Yankeetorial: The Yankacalypse is here. It's time to start earting our own

Last night should have been 2013's greatest victory. Imagine a Liliputian squad of Hafners and Overbays beating the Redsocks in Fenway. You might as well imagine a cure for greed.

Well, it wasn't our worst loss. Nope. We've suffered more hideous debacles and have a few more left in our 2013 backpack. But last night was our most deflating moment since Tex went down for good, and it's an especially mediocre team that can lose both the 1-0 and 8-7 game - and that, comrades, is what we are. This won't change with Jeet and A-Rod back (increasingly unlikely.) The Grandyman won't save us. The scrap heap has been picked clean. From here on, stems and seeds.

Thus, let's pray Brian "Beggars-Can't-Be-Choosers" Cashman doesn't drain the system for another Ken Phelps, and turn a two-year trench into a 10-year depression. Last year, Boston ate a urinal cake and peddled three stars for a new reality. We talk about trading Hughes and Joba - whoopie-do - and getting, what? The son of John Mayberry? (Or the reincarnation of John Mayberry?) Nope. It's time to think the unthinkable. Would a little ketsup on that urinal cake make it taste better?

Robbie: Ouch. If we trade Cano, he'll probably take it personally and never return as a free agent (until age 41, when he's hitting .170). But the next three months in a poisonous NYC clubhouse - with empty seats and a seething fan base - could have him packing his bags anyway. Also, he might see a team in the turmoil ditch for three years and flee to LA, where the billionaire owners don't pull out their pockets to poor-mouth. Jeez, what do we do about Robbie? He is all we have. But would we want another 10 year deal? If we lose this guy, a sandwich pick won't cut it.

Hiroki: A great Yankee! Damn, we would miss him. But I gotta think teams in the race would go push their faces in the pie for the pitcher who can win that one-game Wild Card series, and bidding wars don't happen every day. It's pathetic that we should imagine this. But we can come in fourth with him, and without him. Considering the caps MLB places on spending, how many sandwich picks do we need?

Mariano: Wait a minute, sit down, I'm not speaking blaspheme, I swear it! In the final days of Elston Howard, the Yankees traded Ellie to the Redsocks for two prospects, one of whom turned out to be the great Ron Klimkowski. Ellie settled Boston's pitchers and got a few big hits. My question is simple: Would it be honoring Mariano by moving him to a pennant-bound team? (But not Boston.) Should his final moments be in meaningless victories (rare events, I might add) with a bunch of scrap heapers? Would he prefer one last crack at a World Series ring? Only person can answer this: Mariano. I'm not angling to squeeze anybody for the next Ron Klimkowski - we'd get nothing in return - but if Mo wants to pitch in one last post-season, should the organization stand in his way?

Ichiro: Same deal. Last year, the Mariners gave him to us, so he could play meaningful games. Should we pay it forward? Last winter - ridiculously - as we passed on important RH hitters and whiffed on the magnitude of Jeter's ankle injury - we signed Ichiro to a two-year deal. Stupid then, absurd now. We should pay the second year and trade him to a West Coast team with money and hope. There is no reason to watch this great star - with little Yankee legacy, aside from his incredible Twister slide into home last October against Baltimore -  in the final throes of his career, next season platooning with Slade Heathcott or Zolio Almonte - playing for some miserable Yankee team. Do we want to remember him the way we do Danny Tartabull and Steve Kemp? Hell no. Let the man go.

I know, I know... it's too early to toss in the towels, especially with Mariano. But we're now chasing the last slot of the Wild Card, and it is time for this organization to publicly recognize its plight. We have been in denial long enough. Take a close look everybody. The Yankee Apocalypse is here. Who gets eaten first?

Runk blog ends

College crew going home. Reunited and it feels so good. No matter what happens, we can't get swept by the Redsocks. Hah. That'll show 'em.

Watched part of the game on Fox, but never saw a Yankee hit. Not one. Whenever came in, we did nothing. The Duke (Redsock fan) watched everything. At least I recognized that watching would ruin our chances, so I cut bait. That's guiding your team to victory. That's how to win a pennant.

Dare we believe? Am I still runk?

Chris Stewart Is God

Tell me he isn't.

What If?

I'm not at the drunk fest upstate, so I have to make my own fog.  As my last manhattan disappeared into the bottom of my gullet, I had the following thoughts:

What if Mariano doesn't get another chance for a save?

What if we get swept by Boston, Texas and the Rays?

Will Cashman re-build or trade Robbie, Hughes and Almonte for a right-hand hitting Hafner?

Will Hank and Hal spend on the team, or buy more houses in Europe?

Will A-Rod actually start in Texas, despite no confirming word form the Yankees?

