Supposedly, the two sides remain millions of dollars apart. This is not exactly Operation: Warp Speed. (Then again, neither is Operation: Warp Speed.) 

Listen: I get it that brinksmanship only works if there is a brink. You hold the gun to the puppy's head, cock the trigger and start counting down from ten. But something's screwy here, and I think it's the uncertainty within the Yankee brain trust on whether Hal Steinbrenner is actually going Full Poormouth on the off-season. If "Food Stamps Hal" really plans to impose an austerity tourniquet on the 2021 Yankee payroll, adding a $25 million LeMahiue might create as many problems as it solves. I mean... somebody's gotta pitch.

Also, a sick sense: If LeMahieu were all-in on returning, wouldn't he have done it by now? The fact that he's still mulling proposals means some teams are offering more dough than Halligator Arms Hal wants to pay. 

So, it might come down to one final intangible: 

Can the Yankees stomach seeing LeMahieu in certain rival uniforms? (And how much would LeMahieu be willing to piss on his otherwise pristine Yankee legacy?) At some point, rival destinations become the bargaining chip. 

So today, here is our final depressing post of 2020 - aka Shit-a-Plenty Twenty Twenty. Beginning tomorrow, nothing but hope and positivity! (Gary will hit 40!) So, today... here are the Worst Case Scenarios for D.J.

1. Toronto. By far. This is flat-out terrifying. The Jays have the money. They also have a young, exploding lineup of rising stars. LeMahiue would make them faves in the AL East. They nearly beat us last year. Add D.J., and they'll win the division by 10 games.

2. Mets. This would flip the switch on our NYC tabloid back page domination. The Mets would become Gotham's No. 1 team.  

3. Redsocks. Don't think it can't happen. Just... don't.

4. Tampa. Nope. This can't happen... um, I think. But this talk about the Rays being losers this winter? You know, trading Blake Snell, letting Charlie Morton go? Screw dat. They're doing what they always do. And if Randy Arozarena is the real deal - I mean, the 2nd Coming of Hank Aaron - watch out. They just freed up a lot of money. Could they? No... they couldn't... impossible... they wouldn't... would they?

5. Any AL team. The Yanks would hope a west coast team signs him. Late games. Outa sight, outa mind.

6. Any NL team but the Dodgers. If it's LA, we'd have to watch him in the playoffs. (From home, possibly.) Do we want the Dodgers launching a dynasty? 

7. Japan. Hey, you never know...


DickAllen said...


We keep calling the Steinbrenner boy "Hal," and it has to stop.

Hal is someone who takes over your spaceship and threatens your life. Hal is a killer, and his goal is the goal of every James Bond villian: to take over the world.

This guy? This Steinbrenner? His real name is HAROLD, and HAROLD is the manager of a grocery store chain whose life is dominated by getting kickbacks from wholesalers to line his own pocket and pinching every dime to maintain a slender profit margin. He wakes up every morning wondering which of his employees is stealing from him.

The Yankees are owned and operated by a HAROLD, and every Harold has a guy named Brian working for him. You know the kind of guy I'm talking about: he's the toady who wears his name tag outside the store and takes rolls of toilet paper home so he won't actually be "stealing," He also does all his regular shopping at the dollar store.

It's a never-ending sitcom. The next episode: Harold and Brian Go to White Castle (where the burgers are really cheap).

And I waste time every morning wondering what they're up to.

Carl J. Weitz said...

Toronto scares me the most as DJ is Canadian and might feel at home there. Plus they have a good team and he would make them that much better. I can hear Hal telling Cashman: " Brian, tell DJ's agent that the Canadian dollar is worth 30% less than the US dollar so sign with us". A Loonie thought, of course.

Anonymous said...

A quick thought...

1) Gary Will Hit 40!

Yes, he absolutely will. He's reasonably healthy and even though Covid affects Hispanics in a disproportionate percentage there's no reason to think that he won't live until 40. Oh, wait... you didn't mean 40 Home Runs? In a single year? Hahahahahaha. Maybe.

Doug K.

cabish47 said...

Or... Gary will hit .040. Oh boy.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Brilliant, Dick Allen! Can't wait to see the series.

And Doug, you are completely correct. There is every reason to believe that Gary will live to be 40.

But you know, I think what Duque was really referring to was 40 passed balls. Does he have it in him? Can he grab that much playing time away from Higgy?

Inquiring minds want to know!

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