Wednesday, December 16, 2020

Yanks talk a big game, but recent events whisper desperation

While you quarantine, Yank scouts are combing the globe for quality arms. Check out the spin-rate on this prospect! (And note how the catcher has adopted Gary Sanchez' blocking style.)

Bada-boom. But seriously, folks... don't dig in.

Between now and February, the earthquake is coming. Brian "Cooperstown" Cashman will unleash a series of trades, spinning the Yankiverse on its axis. It has to happen. In  their current incarnation - with or without DJ LeMahiue - the Yankees are an airplane with seven wings and one propeller. Recent events look like the minor tremors that foretell The Big One. 

Over the last 48 hours...

1. The Yanks signed Adam Warren. Yes, that Adam Warren. Our old pal, our prodigal son. He's now 33, speckled with salt, and hasn't pitched since June of 2019, back when Trump was kissing Kim Jung-un. He's had Tommy John surgery. (Hasn't everyone?) He'll be ready for spring training. It's like the return of Thanos: In the Yankiverse, does anybody ever die?

2. The Yanks signed Matt Bowman. He's a 29-year-old ex-Reds/Cardinals lug nut who also missed last year due to Dr. TJ. We signed him for two years - minor league deal, of course - because he won't be ready until August. Bowman's best year came in 2016, when he threw 67 innings with a 3.46 ERA. Why not? Remember Jon Lieber?

3. The Yanks signed Nestor (Octavio) Cortes Jr. Remember Nasty Nestor? He's back after a brutal sojourn through Seattle. He's 26, a lefty, and throws from a thousand trajectories. Over the years, he's been bombed like Beirut, but he's my Pick-6. Cortes is a Mysterio, a low arm-strength/high guile type who survives on deceptiveness. Did I mention he's a lefty? He's the one most likely to perfect a pitch and turn into Randy Choate. 

4. Aaron Boone talked up the staff. You know things are bad when Boone is saying otherwise. He said:

“I’m certainly excited about the people we have behind Gerrit Cole from a depth stand point from a number of young guys getting opportunities to pitch this year and showing promise...You’ve got to be prepared to go in with what you have, and we’re really excited with some of things we were able to see from the development.”

Baghdad Bob, right? Nothing screams "RUN FOR THE HILLS!" like the reassuring presence of the fatherly Boone. When done with baseball, he should get a cable TV show and predict the stock market. We'll all get rich, doing the opposite of what he says. 

So, whaddaya glean here? Well, it's not even Christmas, but Cashman is touring the garage sales, looking for anything with a pulse. And cheap. Did I mention cheap? Yep, cheap is the new normal. Our rotation is dismal, LeMahiue remains unsigned, and Hal Steinbrenner is already poor-mouthing. Cheap.

Soon, LeMahieu will make his choice. At that point, the earth will move. In the meantime, we'll search for guys who can throw the 85-mph penny-loafer.


Celerino Sanchez said...

Wow, they outbid everyone for Warren, Bowman & Cortes (I can't believe he's only 26). The next shoe to drop will be re-signing Dick Tidrow, Ray Burris. Steve Trout and the immortal Ed Whitson. Maybe we can get Pettite & Clemens out of retirement and Susan Waldman can cry in ecstacy again. I can't wait to see this juggernaut in 2021.

JM said...

There's no telling how far you can go when you have a guy named Nestor. He was the King of Pylos, don'tcha know, and the only person from the Iliad to make a major league roster. Ever.

Steve Trout is only 63, so we could get him for a seven-year contract. His nickname was "Rainbow," but he isn't gay. As Mel Allen used to say, how about that?

DickAllen said...

"You’ve got to be prepared to go in with what you have,"

That is Boone's way of letting us all know there is no possibility of bringing in another pitcher. We're good. Standing pat with one ace.

Right there is your second place finish. Welcome to the wonderful world of bottom line baseball.

DickAllen said...

Meanwhile, having eliminated their alleged defensive coordinator for his brilliant play calling, the New York Jets (who should be renamed the New York Jokes) booted their kicker. Applications are now being accepted.

Onward to history! Up next: yet another new head coach. The Jets are considering any current or former head coach with a losing lifetime record. Preferably from a city that makes losing a lifetime habit. Poor credit history not a liability.

I know all you Giants fans don't give a shit about Gang Green, but I haven't seen any glory since Custer was on his way to victory. So, a little sympathy, please. At least some patience while I kvetch.

DickAllen said...

And, while I waste away another covid morning reading the sports pages, Ma Boone's talking without saying anything reaches new nonsensical heights:

"Gio didn’t want to have surgery, which you certainly understand and respect ... if you’re having a non-issue, you’re not eager to just go have surgery for surgery’s sake,” Boone said. “I think we wanted him to go ahead and have it because we felt it was fairly minor."

I'm pretty sure he said Gio didn't need surgery but they thought it would be a good idea to have it anyway. Or something like that.

Who needs to read the funnies anymore?

Anonymous said...

A few thoughts...

1) The guy with the shoe.

Really liked the Bush/Sanchez line.

As to finding him...

I'm not sure he is available. I'm pretty sure that guy got signed to a sixty day/life time contract in the Baghdad Penal League. As Yakov Smirnov once didn't say, "In Bagdad Penal League they don't terminate contract. They terminate you."

2) Adam Warren

Can David Robertson be far behind?

Warren is OK. Even though Baseball Reference says he compares most closely to Alexi Ogando and Warren Brusster. (This is true and apparently they are real pitchers.) His real value to the team will come in mid-season when we trade him again.

3) The Boone Quote From Richie

Wow. Thanks for pointing that out. That is some serious bullshit right there. They should teach it in PR school.

Also, even though I am a big NY Giants fan I like the Jets. I can't root against any NY team except the Red Bulls Grrrrrrrrr. Fucking Red Bulls!!!!!

Doug K.

13bit said...

I bet that geezer is throwing that book at that other geezer because the previous night he wasn`t able to find a stunning 17 year-old Pauline Hickey look-a-like to tit-fuck, that would be enough to make any geezer very angry for a long time.

13bit said...

A few more thoughts, this time specifically regarding the quite astonishing 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985...

1) I want to fuck the bird.

2) I want to bugger the bird.

3) I want to sodomize the bird.

4) I want to spunk all over the bird

5) I want to pearl necklace the bird.




Er...sorry i got carried away with that last one, its just that i thought i`d emphasize it because it was ultimately the most important, obviously ! ! !.

Alphonso said...

CHEAP, you say?

We have Giancarlo Stanton locked up for seven years !!!!

All is well.

13bit said...

So tired of the no-life assholes who spoof me and other people on this site. Go back to fucking your mother-in-law, shit-for-brains.


TheWinWarblist said...

Um, bitty? Sometimes it's like you speak directly to my heart! ❤️

TheWinWarblist said...

Oh, wait! That Pauline Hickey stuff wasn't really you??

Oh. Oh. Never mind.

Well, I still luv you!

Fuck you Hal!

HoraceClarke66 said...

Richie, I truly sympathize. It's astonishing to me that pro teams can stay as bad as the Jets do, year after year.

Doug K., I agree. Fuck those Red Bulls! They're the rivals of our beloved NYCFC, Hal's beloved soccer team.

Mark my words: some day, we'll even buy a vowel. Then watch out, Red Bulls!

TheWinWarblist said...

13bit, dont be cheeky and hypocritical, we all know you`d like to somehow be able to magically return to 1985 and have your willy squashed and squeezed between the quite astonishing 17 year-old Pauline Hickeys unbelievable knockers ! ! !.

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