Was anyone....ANYONE....surprised that Derek went on the DL?

Who will be the next Yankee to get hurt?

What if Pineda never gets out of AAA?

Will we see Dellin Bettances before September?  Before he reaches his 30th birthday?

What if Granderson gets hit again, in his first at bat?

What if all three of our recent draft picks are like every other draft pick of ours?

 Where will Dante Bichette be selling cars next year, and what make?

Does Cashman have another girlfriend?  Or boyfriend, for that matter?

When will Girardi do a projectile vomit in a post-game press conference?

How many of us will die of old age before the Yankees win the world series again?

Steady As She Goes

Another predictable day for the Yankees;

Two runs for the offense
Third loss in a row
Andy digs us another hole early, from which we cannot recover
Another starter injured ( and Almonte will be gone a month, minimum )
Another no name enters the line-up
Another step toward the cellar
Another length away from the final wild-card

Steady as she goes.

Runkin blog continues

Listened to John and Suzyn call the loss last night on cell phone. It was cruel to lose when we were so close to having Hafner come to the plate, maybe with a runner on, to tie it up with a home run. At least that's how John saw it: If only Hafner could get to the plate.

The Duke - Redsock fan - is being - God help us - gracious. Yeah. It's that bad. They feel sorry for us.  I couldn't even get a rise out of him by mentioning Bobby Valentine. When a Redsock fan feels sorry for you... it's over.

John didn't lose hope. Down to the final pitch, he was calculating the chances of the great Hafner getting his swings. I may not be the only Yank fan doing this drunk.

ONE MORE DAY. Dying. Did I hallucinate that Zolio hurt his ankle and is out? That couldn't have happened, right?

Please, Lord, don't let us trade a decent prospect for another Ken Phelps.

A seemingly deep thought about the Yankees

Brett Gardner leads the Yankees in strikeouts and could be headed toward a Grandersonesque 160 Ks this season.

Drunken blog continues

A few wiseass remarks about A-Rod last night. They do not believe. He and I are luring them into our trap.

Wouldn't it be incredible if A-Rod comes back, tests clean, beats MLB in "court," and leads the team to the World Series? Also, Pineda returns, and Jeter and Granderson, too. And Youkilis, in the final series against Boston - he comes back, steps to the plate with two outs and the bases loaded, and bam - a grand slam! Yankees win.

No. Wait. Better idea. That ties the game. Four to four. Extra ies nnings. We run out of pitchers, so we bring in... Daniel Bard. Yes. We signed him off the scrap heap. No. Wait. Alfredo Aceves. We get Alfredo Aceves. And he pitches us to the big victory.

No. Wait. We have A-Rod homer with two outs in the bottom of the seventeenth inning. Game over. Yankees win. That's it. John and Suzyn go crazy. Fireworks in the sky. Everybody happy.

Tonight...

D-blog continues: I apologize for this post

OK, I don't know what has happened, but I don't think it will matter anyway. I have been out of the "loop," in terms of figure out what has happened. I don't know what has happened. Should I repeat myself. I don't think so.

So, I heard something about A-Rod saying he'll be back Monday, and the Yankees saying nothing, and that's probably already outdated.

So, I was drinking with the Duke, who is very smug about the Redsocks. Very smug. He is being nice. Too nice. He says we got a bad break with A-Rod. Well, we'll see what happens when A-Rod comes back. Should I redraft this? I don't think so. Go A-Rod!

A seemingly deep thought about the Yankees

In case you don't believe in Biblical Hollywood prophesy, Kei Igawa's lifetime ERA is 6.66!

 

A Clerihew for the ASG MVP

We live in the era
Of Mariano Rivera,
Which will serve to measure historic flow:
Dates will henceforth be noted either BMo or AMo (Before or After Mo).

Drunk blog continues

I have no idea what happened in the Yankiverse yesterday. None. Maybe Cashman stole Bryce Harper from the Nationals, or A-Rod has been promoted to Columbus. It's like being in outer space. I'm cut off.

The Duke showed up last night, a day ahead of schedule. He came early because the Redsocks are in first. Smug SOB. Wore a brand new Redsock hat. I'm talking brand new. So here's the deal, this guy has been a Boston fan all his life, but he's buying new swag - putting money directly into the coffers of evil.

He loves the A-Rod situation. It sustains him when merely inflicting pain on humanity is not enough.

My head hurts. I was going to blog more yesterday, but it got away from me. It was 95 degrees, and by 3 p.m., we were into the craft beers. Growlers. No turning back.

The Duke is circling, looking to talk baseball. I gotta go.

