Friday, October 5, 2012

I want Texas. I want to taste them. I want to grind their bones on my teeth. I want vengeance.

In the Yankiverse, every post-season is supposed to end like the last two minutes of the original Godfather movie. This isn't just a quest for No. 28. It's a march for revenge.

So let this stand as my personal vendetta fantasy.

1. Bring on Texas! I want to see Nolan Ryan drinking wine at the game with his goobah, George W. Bush.  Suddenly, Josh Hamilton and that Elvis guy at shortstop keel over from the pre-game pasta that was delivered to the clubhouse.  Then Joe Pesci, the guy sitting in the next row, pulls out his heat and clips Nolan, splattering blood across the infield.

That's right, everybody. This is a dark fantasy. We have had dark dealings with Texas. They twice shot us - straight up the butt.  I still flinch when I sit. I want these people to win today, so they can suffer tomorrow.  I'm want the country to get another good look at George W. Bush, sitting along the first base line, because it seems like some folks don't want him out in public these days.  Bring on Texas, folks.  I want to hydrofrack these guys.

2. Hello, Miguel Cabrera, here's a message from Joey G.  Yes, another double-whammy.  We still owe Detroit for two whompings in the last 10 years.  And Miggy goes all the way back to the Marlins.  They cleaned up his act, put him into the Witness Protection Program and settled him in Detroit. Well, it's time to settle some business.

When he comes to bat, I want him thinking Robert De Niro is out there, ready to send him body parts. We clip him. We take out that Verlander guy.  We take out Prince.  It's not Columbus Day. It's St. Valentine's Day.

3. Heyyyyyyy, Bronson.  Finally, we want Cincy. Oh, yes. You see, there is a little - how should I say this - well - "unresolved dispute" concerning one of their pitchers. His name is Bronson Arroyo.  We call him Slappy. I think Arod would like to see him. Maybe rekindle the acquaintance. Talk about old times.

We don't get many shots at a 2004 Redsock. Most are out the game, drinking away the memories.  Curt Schilling may have to sell his "bloody" sock - hopefully to someone who will subject it to DNA analysis. The Reds - the only team in baseball to sport a winning record against the Yankees - will do.

Yes, they have Miggy Cairo and Dioneer Navarro - two former Yankees who never done us no harm. We'll let them live... so they can run home and tell the others what happens when you mess with the wrong people. Mwah, hahahahahahaha. Oh, October. Bring it on, Joey. Bring it home.

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