A seemingly deep thought about the Yankees

It's increasingly probable that A-Rod will never reach:

a) 3,000 hits. (He has 2,901.)
b) 2,000 RBIs. (He has 1,950.)
c) Willie Mays on the HR list. (He has 647 to Mays' 660.)

But if Alex never again steps to the plate in a Major League game, his career batting average will stand forever at .300.

Drunk Blog Continues:

Stayed up late last night but missed the Mariano think in the All-Star game. I can't believe I missed it. I missed it because a friend came to visit, and he doesn't give a damn about baseball, and with the Yankees being bad, I capitulated. I relented. I gave in. If the Yankees were decent this year, I would have seen the Mariano moment, and now I missed it.

I saw the Zimmerman verdict moment. That's how pathetic my life has become. I was watching TV when the Zimmerman verdict came down. And now I've missed the Mariano moment./ I can't believe I missed it. My head hurts, and I'm not just talking about pain. I'm talking about deeper than pain. Worse than paid. Melancholia. Angst. Worse than either of those two, too. It's the pain of a Mariano blown save - the worst pain in the Yankiverse, worse than - well - not really worse than a Jeter injury or a death to a Yankee great such as - no, I WILL NOT SPECULATE IN SUCH MATTERS - where are we? Mo. I missed his entrance last night. I missed everything.

They named him MVP. They're trying to be nice. They know we're dying, and they know A-Rod isn't coming back, and they feel sorry for us, so they named Mo MVP. He should have refused it. He should have said, "NO, I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS, NOT AFTER WHAT BUD SELIG AND HIS FINANCIAL POLICIES HAVE DONE TO MY TEAM AND ORGANIZATION." Chad Curtis would have done that. He would have told them to go to hell.

What made me think about Chad Curtis? The booze. That was the booze thinking. Somebody help me. It's 95 degrees and my old college roommate is screaming for more...

A drunk thought about the Yankees

I missed Mo's entrance last night.

I missed the best thing that is going to have happened in 2013.

A seemingly deep thought about the Yankees

Now that Bob Sheppard's streak has ended, the only person to call announce every Jeter at bat in Yankee Stadium is John Sterling.

Saw the Staten Island Baby Yankees last night take on the mighty Auburn Doubledays....

We went with Mustang and his squeeze, the lovely Big Bang, to the Leo Pinckney Field at Falcoln Park, which is a lot of title for a tiny place.  Good signage in the outfield, thanks to the State Republican party. Waitresses in the box seats, decent burgers, clean rest rooms - what more is there? 

So... If you're looking for a deep baseball scouting report, forget it. What do I know? I though Shelley Duncan would hit 400 home runs.

Still, an occasional notion bites you in the butt, so here are my bite-marks:

Our top recent draft pick, Eric Jagielo, (pictured) has some work to do at 3B. He slaughtered an easy nubber, and then nearly threw away a barehand pick. (Both teams kicked the ball around like Manchester United.) Looks better with the bat. He went two for four, thanks to a friendly official scorer. Confident. Nice swing.

The guy to watch is a masher named Yeicock Calderon. He's a right-fielder, built like a wrestler, and he hasn't even filled out yet. He went 0-4, but hit some balls on the button, and he's already hit 5 HR. This is the guy you want first off the bus. He's my Shelley Duncan for 2013.

Best hitter of the night was a LH firstbaseman by the name of Bubba Jones. He absolutely crushed a three run shot to right, then line sharply to RF - after fouling off several more shots. He was in complete control of every at bat. The only question was whether the could keep in the park. He went 3 for 5 with the HR and a double. I haven't heard much about this guy.  (He was a 7th round pick in 2011 and hasn't lit up any leagues yet.) If he keeps hitting like last night, that will change.

Lastly, a pitcher named Rookie Davis shut down Auburn quite nicely: Five innings, no runs. It's hard to gauge whether to praise the pitcher or ridicule the offense, but the guy had them failing.

And of course, there is the 2B, Derek Toadvine - best name since Slade Heathcott. Who knows?

Baseball vs. the Yankees: Somebody else agrees with me

Rupert Murdoch has sent an angel named Matthew Futterman to my bedside this morning with this inconvenient All-Star break truth story in the WSJ:

MLB is crushing New York and - particularly - its signature professional sports franchise.


About $400 million now moves from the rich teams to the poor ones each season, and Oakland, Tampa Bay, Arizona and Pittsburgh are fighting for first place in their divisions.

The ax falls particularly hard in New York, whose teams produce by far the most combined revenue of any market in baseball—nearly $800 million, or more than 10% of the entire sport. That forces this baseball capital to share more money than any other market with everyone else while getting little back in return.

I've railed about this many times. Let me try to digest the notes:

1) The MLB owners are billionaires, pretending to be millionaires, so we will feel sorry for them.

2) These owners are ardent free market capitalists on every level, except when it comes to capping payroll; then they are communists.

3) They aggressively seek loopholes and breaks on federal and state taxes. But they happily impose them on teams that pay players too much money.

4) MLB pretends to be a public entity - for example, as it acts in the public interest to curtail steroids. But it is a private company, with a private police force, and its only goal is to make more money.

5) MLB's imminent player suspensions and bans are designed to make the public think the sport is clean. They are internal moves within a corporation. This is no more a system of public justice than is the World Wrestling Federation, when Commissioner Vince McMahon  Jr. expels Junkyard Dog for eating Roddy Piper's ear.

It's all about the money.

I greatly fear this is the end of the Yankees, as we have known them for the last 30 years. The fix is in. We will no longer be baseball's feared/hated/revered team. We cannot sign international talent. We cannot sign big free agents. Already, empty seats at the stadium are signaling a draining of revenues, and there is no way out of this straightjacket. The Steinbrenners won't feel the pinch, because they'll pay lower luxury taxes.  The Yankees could be down for three to five years, reduced to chasing that empty second Wild Card birth - hoping for the ridiculous one-game playoff: The Selig Hunger Game.

Right now, it looks like the only way to restore a team is to go the Rays/Nationals/Pirates/Orioles route: Come in dead last long enough, and you'll eventually rise. 

My annual college reunion commences tomorrow. Thus will begin my annual five-day drunken blog. It won't be pretty.

A seemingly deep thought about the Yankees

Over the last four years, since we cut him loose, Jose Molina has consistently outhit the regular starting Yankee catchers.

Falling through the air, clutching the live grenade, waiting for the end

Happy break! Great time to be a Yankee fan, eh?

Everything is collapsing - our hitting, pitching, even the defense - and that pellet bomb -  Bud Selig's suspension surprise - is about to go boom.

You knew they'd never pull the pin before or during the All-Star break, the Commissioner's annual victory lap, when Selig handpicks one TV toady for his interview, and then tells the world what a wonderful job he's doing (for that $25 million plus salary). Thus, baseball's "rising young stars" - aka, the cheap ones, who have not yet scored their big contracts - can play in an unsoiled spotlight.

Next week, there will be no reason to wait. The longer MLB delays announcing its 20 to 25 player suspensions - as the news leaks keep saying - the more that bomb will distort or destroy the 2013 pennant race.  If they wait too long, they'll blow up the entire season, and some fans, teams and writers might not join the automatic cheers of support, which the courtiers lead, like a Jumbotron projecting the word "NOISE" to a sold-out crowd. 

Let's face it: The arbitrary focus of this Miami probe means it could hit the Yankees hardest. One beauty of random MLB drug tests was that teams faced them equally. But this investigation centers around one "clinic" that went kaput, and a notebook fell into the hands of an enterprising journalist. If there are other "clinics" out there that didn't go bankrupt, well, they stayed secret.

Do I sound cynical? I apologize. Why should anybody be cynical about a war on drugs? I mean, hasn't humanity historically been able to solve the problem?

What we do in these massive campaigns is simple: Wes burn a few scapegoats on the village green - unpopular, high-profile celebrities make the neatest flames - and scream indignation, while everybody shakes their head and then goes home to toke up and celebrate the victory.

The big bad Yankees and their personal financial foil, Alex Rodriguez, make the perfect poster children for MLB's future marketing campaign that it is a sport cleansed of performance enhancing drugs. If they can blow up the Yankees for two to five years - and the Steinbrothers, by cutting payroll and ditching A-Rod, could actually make more money -  they can say baseball is saved, and then go back to the business of looking the other way.

Damn, I did it again. I fell into cynicism. The idea of Luis Cruz at 3B for the next three months will do that to you.

Still, it will be interesting to see if Big Papi gets plunked. You see, I think a bunch of MLB juicers will skate. They simply used a  different "clinic," and they've now had months to shore up potential leaks, to be certain no alternative newspaper reporters ever unearth a notebook.

So here we are, the mighty Yankees, falling in the air, headed for the AL East cellar, grasping now for that lowly one-game-season Wild Card birth (in another city.) It's finally clear to me that A-Rod isn't coming back. Maybe Cervelli, too. Maybe others. Who knows what names, guilty by implication, will vault out of this mix? Right now, the names on that list are the biggest intangible - bigger than the trade deadline - of the pennant race. 

This will be the year that MLB won the war on drugs by wrapping every sin into a dummy, which wears Yankee uniform Number 13, and then setting it ablaze in the village square. Gather around, kids. Soon after the All-Star game, the fireworks show will begin.